Lillieperl, thanks from pulling that from your archives. That was very insightful.
I do think my H wants to change and be more truthful, but maybe that he wants only to be truthful to me. He still creates lies to others. For example, he tells strangers that his son got an athletic scholarship, others he tells that he got an academic scholarship when the truth is he got neither. He got grants and student loans. Another example, he overdraws his account constantly. He has overdraft protection so they don't bounce but he owes his overdraft loan now. To me, that is lying, mostly to himself but notheless still yet a lie. I don't think these things will ever change. I see it over and over and over again. He'll try for few months when we discuss these issues, but then he slips right back. I try to stand in judgment of my H, because I believe that everyone, including myself will tell a few white lies in now and then, but when trust is such an issue in our R, even the whitest lies become painful to me. Again, I don't want to sell my H short because he truly has tried to be upfront and honest with ME, but still is dishonest in other ways. Can I live with this, sure I can, if I set my mind to it after all its minor, right? I can do all things in Christ which strengths me. It's mind over matter, I get this. I just don't know if that's the way I want to spend the rest of my life.
It's a tough question, it's a tough situation, no matter what decision or what path I take, it will be tough. Now which tough is tougher? To me, that's the question. Any answers?
Congrats! I wish you both all the success in the world
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
That's great Gwyn, I think you'll get some positive movement there, whether it points you in the direction of staying or leaving, either way I hope it will be helpful.
I received information from Retrouville and read it thoroughly. I've decided it's not for me but I thank you for the suggestion. I've been really evaluating my sitch and praying, etc. I've asked my H for a divorce. I believe this is the best thing for me and him. As you all have said here, if I can't let it go and if there isn't anything he can do, let him go. I've decided that is the only fair thing to do and for my own sanity, I think that's what needs to be done for me. We've talked about this and have decided that we will do this amicably and try to keep our friendship in tact. We're both sad, but my H understands and as a matter of fact he told me he knew where I was. I was to the point of "I don't care what he does" and there is some truth in that. He said he knew this from his own experience in his first M.
I will moving to yet another forum, separated, divorced, or whatever the name of the forum is that will best fit my sitch.
Thank you all for listening and sharing your wisdom.
Ret.'s information stated that their program was for those who are committed. I am not. I have decided that my H crossed my boundary. My m will never be the same and I've decided that I'm not happy with him and I can't say that I ever will be. He's hurt me deeply more than any person on this planet has ever hurt me and I have not desire to work on anything with him at this point. It's over. And not because "being married is not for me" being married to my H is not for me. Please understand the difference.
If you do follow through with divorce, may I make a suggestion that you do not intend to get married again. Because it will most likely only end up in divorce again.
After giving up on 2 marriages, you will not have the level of commitment to the whole institution of marriage itself, to do what it takes to preserve a 3rd one.
marriage isn't about "finding the right person", particularly when you arent "the right person" for someone else right now.
The fact that you are the one giving up on even trying retrouville,... for one lousy little weekend... when you and your husband had both agreed to try it.. shows that "you arent the marrying kind".
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
If you do follow through with divorce, may I make a suggestion that you do not intend to get married again. Because it will most likely only end up in divorce again.
After giving up on 2 marriages, you will not have the level of commitment to the whole institution of marriage itself, to do what it takes to preserve a 3rd one.
marriage isn't about "finding the right person", particularly when you arent "the right person" for someone else right now.
The fact that you are the one giving up on even trying retrouville,... for one lousy little weekend... when you and your husband had both agreed to try it.. shows that "you arent the marrying kind".
That's a cruel thing to say, Dom. And unjust. I think it's perfectly fair to say: "sorry, can't get over it" to a spouse that had an affair. It's also perfectly fair to have a lag phase of indecision, and then decide "sorry, can't get over it".
Some will decide their marriage is worth fighting for. Others won't. It's totally up to the LBS, imo, which way they want to go.
Who do you think you are? Do not tell me what you suggest because I don't give a rat's *&@ what you think. You have no idea what I've been through and and the pride I took in my marriages. They, my hs, will tell you that they treated me like *&*^. And those are not my words, those belong to them.
Dom, I resent your tone. It's people like you that keep people like us on this never ending roller coaster. This board is all about helping people find their direction. I've found mine and I'm sorry it doesn't fit with what you think.
And, I'll have you know that I am in fact the marrying kind and I happen to be a very loving, caring and faithful wife. Both of my Hs have said that they were lucky to have me.
