I'm sorry to not have been around for a while...lotsa stuff in my sitch and I have been burned out. I feel a great amount of empathy for you.
Quote: Now, I just have to get over the A. It's easier when she's the way she is lately, but I think on it every day. I'm afraid each time I tell her I love her. Heck, I'm gun-shy. I don't want to be trampled again... Unbelievable. I fight hard to get the R I want and now I'm "hesitant." This sh!t is hard...but not as hard as it was only a few months ago.
Ups and down, up and down...how can you not be afraid and hesitant? You have been betrayed! By the one who vowed never to betray you! Getting "over" the A will not happen overnight, I am learning. Especially when everything reminds you of the deceit, and lies, and betrayal.
Then, the waw becomes involved in working on the M and now that there seems to be honest and open lines of communication, you want to let em have it! Darn right! It's easy to feel that way when you have all of this anger built up. But you never just let em have it...no, it trickles out. A comment here, a joke there, each intended as a slight.
But then you wonder, "Did I just go too far? Did I just say the thing that is going to push her away?" You feel like you are walking a tightrope made of eggshells. I can't explain why we (or at least, I) act this way. We are angry and I feel that our Ws need to help us with this anger. And when I figure out how they can do this, I'll let you know, then write a book! Right now, I'll settle for what I have: she wants to save the marriage and she loves me. I'll build from there (if I'm not in jail - see my sitch).
I guess the thing to realize is exactly what you said, "This sh!t is hard." But we wouldn't be going through it if we didn't think it is worth it. I dearly love my W an I know you dearly love yours, and in a nutshell, that is why we are here.
I think at this point, and I agree with everyone here, "piecing" is a difficult place to be. But, at least we are here and more importantly, our Ss are listening.
