Hi Breton-- When my sister-in-law turned me on to DB (on the second day after my bomb!), the first thing she asked me was "Do you want him back or not?" This sounds like where you are now. Yes, a walk on your birthday should not be a major issue!! This might be the first thing you want to clear up for yourself. Angelica-- Welcome to the Stable Wives' Club! No, my H isn't passive/agressive, just needs to earn his rent on the planet by saving people. As a high school administrator, he was great for the students. But as the boss of other grown-ups, this isn't the first time his attention has been interpreted as personal interest; just the first time he was messed up enough to act on it. What IS it about these nutty young women that is so attractive??
Yes, I am wondering if I want H back. I was reading a book about whether a relationship is worth saving and one series of questions relates to power.
I am at this time trying to figure out if H is "incurable power person." Also marriages go through stages and we are in power struggle stage, so this is something to consider carefully.
I have to ask myself if H's history of attraction to troubled people has more to do with power and less to do with empathy.
H can be a control freak. Over time I allowed myself to be bullied by him and one of the things I prefer about him gone is that I have space and privacy again. What do I miss? I miss H's creativity and sense of humor, but those are also things that H had not really shared with me for a long time--so long that I have forgotten them.
H always had something else to do. You know, watching TV reruns, sleeping, working, sleeping more. Despite various pleas for some of his precious golden time, I was somewhere on the priority list after flossing and cutting toenails. I was supposed to jump when H had something to do w/me but H rejected my interests so consistently that after a while I didn't want him around.
What was especially hurtful was that H would do the same things w/other people but not with me--even when I attempted to explain how much it meant to me to do these things together. I was alone so much of the time that in some ways, H leaving didn't make that much of a difference in my life. I realized this after only a day or two of him being gone.
What I recognized, too, is that you do have to love a person the way they want to be loved. I gave practical support; H wanted more emotional support. I felt I gave that as well but H disagreed. With that said, I think H also needed a serious wakeup call to stop the pity party for himself. I am empathetic--the first 20,000 times. H said he made food for me and did things around the house, but I needed emotional support and for me that did involve time together and some activities to distract me from the tragedies going on in our lives.
That said, when it was good, H paid attention to me and made time for me and shared his work (something that bound us) with me and we used to laugh and share activities and fun. I have been waiting a long time for him to let me be part of his life again.
I think that I would have done better to GAL and in many ways I did do a lot of things by myself. But I probably should have gone further with that.
NG, your ? is easy. They make Hs feel good about themselves because Hs get to be the knight in shining armor. We know they are just human. Our love is reality-based because we know the complete person. Also per an article I posted some time ago, H
I think another answer is that they provide H with distraction from his own problems.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I was alone so much of the time that in some ways, H leaving didn't make that much of a difference in my life.
Same here. Ran in to a friend the other day who said "it must be hard taking care of the 2 kids by yourself" and I thought to myself "actually, it's no different than when H was around..."
You and I are in the same place about really wondering if we want H back. Thanks for your post a while back with all the questions. Made me realize a lot of things...
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
SH, I guess I would say that I think I needed to GAL even more than I did. For example, I could have taken myself to NYC on my own years ago, and met up w/friends since H doesn't like to travel.
But honestly, in a lot of ways I DID GAL and despite my attempts, H didn't want to be included in it. I can say that I tried to interest H in many activities to do together and bottom line seemed to be that H just wasn't interested.
I think H was severely depressed which may explain a lot of it.
But I am also considering that maybe he never really was interested in me. The He's Just Not That Into You thing.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
And H was here and is mad at me for not wanting to "be friends."
I don't know what to do about that. I told him I would be cordial and cooperative, but that if I am moving on, I would envision us living separate lives.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
About all you can do is go about your business. And yes, cordial and cooperative is the way to do things. Just do what you have to do tomorrow. Have your ducks in a row and try not to think about it. (Yes, I know. It is easier said than done.)
And H was here and is mad at me for not wanting to "be friends."
I don't know what to do about that. I told him I would be cordial and cooperative, but that if I am moving on, I would envision us living separate lives.
I am quoting you as this is your thread, and I understand the want to be cordial and coopertative. You may find things somewhat different tomorrow. Please do not let what happens in the mediation to unerve you to much.
I also want to say what IMP said....holds so true. Go about your business, as this is what it is. Business. Leave your personal feelings at the door. Stand firm. Do not show intimidation or anything else. When it ocmes to this.....I'm sorry if this seems harsh but.......it's like the show Survivor. Outwit, outsmart & outplay. After that, if there is something that is meant to be......it will be.
Good luck tomorrow.....keep your cool. Oh, the wanting to be friends....thats nice. He can still be your friend after the agreements........thats if he really wanted to be friends.
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
I don't want to "be friends" w/H. It's an unfair request. It's too hard to be detached and to move on and meet others, and that is what I told him. It's like, how could I really move on if H's artwork is on the walls and his books are on the shelves, that sort of thing? I don't need a "husband friend" hanging around if I want to date. How uncomfortable is that?
This mediation has been more like counseling so far, so I am not sure what to think. I think the first thing we need to do is discuss the cost.
Long term, I have to admit that I am thinking of what I would want to do if D. I would like to get rid of this house, too (but I'm not letting on with that unless it comes to D--which sadly it seems to be doing). I need a small place that's more manageable and certainly more me.
OK--I've got to admit that I've been flirting and it's been fun.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Hi-- Sometimes I think the "friends" thing lets them off the hook a bit too much. I've been DB'ing and LRT'ing and being friendly and upbeat all over the place, and H is telling his family that our separation is "untraumatic" and the kids are "fine" with it! Breton, it might be time for the After the Last Resort Technique (pp. 218-219 in DR). It sounds like you are ready to let him go if it doesn't wake him up.
