I can't make your hurt better, but I can tell you something that has helped me, and that is talking openly about it. I don't mean some wimpy-ass pleading, needy grab for attention, I mean a "Husband, do you have any idea just how hurt I still am over your leaving me? It is tearing me apart, and I am having great difficulty dealing with it". Discuss it after that until you feel better.
I did this very thing last night. We had a very long talk including getting into his family stuff and also delving back into our S and the trauma that caused me. I said that very line: "Do you have any idea how much this hurt me?" He is nothing but respectful and understanding of my need to vent these feelings. But it's hard for him to do given his past history of learning to avoid negative feelings/discussions. He is still in the habit of thinking "if we talk about it, things are not going well". I know he thinks if I don't discuss it, I must be fine with everything because he even made this same comment again last night: "Every few months you get into these discussions and it throws me for a loop. I keep thinking everything is going along fine and then, pow, you hit me with all these horrible feelings you are having about the M." I make sure he knows that just because we talk about it doesn't make the situation worse, it actually makes it better. Yes, it is painful to discuss but so necessary. He said he "gets it" but then he always seems shocked when I keep bringing it back up. He's been so conditioned to avoid anything painful from his parents that it's hard to have real conversations with him sometimes. And then I think, he's just giving me the "right" answers when I talk about my feelings. It's crazy. I go in circles wondering what it real and what is fake. All I know is I have to be true to my own feelings in order for this M to really work so that is what I am going to do from now on.
