Okay gang, I wrote the following e-mail to my W and got a response (I share an office, so I can't talk on the phone):
Quoting Jethro's letter:Hi. I very often question whether I should tell you certain things these days because I'm unclear about whether I should just drop it (which I do very often) or not. It all comes down to only doing/saying things that bring us closer together, rather than not. And again, sometimes I'm not sure whether what I say/do accomplishes this end-goal.
I do want to tell you that our discussion last Saturday (about you feeling as though I'm not doing my own thing and pressuring/smothering you) REALLY upset me. You know, I have been sacrificing a lot (for some time now) to keep things together...one of which is to take time to do the things I like to do. I want time to do these things. Believe me. However, I won't do certain things if I feel as though I'm undermining what we need to do to try and improve/better our situation. It was something we did wrong in the past and I don't want to repeat the past, W.
Maybe I'm trying too hard...I kind of think I am. I'm not trying to pressure you. I'm trying to better things for us. But, frankly, I'm tired from working so hard, as I've been doing it for a long time. You acknowledged this yourself at [Karaoke Bar] when you mentioned to me how difficult it must have been to do what I did (and have done). Well, I never told you how much I appreciated your validation on that (sorry), but it did take a tremendous amount of willpower, and I did what I thought necessary.
It seems that when you are feeling good about things, our relationship isn't that much of an issue, but as soon as you are feeling badly about yourself, then there's a problem with us, or a problem with me doing too much of this or not enough of that. I feel as though you are measuring our relationship solely based on how you happen to feel about yourself at any given moment. I think, in a way, most people do this (I do sometimes), and don't fault you for it. I just want you to recognize it for what it is.
I'm not really angry. I just feel very hurt right now...about EVERYTHING. I don't like feeling this way, but I can't believe the things that have transpired. It makes me sick to my stomach. For some reason, you telling me how you felt on Saturday just felt like you were performing open heart surgery on me again. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but I feel that way nonetheless. The only thing that seems to help when I'm feeling that way is to work my ass off and keep busy...which I did all weekend.
I don't know, honey. I know it hurts for you to hear these things, but I'm hurting. I have been hurting for a long time. You have been doing a lot lately to show me you care, and for this I am so very thankful. But if you asked me what kind of relationship I'd be happy/satisfied with, then I'd have to say the week before last would pretty much be it (and I'm not just talking about the sex). I'm talking about your "presence." For the last week you are again distant and not so present. I understand there are many ups and downs to be had here. But I want some more ups like we had two weeks ago. You showed me something I've been longing for for so long...
Of course, when you are distant, I begin to wonder if it's because you are unhappy with our situation. How can I not? I have no control over your feelings or how you will be one day to the next, but I can't help but think when you are down, it's because you are not happy with much of anything, including us. And that is just yet another reminder of the painful past.
I don't know. I'm kind of at a loss. I don't know what more to say.
So, her response was okay, as follows:
Quoting W:I appreciate your honesty and your letting me know how you feel.I think you're right...you are, at times, trying too hard and at the expense of yourself. There's a fine balance between speaking your partners love language and not compromising yourself in the process. I think you're trying to do everything right and that's a LOT of pressure. An example of your trying too hard was the night i was dozing on your lap, and you wanted to go in the garage but felt we should be spending time together--so you stayed even though i wasn't even awake. I WANT you to do the things you enjoy and while i agree we need to be spending time together, i think space is good, too.
I keep trying to write more, but am getting interrupted continuously by D and S. Lets talk later.
Love, Me
Well, it was taken better than I thought it might. I guess you guys may have been right about just telling her how I felt. We'll see after I talk to her tonight. Wish me luck.
