LFL wrote: --------------------------------------------------------- The "good" column far outweighs the "bad" column. The problem is that the two items I have listed on the "bad" column (he left and sexually LD) are two major issues that will continue to be present in our M. I truly don't think he can change his sex drive and he certainly cannot change history, so it's all in whether or not I accept the M where it is now and really work on making it better as time goes by. He says he is committed to working on this indefinitely. He is trying, it is just slow going. ---------------------------------------------------------
Like you said, you can't change history. So what to do about it?
That is very hard for some people. It is hard for me. MrsNOP seems to have a gift for not letting history affect her so much, and the fact is, we have some serious history between us, and some of the early stuff is really ugly.
I suggest that you have a look at the truth. He left you. Later on, he came back. Both statements are equally true. When he came back, he began to "clean up his mess". He has continued to clean up his mess. That's a fact as well. That also begins to give greater weight to the "He came back" fact.
Truth is an interesting thing. The first truth - he left, hurts like fire, and the sting of it just won't go away. The second truth - he came back and is trying to correct his stupidity, just doesn't seem to offset the sting of the first truth.
The real problem lies in your hurt, not so much in the actions. I have had things happen in my past that I was simply emotionally ill-prepared to handle. The idea that someone could do THAT to ME, was beyond belief. My response was typically male (kill it) vs. the typical female response (rage, expression and wondering why).
I can't make your hurt better, but I can tell you something that has helped me, and that is talking openly about it. I don't mean some wimpy-ass pleading, needy grab for attention, I mean a "Husband, do you have any idea just how hurt I still am over your leaving me? It is tearing me apart, and I am having great difficulty dealing with it". Discuss it after that until you feel better.
Try it on for size. I bet it alleviates some of your hurt. Lather, rinse and repeat when the hurt rises up again in time. The more often you address it, the less power it will eventually hold over you.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks for the book suggestions Cobra. The reviews on Amazon ring so true. I see H and his mother in so much of what I read. I'd love for H to read them. We'll see how it goes.
I can't make your hurt better, but I can tell you something that has helped me, and that is talking openly about it. I don't mean some wimpy-ass pleading, needy grab for attention, I mean a "Husband, do you have any idea just how hurt I still am over your leaving me? It is tearing me apart, and I am having great difficulty dealing with it". Discuss it after that until you feel better.
I did this very thing last night. We had a very long talk including getting into his family stuff and also delving back into our S and the trauma that caused me. I said that very line: "Do you have any idea how much this hurt me?" He is nothing but respectful and understanding of my need to vent these feelings. But it's hard for him to do given his past history of learning to avoid negative feelings/discussions. He is still in the habit of thinking "if we talk about it, things are not going well". I know he thinks if I don't discuss it, I must be fine with everything because he even made this same comment again last night: "Every few months you get into these discussions and it throws me for a loop. I keep thinking everything is going along fine and then, pow, you hit me with all these horrible feelings you are having about the M." I make sure he knows that just because we talk about it doesn't make the situation worse, it actually makes it better. Yes, it is painful to discuss but so necessary. He said he "gets it" but then he always seems shocked when I keep bringing it back up. He's been so conditioned to avoid anything painful from his parents that it's hard to have real conversations with him sometimes. And then I think, he's just giving me the "right" answers when I talk about my feelings. It's crazy. I go in circles wondering what it real and what is fake. All I know is I have to be true to my own feelings in order for this M to really work so that is what I am going to do from now on.
It's interesting that his response is the typically male "If she isn't bitchin', everything is okay" response. Makes for some classic walk-away-wives.
I suggest you do keep talking to him, and that you tell him that you intend to bring it up with him whenever it is really bothering you. You need to get him to be in agreement with you that dealing with all this in the open is the way to fix it, that ignoring it will only make it worse.
See what you can do to make him a participant in helping you with your pain. It will also help rebuild trust in the relationship. Make it a project for both of you.
You are quite a find, LFL.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I think this is all really great stuff you are venting. Keep at it...
I am curious, though, given the conversation you had with your H last night... how are you feeling about your sexual R with you H today? Are you still feeling despondent about it, or have your feelings improved regarding it, because your overall feelings have improved?
I'd like to know, before we talk about the 'energy' thing... if you don't mind.
I had an interesting discussion with H last night. I think part of his views have evolved out of his dislike of his mother. He said."Well, you know where most of this mess started from - my mom. We were not allowed to express any negative feelings in our house." So no big shocker, that he was the perfect "people pleaser" most of the time and certainly didn't feel comfortable expressing his feelings with me.
Maybe he's just about ready to really get that ignoring the past and pushing it out of your mind is not the way to move past it.
Has she made any changes at all? Do you think either of them would be open to establishing a closer and less strained relationship? It's not required, but I think it helped in my case. Not a big "moment of closure" or anything like that, just hanging out in an unfused but loving way and learning to deal with each other like we should have done many years ago.
Originally Posted By: LustForLife
He is nothing but respectful and understanding of my need to vent these feelings. But it's hard for him to do given his past history of learning to avoid negative feelings/discussions. He is still in the habit of thinking "if we talk about it, things are not going well". I know he thinks if I don't discuss it, I must be fine with everything because he even made this same comment again last night: "Every few months you get into these discussions and it throws me for a loop. I keep thinking everything is going along fine and then, pow, you hit me with all these horrible feelings you are having about the M." I make sure he knows that just because we talk about it doesn't make the situation worse, it actually makes it better. Yes, it is painful to discuss but so necessary. He said he "gets it" but then he always seems shocked when I keep bringing it back up.
He may get that, but as long as he's carrying that anxiety around, he'll greet that discussion with as much enthusiasm as he would normally reserve for root canals and going on trial. He is on trial, as far as he can tell.
I'm not quite sure what you can do about it though. Understanding someone else's FOO doesn't really give you leverage to change their behavior... they have to understand their own FOO and really get what lessons they missed out on and then learn those lessons, and no one else can spoon-feed it to them. A good dose of reassurance when you talk to him like that doesn't hurt, but don't expect miracles right away.
Why do you let these thoughts swirl so long before you bring it up? Are you doing the same people pleasing bit he is, afraid of his reaction and his fear and his anger? It might be easier for both of you to have shorter, more frequent discussions, get both of you less afraid of them.
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 09/19/0702:58 AM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I'm not ignoring you all. I just need to take breather from the board. But I'm feeling ok. Still having good talks with H. Need to focus on just us for a little while.
