Went to another DivorceCare meeting last night -- I am surprised each time how much I am getting out of a program that has "divorce" in the title. This session was on Reconciliation, and it's not exactly what we first think of. There are three levels of Reconciliation: (1) Basic Civility (2) Friendship and (3), the one we think of most, Restoration of the Marital Relationship.
I can only conclude that right now W and I are far from even a Level 1 Reconciliation. We talk about it, and recognize it as a necessary goal to being able to raise our S's. But there's still a lot of pent up hostility between us too -- and as long as W insists on seeing me as an enemy to her "happiness" and her warped solution to achieve it (i.e., the A), then it won't happen.
I am detaching and GAL'ing. I am also making a fundamental shift in my perspective on life, to focus more on the positive in my mind, and train myself to maintain a PMA.
This may be considered pursuing, a backslide, but I sent W an email last night just to suggest she seek out another church that is also using DivorceCare as their program (there are several in our area), as I really think she would get a lot out of it herself, regardless of what direction our marriage goes.
Other than that, I've been working my butt off again. Got about two hours sleep last night, even after having had so little sleep in the evenings prior. We lost yet another person in our department yesterday; the strain on everyone is palpable. I realize this might very well be the sign of the rats leaving the sinking ship. This could be serious and consequential on so many levels.
So, having caught up on all my reading assignments for tomorrow's Bible Studies meeting, I am very, very sleepy and ready to turn in.
