I had so hoped that you hadn't been around much because things were going well. That sucks! You have worked so hard, she has no idea! Maybe you should tell her if and when the time is right, how hard it is for you to make a good appearance sometimes.
Glad you have LL to talk to - I guess it's true, the hard work starts in piecing it back together.
I hope this is just a dip in the roller coaster and things will soon be back on track. In the meantime, you describe your PMA responding to her PMA, so I think you need to keep a bit of distance somehow when she has her lows. And try not to take it as a reflection of you or your M. Could be just that she's in a bit of a funk (I can relate). If you can sense that happening, it's probably best to give her space, just until she starts to come around. This seems to be naturally when you want some distance, so that works.
You have been so patient. Your W is very lucky to have you.
Quote: Maybe you should tell her if and when the time is right, how hard it is for you to make a good appearance sometimes.
She acknowledged this herself a couple of weekends ago. She knows, but apparently, she expects me to do this anyway. Thing is, given what she said on Saturday, I'm a bit gun-shy about saying anything right now, as she'll feel more pressure. I've noticed in the past when I am honest about my feelings about how things are going or about her A, she naturally gets upset. Her getting upset tends to put her in a funk.
Quote: I hope this is just a dip in the roller coaster and things will soon be back on track. In the meantime, you describe your PMA responding to her PMA, so I think you need to keep a bit of distance somehow when she has her lows. And try not to take it as a reflection of you or your M. Could be just that she's in a bit of a funk (I can relate). If you can sense that happening, it's probably best to give her space, just until she starts to come around. This seems to be naturally when you want some distance, so that works.
I couldn't agree with you more, Robin, about distancing myself from my W. Thing is, this gets easier and easier...and sometimes, I don't necessarily think it's healthy for either one of us.
I know my W is in pain. I know she regrets having an A. I know things haven't been right with her for a long time. But, hell, I've been in pain for a long time too...and I'm not just referring to the first bomb back in 10/01.
Quoting jethro: I couldn't agree with you more, Robin, about distancing myself from my W. Thing is, this gets easier and easier...and sometimes, I don't necessarily think it's healthy for either one of us.
But what's the alternative? If she feels you are in her face when she wants some distance, she will see it as you pressuring her. I remember a quote my dad cited during his speech at our wedding (can't remember who he was quoting): "Let there be spaces in your togetherness". I think as long as you come back together regularly, occasional space is not a bad thing. H and I had only space for a long time. Think that's where we went wrong.
Robin, I suppose there's no alternative. When I say it gets easier, I'm saying it is getting easier for me to remain distant from my W rather than put in the effort it takes to make our R work.
My W just called me to check in. I have to give her credit for this because she's checking in to let me know she's not with OM. She does this quite often, and I appreciate it. Also, she told me about arrangements she's making for this Friday to get the kids some babysitting. I asked for what, and she reminded me that it's our anniversary (our 11th). I guess I just forgot. I don't really know what to do. I don't feel very celebratory.
I really want to tell her how upset I was about what she told me Saturday, but I'm not sure that I should...
Sorry your PMA is in the toilet. Seems to be catching .
Lots of us here in piecing (it seems to me) are having trouble with feeling like we're giving our all, and getting not quite enough in return. Sigh.
I agree with (?) above, try not to attach your PMA to hers. It's really hard, I know. Especially when you get "called" on behaviours that seemed to be just fine a week ago!
And about bringing up the A and such bringing your W down, well, so what. It's not like a constant barrage is it? I'm mentioning things less and less, but only because I don't have any questions at the time. Not because of what it will do to my H's mood. It always brings him down. I just hsve to learn to let him deal with it.
Perhaps backing off a bit might be good in your sitch. If W notices and says something...hmmmm....maybe agree with her that you both need space and other interests?
Tough though, when work etc. is eating up a lot of your time. Quite a bind, J, perhaps this "dip" is just a thang and will swing back up to where you were a couple of weeks ago.
Quote: I think your W calling and making arrangements for your anniversary says a lot. I think she feels a little bad for the other night.
Unfortunately, this says nothing, as we take turns arranging our anniversaries. This year just happens to be her turn. I got to arrange it last year when she was in the middle of her A. Wasn't that nice?
I think that it's just time to go back to acting as-if and doing my own thing when I want to and not "worry" when she wants to go out. Who knows what the result of that will be. My concern is that I will care less about our R and she will care more...
Our time-lines sound familiar too. My H had just ended A #1 and was just getting "more than friendly" with OW #2 when it was our 10th anniversary last May.
And I wondered why he was so quiet during dinner, why he wasn't more excited about the sapphire rings we exchanged (all my impetus, of course. I shudder when I recall the jeweller commenting on what a sweet couple we were, how still in love after 10 years... , How did H pull it off??).
Ah well, I think, no I know, that this funk you are in will lift some, J. I was in the pits for most of last week and now I feel a bit better. Just made a lengthy post to LL re the whole "physical touch" thing, seems lots of us are feeling down about it.
Okay gang, I wrote the following e-mail to my W and got a response (I share an office, so I can't talk on the phone):
Quoting Jethro's letter:Hi. I very often question whether I should tell you certain things these days because I'm unclear about whether I should just drop it (which I do very often) or not. It all comes down to only doing/saying things that bring us closer together, rather than not. And again, sometimes I'm not sure whether what I say/do accomplishes this end-goal.
I do want to tell you that our discussion last Saturday (about you feeling as though I'm not doing my own thing and pressuring/smothering you) REALLY upset me. You know, I have been sacrificing a lot (for some time now) to keep things together...one of which is to take time to do the things I like to do. I want time to do these things. Believe me. However, I won't do certain things if I feel as though I'm undermining what we need to do to try and improve/better our situation. It was something we did wrong in the past and I don't want to repeat the past, W.
Maybe I'm trying too hard...I kind of think I am. I'm not trying to pressure you. I'm trying to better things for us. But, frankly, I'm tired from working so hard, as I've been doing it for a long time. You acknowledged this yourself at [Karaoke Bar] when you mentioned to me how difficult it must have been to do what I did (and have done). Well, I never told you how much I appreciated your validation on that (sorry), but it did take a tremendous amount of willpower, and I did what I thought necessary.
It seems that when you are feeling good about things, our relationship isn't that much of an issue, but as soon as you are feeling badly about yourself, then there's a problem with us, or a problem with me doing too much of this or not enough of that. I feel as though you are measuring our relationship solely based on how you happen to feel about yourself at any given moment. I think, in a way, most people do this (I do sometimes), and don't fault you for it. I just want you to recognize it for what it is.
I'm not really angry. I just feel very hurt right now...about EVERYTHING. I don't like feeling this way, but I can't believe the things that have transpired. It makes me sick to my stomach. For some reason, you telling me how you felt on Saturday just felt like you were performing open heart surgery on me again. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but I feel that way nonetheless. The only thing that seems to help when I'm feeling that way is to work my ass off and keep busy...which I did all weekend.
I don't know, honey. I know it hurts for you to hear these things, but I'm hurting. I have been hurting for a long time. You have been doing a lot lately to show me you care, and for this I am so very thankful. But if you asked me what kind of relationship I'd be happy/satisfied with, then I'd have to say the week before last would pretty much be it (and I'm not just talking about the sex). I'm talking about your "presence." For the last week you are again distant and not so present. I understand there are many ups and downs to be had here. But I want some more ups like we had two weeks ago. You showed me something I've been longing for for so long...
Of course, when you are distant, I begin to wonder if it's because you are unhappy with our situation. How can I not? I have no control over your feelings or how you will be one day to the next, but I can't help but think when you are down, it's because you are not happy with much of anything, including us. And that is just yet another reminder of the painful past.
I don't know. I'm kind of at a loss. I don't know what more to say.
So, her response was okay, as follows:
Quoting W:I appreciate your honesty and your letting me know how you feel.I think you're right...you are, at times, trying too hard and at the expense of yourself. There's a fine balance between speaking your partners love language and not compromising yourself in the process. I think you're trying to do everything right and that's a LOT of pressure. An example of your trying too hard was the night i was dozing on your lap, and you wanted to go in the garage but felt we should be spending time together--so you stayed even though i wasn't even awake. I WANT you to do the things you enjoy and while i agree we need to be spending time together, i think space is good, too.
I keep trying to write more, but am getting interrupted continuously by D and S. Lets talk later.
Love, Me
Well, it was taken better than I thought it might. I guess you guys may have been right about just telling her how I felt. We'll see after I talk to her tonight. Wish me luck.
Not too much to add j, other than hang in there. We all know there are ups and downs in all of this, and there always will be. You're in a down right now, and it too will end. A lot of people around here say not to get caught up in our Ses moods. Seems like perhaps that's what you're doing.
I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
.
