Remember the class I mentioned that was about Mastering the Laws of the Universe and that it was about finding peace in the 'now'? I went for a private session with this guy today. Long story short- says that H is in his "ego/mind" and will continue to do the push me/pull me for as long as I allow it. Basically said things along the lines of GAL. That I need to cut H off sexually (for now) so that we can connect on a different level and if H says "forget it", then he would have left at some point anyway. He also said that I deserve to be loved for who I am. period. That as long as I try to prove myself (ala Plan A) or reinvent myself to keep things "new" and "fresh", I will always be on the hamster wheel and my H will be one step away from cheating/leaving. Plus, I will not know who I am anymore. (All stuff that we know, right?)
I basically cried the entire time I was there. He pretty much cut to the core of things. He says that the battle for my H is between the ego/mind and the heart. And the more you live with your heart, the more the ego fears being 'lost'. Women can teach men how to open their hearts, but the men need to let loose of the ego and let it happen. That it will bring up a lot of pain from his childhood and that ideally we would walk thru this side by side. But only H can make that choice.
Gosh, I'm not saying it very well. He says it so much better. If I take away the 'spiritual' aspects and boil it down to pragmatic things-- it is very DB/Tough Love.
Now I am sorry I mentioned the trips. I had to call him last night to tell him about our daughter. and then he called me today to see how I was and if I had spoken with her further. He plans to call her today to talk about things.
Sometimes I think I want to be tough, cut him off, tell him to Eff off. But then I think of something Morgan wrote recently when she thought she was faced with the end: "I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'm not ready." When I read that, I TOTALLY understood how she felt.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
