Sue, SB, PNT, RJJ, and MAL, thanks so much for stopping by.

I wish I had more good news to report, but alas, the roller coaster continues and my PMA is in the toilet. So, for about a week, my W was wonderfully attentive...acted like she really did love me. It was like I was in a different world--affection, happiness, attentiveness, daily sex (sorry all), spending quality time with the kids, acting positive, etc. All of the good stuff we all hope for. Well, for whatever reason, her PMA crashed. Not sure why, but it did. So, for the last week, I've not been doing well. I probably should have posted sooner, but didn't feel up to it. Hopefully, you guys have some insights.

So, like I said, the last week has sucked. My W has backed off quite a bit...not as bad as when she was in WA mode, but close. On Saturday, we got into an R talk that really got me down. She went on to tell me how she feels as though I'm going back to wanting to be around her all of the time, not doing things by myself, and smothering and putting further pressure on her. Well, my behavior has been no different towards her than it was 2 weeks ago when she was feeling great about everything. So, what gives? I simply told her that I've been trying to make sure we spend time together because it was the lack of that that I felt led her to have an A. I also told her that maybe I've been trying too hard, and that I want to do things by (and for) myself, but get guilty because of not spending enough time with the children, and being concerned because I don't want to repeat the past. (You see, I've been working a lot lately because of a project I'm on and have a little less time with the family, so it's that much more important to me to ensure I spend an appropriate amount of time with my children AND my W.) Her response was to give myself a break. Whatever...

On Saturday and Sunday I pretty much did my own thing, sometimes with the kids, sometimes by myself, and didn't interact with her all that much. More so on Sunday.

Guys, she's being fairly cold again and I don't like it. I'm totally sick of this sh!t. I give and give and give, try to do the right thing, and no matter how I approach it and do the right thing, I shoot myself in the foot. Our lack of spending quality time in the past (among other things) led her to have an A, and yet, when I try to do this she doesn't want it. On top of that, I don't feel as attracted to her lately and my feelings are pretty much shutting down. I don't want to feel this way, but WTF? I'm burned out. I'm tired of being the one to hold this R together. Yeah, she's back and trying a little harder, but I want a real R. I'm finding myself looking a little more closely at other women, I'm starting to fantasize about what it would be like without my W, I'm getting more and more upset about everything, dwelling on her A, my PMA is in the toilet, and more and more I don't really feel like putting out the effort. THIS SUCKS and I'm tired.

I think perhaps I need to totally back off again and just do my own thing. I don't even have a problem with that. In fact, I'd almost rather do that because I don't want to have to deal with her. Little does she know that it takes a lot of effort on my part to spend time with her when oftentimes I don't even feel like it. Hell, maybe I should tell her. I just don't like this empty feeling inside of me. I don't feel like arguing with her (it's just not worth it), but I also don't feel like being nice. I still can't believe that after all we've been through since we were so young, she'd have the gaul to have an A! Dammit!

Sorry everyone. This has been building for a while...

jethro