Hi Jethro. I guess I'm just a few days behind ya in the R department. Today I just feel like I deserve better. Why should I have to "suck up and deal." I'm sure there are others out there who could love me even better than my W can. It wouldn't matter how long it takes because it would be better than what I have now, right?
I am so full of doubt. I sometimes doubt her sincerity, and then I feel guilty for doing so. We go out to dinner and the date is nice, then something reminds me of the affairs. Then I think, "how can saving the marriage be right after all of the wrong that has happened."
I told my W about this and it really hurt her feelings. For one microsecond, I felt glad it hurt her. Then I felt guilty again. Then I got angry with myself for feeling guilty when I did nothing wrong. The emotions fluctuate. I seem to be going through the stages of grief. I guess we all are. There's denial, anger or resentment, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. My wife, being the psychologist that she is, explained to me that it is perfectly normal to feel the way I\we do. In fact, she said we wouldn't be human if we didn't bounce around the stages. This isn't a linear process.
Pisses me off, but better the devil I know than the one I don't, ya know? MAL or KAW said it better when either said something about investing the time into a new relationship having no way of knowing if the OP can recipricate the things you give. At least you know your W can and did at one time.
I don't know where my path is leading and I am terrified of the future, but I feel as though I am on the right path. Each day will be different and one more day past the betrayals. When you're going through hell, keep going.
