I was just caught up and was about to post a lengthy reply when I just read your & your W's email. After reading that, I'm confident the two of you will work your way through this. Then lay back some and monitor. I think you see some changes in the right direction. She will bring up some suggestions in things you might want to do differently. If they seem the right thing to do, then implement them. This what the DBing process transforms into when the R becomes a healthy one and being nutured to stay healthy.
Speaking of continuing the DBing process and how it relates to the underlying theme here, is each partner has to remember it is first and foremost to be reponsible for our own PMA and not rely on our partner to maintain our PMA. (and oh this a tough one, one I'm still need to get better at.) We don't want to lose ourselves in the effort to make an us.
When her PMA takes a nose drive, I understand totally about how that effects you!, but it is very important just like before to back off. When she still has her problems to work out, you must let her work on them herself. Back off so she doesn't feel pressured, then she will not associate R as being part of her problems.
Remember, backing off only means you are respecting her space to work through her issues her way. So don't take it personally. This will help diffuse the impact her negativatey will have on you. When you give her space, make sure you are taking the time to do what you enjoy. Take your mind of W for a while. Its OK not to have her on your mind 24/7. At this point, we tend to feel guilty, if we aren't constantly thinking about M or worry that we are falling back to old patterns and this wears on us and we become so tired, but it not healthy for us, them or our M to constantly concentrate on them. We need to find the balance between doing for us and doing for them.
The both of you are soley responsible for your own PMA's and when you can bring that to the party (M), then a good time can be had by all.
But by "backing off", doesn't mean you can't talk about it. As you will discover with your email, you will need to put feelers out there to assess where our partners are so we don't superimpose our thoughts to their actions and allow us to do whats needed without us getting resentful or frustrated.
Well, I ended getting long winded anyway, but wanted to chime in to say, Jethro, you're transending the "natural" progress of turning your M into a healthy one. There will be bumps along the way, but they are all inclusive in the path that brings yourself closer to what you want.
P.S. From your W's email, I sense she has a very good grasp on what works to get to a healthy M and is very committed to getting there ... it is a matter of finding the balance.
