If you feel incapable of forgiving your husband, even when he regrets and is repentant of what he has done... then you are unwilling to forgive.
A marriage cannot survive when one partner is unwilling to forgive. Unless the marriage never undergoes trials. Do you know of any marriages like that?
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My m will never be the same and I've decided that I'm not happy with him and I can't say that I ever will be.
you're right. it will never be the same. The thing is though... you're not God... you cant see the future. So you dont KNOW, whether "not the same" will be better, or worse. Many people who have worked through infidelity in their marriage, say that their marriage is BETTER now, than before.
I have read that you have "been trying" for 3 years. I think the question you might best think about, though, is not "How hard have I been trying?", or ?"how long have I been trying?" but.. "Have I been trying the RIGHT things?"
There is no "One True Marriage Recovery Way" that works for everyone. Maybe you should look into one or two different ones before giving up.
Going to retrouville is one weekend. It may bring up something that you have never thought to try. Worst case... you blow a weekend. Best case... you learn something, that, even if it doesnt help you with your marriage right now, could help you as a person for the future.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I understand the reason behind the 2x4 you are wielding. People should try everything in their power to try to fix a M before deciding to D. But only Gwyn (and her H who isn't here) has the knowledge as to when that right time is, so we should respect her decision unless it is obvious that she is making an ill-informed choice. I personally don't see a reason why she shouldn't at least try Retro or WWME weekend, but I am not her.
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After giving up on 2 marriages, you will not have the level of commitment to the whole institution of marriage itself, to do what it takes to preserve a 3rd one.
That is an overly bold statement, given that you only know this person based on a few posts on an internet MB.
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marriage isn't about "finding the right person", particularly when you arent "the right person" for someone else right now.
Again, how do you know? On what authority can you make that statement?
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The fact that you are the one giving up on even trying retrouville,... for one lousy little weekend... when you and your husband had both agreed to try it.. shows that "you arent the marrying kind".
This is working under the assumption Retro would even work for someone who may not be open to it.
Like I said, I think your 2x4 is being swung from a place of caring, but I think some of the statements are ill-advised.
Gwyn,
I would recommend you try the Retro. But always try to make sure that the decisions you are making are the best ones for you and those you love. That's really all you can do.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
marriage isn't about "finding the right person", particularly when you arent "the right person" for someone else right now.
Again, how do you know? On what authority can you make that statement?
I make it based on her decision, that she just posted.
Her decision is not, "I've tried everything, and it doesnt work". Her decision was, "well, I was GOING to try something, but I just feel too hurt to try it, or even just learn more about it (for one weekend). So I'm not going to try any more".
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I get the context of your statement now. I was working under the interpretation that you thought she was NEVER going to be the right person, but you were saying she had decided she wasn't the right person for her H.
Frankly, I'll bet she isn't even in the frame of mind right now to search for somebody else, but that would be an assumption on my part. If true, your caution to her is unnecessary. I still do think that your position that she should avoid marriage altogether from now on is overstated.
But that really isn't the main point of the conversation now, and Gwyn can defend her own decisions. I just thought that your push to get her to Retro wasn't likely to produce a positive response.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I too would encourage you to try Retrovaille, not even so much for your M, but FOR YOU. As you are well aware, a lot of the dynamic in your M has nothing to do with H, but with your childhood. I really think the kind of exploration of your M that could come with Ret could help you in the long run, regardless of whether you get a D or not.
Chrome - how right you are about not interested in finding the right person! I'm not in that frame of mind. I truly think men are scum and I'm sick and tired of being told that in order for me to be whole person, I have to have someone in my life. That's reading between lines here but that's the impression I get from some of the posts.
OT, I have a lot of childhood issues, but I'm still in IC so I'm working through those with him. The pamplet that I received from Ret stated that the program is designed for those that are committed in making their M work. It was all there in black and white. Have you been? If so, did it help your M or help you individually.
Look, my H had an A and while that's enough biblically and legally to divorce my H that isn't the entire reason. There are others. Yes, my H is remorseful, yes, he's tried and yes, I have tried. Have I tried everything? No, of course not. But you know what? I've tried enough things to find peace in my decision.
Eh, scum has a purpose in the great chain of life ...
On a more serious note ...
I think everyone here just wants to make sure you are making this decision from a position of mental/emotional peace (and thus more likely from a position of certainty) and not from a position of emotional turmoil, which can lead to regret later when the emotions die down. I am guilty all the time of acting from emotions, and I am often filled with regret. Going to Retro could emphasize to you that this is the right decision, or it could illustrate that emotions are in control. It is often hard to see when that is the case. I don't think that going is a waste of time at all, even if the result is MORE certainty that D is where you need to go.
JMHO of course
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Thank you for the concern. You know someone asked me why did it take 2 1/2 years to make the decision and the answer is exactly what you're touching on. I was on meds, my emotions were completely out of control and I knew better than to make a life changing decision like this when my emotions were running wild. It took me this long to get them in check. I'm off the meds and I'm feeling much better.
I don't think Ret is a waste of time, I frankly just don't want to go. Plain and simple. I'm not avoiding or scared of feeling differently, I feel as though I've stayed confused long enough and I don't want anymore junk in my head. This touchy feely stuff is getting on my nerves. It is what it is. My H had a year affair with a 30 year disgusting person, and I can't get over it. There's nothing wrong with this, nor is there anything wrong with me. I'm not going to treated as though I'm the bad-guy. I'm the person who gave up 2 1/2 years of their life to try and salvage a M that someone thought so little of. That's how I feel and I'm fine with the decision. I'm not emotional about it at all.
