Hi Jethro. I think I should save everyone time by just posting on your threads; I seem to always be just a few days behind you in terms of PMA and where I am in the process.
As I read everyone's posts regarding the whole "I'm angry that I have to be the one who has had to work so hard to save the M, was slapped down and deeply hurt when I found out about the affairs, never will get enough apologies or see enough remorse, and have to be the one to accecpt that my W, though upset she had the affairs, still got something out of them that she felt she couldn't or wouldn't get from me," I see something that must be done. We have to basically accept what has happened and forgive. This is not easy and I don't think of it as a gift I give myself. I see it as a gift I grant my wife from which I will gain some peace. I think forgiveness and trust both need to be earned.
It sucks, it sucks, it sucks, and I don't want to yet, but that's the way it is. At least it is if we want to stay married. I told my W yesterday I wished I didn't love her so much. That way I could just end the M and start again with somebody new. When I said it, I meant it. Today, right now, I don't feel that way. Today I feel I would be terribly sad if she came up to me and said, "This isn't working. I'm leaving." We are fairly young in this process, and we are very lucky to have the support of SB, LL, LK, SAGE, and so many others. Reading that each has his or her own doubts at times is comforting. I get discouraged when I see how long this might take to get over it, and I get angry with myself when I consider ending the M because I will look at it as another failure in my life.
So, where we are stinks and I don't know what I want, but I do know what I don't want and I see that as progress. I don't want to have a failed marriage. I don't want to lose my wife, even with all of her faults and transgressions, and I don't want to be seperated from from my children. I will continue to feel the pain and hope someday it will fade. I know this probably isn't much help, sorry. Just hang in there, friend. We are all of us going to make it through this and at the very least, we will know a great deal more about ourselves. Such knowlege is not easily gained.
