Iv'e been trying to think of positive ways to brooch all sorts of R talk without seeming like im'e needy or whining.I need to figure out how to ask for what I want without scaring him. And work on his and my communication. I over the years have stopped communicating in the R because he won't talk. Not that I wanted to but because he didn't.H just though that if you didn't talk it would go away. i think we both built up resentment in the R.
I could say, I like it when you tell me how nice I look( if he does tell me. I can't just say it out of the blue), or when you say I love you it makes me feel loved. What do you think? Can you add more to this CL, MAT , Nikki, OT?
H did say last nite believe it or not that he decided to stay home from seeing his dad because we needed time to do things together.(like bow target shooting) He took me to dinner (fast food Salad) as we had to pick up some things for his Mom and hurried home so we could do shooting before it got Dark. Damn, im'e getting good might even be able to deer hunt with bow!
SO things in MOP are moving along well but, I still am very much on guard to the fact that they could change tomorrow, and keep Dbing as if.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, It sounds like you and I both have to work on the fear factor, and not allow it to paralyze us. In my case, it's working on building connection and intimacy, and not being discouraged by conflict or distance. In your case it's working on assertiveness, and not being afraid to influence your H to become better at connection and intimacy.
How is asking your H to acknowledge your attractiveness being needy or whiny? Do you expect your H to be defensive or rejecting if you ask for this?
What would you like your H to be doing more of (and less of)?
CL
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
[/quote]How is asking your H to acknowledge your attractiveness being needy or whiny? Do you expect your H to be defensive or rejecting if you ask for this? [quote]
Cl,
Thats just it, shouldn't be needy or whiney but I wonder if H would see it as such.
Hmmm,What would i like to see H do more of you ask.
More I love you's (but he also has to want to say it. He's said it twice but i also think he said it because he was afraid I would leave).
Definitaly more R talk (which I know I have to initiate and keep him in the convo).
Just to do the nice little things he used to do before his MLC. IE:he used to make me a foot bath when I got home, candle light dinners a couple of times, Flowers for no reason( I did get some recently because he knew i was upset about phone call from the person who thinks i need to know things).
These may not be big things but when you had them and now don't they mean alot.
Less of: Less Quietness about our R.
Less work (he works to much but, I would rather he keep his side job and Quit his full time job where OW works. He can turn the side job into full time but he has been where he ias so long i think it is a comfort zone for him. But that is up to him.
What are you plans for more or less of with your W?
Maybe we can use this to help us to work on the fear factor!
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I could say, I like it when you tell me how nice I look( if he does tell me. I can't just say it out of the blue), or when you say I love you it makes me feel loved. What do you think? Can you add more to this CL, MAT , Nikki, OT?
Tough question there jak.. not one I'm very good at, either. It may just be too soon on the ILY one. On the compliments, I like your idea of waiting til he says something and then appreciating him for it. Maybe next time you catch him admiring you, you can gently get a compliment out of him too by kinda joking about it - "Hey watcha looking at?" (flirty tone) or something. Then if you do get the compliment, tell/show him how much it means to you.
Quote:
Just to do the nice little things he used to do before his MLC. IE:he used to make me a foot bath when I got home, candle light dinners a couple of times, Flowers for no reason( I did get some recently because he knew i was upset about phone call from the person who thinks i need to know things).
Boy do I know mean here - I posted a bit about that on my thread too, the "little things." My MC says those ARE the big things, ultimately.
Hey did he tell you the flowers were a result of the phone call? Or is that an assumption on your part?? (I'm bad about assuming the worst). Maybe they were totally unrelated? If you can change your thinking on that, maybe that'll help some, too. See the things he IS doing in a better light.
((jak))
So happy for you, seems like things are slow but steady and going well.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
[/quote]Hey did he tell you the flowers were a result of the phone call? Or is that an assumption on your part?? [quote]
Nikki,
He didn't come right out and tell me that they were the result of the convo. but, told me in a round about way that he felt bad that she keeps calling (hence the flowers too).
It's funny I read the book the Five Love Languages and I am so close in score for all of them except for gifts but, still very much at this point, would really appriciate any little token. I think because it just lets me know that he is moving along and towards our M.
He is definitly doing much better. He wants to take his Mom to dinner tomorrow. Asked her earlier in the week. But, H has decided he wants to take me to the movies and spend some time together, told me last nite, why don't we take Mom right after you get out of work and dump her off then go to the movies! I just looked at him, and he said, I didn't mean it quite like that and smiled at me.
Thinking about a little R talk tonite.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Don't quite know yet but, I will by tonite. I do want to ask H how he is doing working on himself. and what his thought are on the R and what he thinks he wants out of the M. And I also would like to let him know what I would like to see for me.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, I'm excited about this. Maybe set a time expectation for how long you two can have a R talk, before it starts to spiral downward. How about 15 minutes?
My guess is you would want it to go on forever, and he will tire of it after a period of time. Set some boundaries around it. You two are practicing having a R talk, and you want it to be positive.
You can work on building the time with each talk.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, I think you should present everything you posted yesterday--how you want the positive things he used to do to return, how you would like him to work less, so there is more time for connection, and how you would like him to talk more with you. He needs to hear all this.
Have a plan in place in case you get some defensiveness. Try to validate how hard it is to change, but be firm that these are important to you.
I think you'll choose your words carefully, and will be respectful. My concern is that you will "walk on eggshells" and not say what's important to you.
I'm proud of you for pursuing this, and taking the R to a higher level of connection.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
