You guys are so cool! Thanks for the input KAW, SB, SBH, and Robin. I was a bundle of nerves the entire weekend.

So, Robin, our anniversary was very nice. We went to a comedy club, had some laughs, then went Karaoke-ing, and off to get a burger at 1:30 in the morning! Really, it was great, except at the beginning of evening when I was reminded that last year (our milestone 10th anniversary), my W was in the middle of her A. Couldn't quite get that out of my head, voiced it, and my W's response was, "could you put on a happy face for the rest of the evening?" She said it nicely, and I complied (thankfully).

So, on Saturday I was reminded of something my W said during the 2nd bomb (before I knew about the A). She said, "I don't feel passion for you...never really did." Well, naturally that hurt at the time (still does). My response was, "Maybe you'd feel that way with anyone...because you've, in effect, turned off your feelings." Her response was, "I KNOW that's not the case." Well, duh, what a red flag for me at the time, but I didn't really clue in...

All weekend I was thinking about this conversation and how utterly horrible it was. It really got me down. I was moping about all weekend (not good). My mind began wandering to things like:
- "Why should I even try to work things out?"
- "I've given so much to this R over the years and have received next to nothing."
- "How can I ever trust her again?"
- "Why should I trust her again?"

My W pretty much left me alone for the weekend, which was probably good. But I did tell her that sometimes I don't even feel like working things out. And I don't. Over the weekend I felt pretty belligerent about the whole thing, but didn't say too much, as I know better (even though a little slipped out).

She kept saying, "We have to move past this. We're on the right path." Blah...blah...blah... Thing is, this R is not what I want. I want her to love me, damn it, and act like she loves me. Yes, she is doing more for me these days, and for that I'm thankful. Problem is, there's little conviction in what she does (except for that one week a few weeks ago that was amazing). It's a little better than her just going through the motions, but it's not where it needs to be. It's not where it needs to be for me. I'm getting impatient and not sure how long I want to drag this out.

So, why is this? Why am I feeling this way? Is it unreasonable? Am I being too impatient? My thoughts are gravitating to what it would be like to have a real R with someone who really seems to like me. Hell, I'm not a bad catch--I'm fit/athletic, not bad looking, a good dad, play guitar, woodwork, cook, have a decent job that pays well, do stuff around the house...

You know, I think it would be nice to just be loved. I'm not asking for falling on the knees love, for crying out loud, just something with conviction. I have wanted this for many years and my faithfulness gets paid by her unfaithfulness. Hell, when it comes down to it, I should have been the WA!

Ugh...to go down this road is not healthy, but I can't help it. Do I just need to suck it up? Guys?

jethro