You are divorced and he is still trying to cake eat. I would let him know (if you are ready to) that you will not put up with his crap,and you have and can again live without him. It's called the ultimatum but you have to be ready for what happens.
Things that you have said make it sound like it will go toward you but, you need to be prepared if it doesn't.
Him calling her sweety on the text is telling me he is cake-eating so in MOP something needs to be said.
My H did this. I confronted him whenever I found out something and it did scare him enough to make him realize what he was losing and things are getting better.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 09/17/0702:42 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
It's a hard call to confront or not. On one hand, you want him to know that cake eating is not an option. On the other hand, I would be careful about letting him know that you snooped. He can always hide it better then you won't be able to know anything at all.
If you ask him up front if he is seeing OW again, would he tell you the truth? That may be a better way rather than confronting him saying you saw the txt msg.
If you don't say anything, you can continue snooping and gather data, but you won't be able to really use it against him, just as information to know what your action will be.
Not sure if I would confront, but it is up to you.
I have no idea what to do. He would probably lie at first, then get defensive and tell me that he and I are not married and he can do what he wants. All signs and behaviors point to us working this out. Why does he keep this door open? I know they have been close for about a year (pretty much the entire year he and I were separated) and from her texts I gather she is very needy.
She knows he spends alot of time with me. Why does she still want to be around? Why is she clinging to a man who is having a child with his ex wife?
I am going to sit on this today and think. We are supposed to go out of town this weekend together.
Thanks for letting me ramble and helping me. I can no longer tell many of my friends as they don't understand and think he is the biggest jerk.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
[/quote]I have no idea what to do. He would probably lie at first, then get defensive and tell me that he and I are not married and he can do what he wants. [quote]
SO2,
No, you are not married but, that does not give him the right to take advantage of you. HE is cake eating and in MOP you need to set boundries for you and the children. If you don't he may very well continue on this path of having everything the way he wants and never make any decisions.
I wouldn't let him know you snooped, keep that one to yourself. I would however let him know that you know he's still in contact with her and that you will not tolerate it. THen go dark again. No arguing, just state the facts. But that is ultimatly your decision. Just think about what you will put up with and for how long.
If he is calling her sweety then there is probobly more going on than you think.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Well, I just confronted him. I started off reminding him about our conversation a few weeks ago where there is not room for OW and he and I. I went on to tell him I know there is contact. He did lie and say it was every once in awhile and she is contacting him more as a friend because her dad is dying. I told him I thought she needed to find another friend.
He pretty much blew up saying he is sick of being accused of things. That is was not physical between them and she needs a friend. He pretty much lied about the amount of time they talk. I asked him if it ever struck him funny or strange that she is clinging on to him given our situation.
He turned the tables on me and said it seems like when things start to go good for us like it has in the past few weeks something always happens. Like it was my fault I rocked the boat.
He was very worked up and angry. I told him that he was the one who needed to put boundaries up with her. He was the only one that could do that.
So now I sit and wait. Going to keep watching. Need some support here. I am a bit on edge. This is where he gets so defensive that he backs off or says he isn't happy with our relationship.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
guilty == defensive. or at least it seems to me....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
He pretty much blew up saying he is sick of being accused of things. =================== HA! that was the same reaction my H had whenever I suspected things (and I was right at the time just didnt' know it). It is his defense mechanism to turn things on you, it's text book ST2, dont' let him waver your stance, he just doesn't want to see things for what they are.
========================== He was very worked up and angry. I told him that he was the one who needed to put boundaries up with her. He was the only one that could do that. ========================== You are very smart by saying this, no amount of "I dont' want you to see her" will make things work, they have to cut contact with op on their very own for changes to be true and permanet. I support you 110%, you had to say this, unlike him, you do have an spine, he's just wishy washy and doesn't want to confront op and man up.
============================ gets so defensive that he backs off or says he isn't happy with our relationship. --------------------------------------- That's the cowards way out, you DON'T NEED this kind of a man, he needs to shape up, stop all contact if indeed he wants to be your man for real, dont' fear his reaction, you are on the right track and dont' doubt yourself, you are showing him you won't tolerate any more disrespect by keeping the ow in the background.
=============== Why is she clinging to a man who is having a child with his ex wife? ================ Cause she is a needy damsel in distress
Stand your ground
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thank you guys. I am feeling shakey at the moment. I usually get this way after I confront him doubting myself. He has a gift of making me feel like the problem causer.
He left rather irritated with me. Who knows what the next few hours/days will bring. He and I are supposed to go out of town this weekend. May be up in the air now.
Another thing he said that struck me strange was.....we are not married. If we were married and this was happening then it would be different.
So, in other words since we are not married its ok for him to have OW lurking around?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
This is similar to what I went through with my W. Her PA had ended and all that was left was the EA that a phone call once or twice a week and some text messages would fan the embers. After the last time OM called we had the most recent blowup (just over 3 weeks ago). She had decided due to my reaction of her being on the phone with him for over 40 minutes that she was done. Her mother talked her out of leaving somehow. She then told me that she would stay but take it day by day. I said that's good I'm glad you aren't going but that's not good enough now.
I then proceeded to tell her that she decided she was going to go (again), now (again) she's not. I'm glad you're staying but here's how its going to be this time around. If you are staying you are done with OM entirely.
In my own mind I got around the ultamatim with "you don't have to stay, but if you do your contact with OM needs to end". As I was/am tired of living with his ghost.
As I am still, I had readied myself for her to go at any time. It gave me the conviction to stick by my words and mean them. She is still home. Perhaps finally getting over the 'addiction' now that contact appears to have ended.
Me36 W34 M13 K B10 B12 Bomb 06/07 Near WAW Me EA over W EA/PA over, contact with OM ended 08/07 W had to decide OM or Me; Still at home
I hope my exh chooses me and this baby as well. It really doesn't seem like that tough of a decision but I guess for them it is. It's so hard as he isn't living here right now and we are kind of in that limbo area.
Happy your W chose your marriage and is still home. I always wonder if they know the extent of the damage they have done. How they can just expect us to sit quietly after the distrust they have instilled.
Trust is something earned. So far my exh hasn't earned much. Sure he is around alot and being attentive to me, but the second he drives away I flip into suspicious mode. I never used to be this way and would rather not feel it.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
