Just wanted to chime in...your comment about your W not sleeping caught my attention. Not sleeping is also a symptom of depression. I point that out to you because many of the more experienced posters on here believe that depression is the thread that runs through all of MLC. I don't mean to suggest she is, or that if she is, you should do anything at all other than understand it. Like W2s and others, I believe you cannot and should not try to fix her. OTOH, understanding always helps with compassion.
Two good books on female depression: You Mean I don't Have to fell this way (colette dowling) and Perfect Daughters (more toward women from alcoholic families) by Ackerman.
Good luck. This is quite a trip you find yourself on.
