I meant to comment on this in my earlier post and forgot...
Quoting Jethro: I've said, "W, it would be nice if you did A or B," then her response in defense is to say, "Well, jethro, I've done C, D, and E."
I know what that is like and know how that leaves both partners feeling frustrated, so discussions that start off that way don't work very well. Jethro, the next time you want to "ask for what you want", don't directly ask for it. Don't phrase as it as an expectation - "if would be nice if you did A or B", but rather as an outcome of a choice she can make - "if I received A or B, this is how I would feel" and the choice is totally up to her.
By giving her the power of choice rather than laying a burden of expectation upon her, will give her the oppurtunity to demonstrate the conviction you are seeking and turn the frustration you both have into validation of the support for each other.
This is a discovery I have recently made and it is working pretty well, although I'm still tweeking the technique.
