Walkin' Towards The Blessing!

[MidwesternGirl]

I hope you do not mind my posting this here but it came from Bob of Charlyne Cares and makes so much sense and I though people who are reading this thread will appreciate it:

THE LETTER OF A PRODIGAL SPOUSE -

Honey,

How in the world did I wind up out here? I just wanted to have some
innocent fun and things just got out of hand. It took more and more
fun to keep me happy, until the guilt was more than I could handle,
so I left. Maybe I was not as mad as you thought, but I just knew
that I did not deserve to be married to you. I thought once I was
away from you that the guilt would go away, but it hasn't. I only
feel more guilt about leaving. The world says divorce is ok and that
I am on my way to becoming a "swinging single," but so far it looks
like I am on the way to being a sad single.

Not to cry, but things are rough for me also right now. Do you think
it is pleasant to be uprooted from your entire life and replanted in
a land where guilt and sin and shame prevail? It is not. I know, it
was my decision, but I had to do it. Besides, it was almost as if it
really wasn't me doing those things. I wish I did not even know the
word "divorce."

I do not mean those things I say, such as, "I never loved you." We
both know that is just not true, but saying a lot of stuff is just
part of this whole mess. You are not a bad person. In fact, you are
a pretty neat person. That must be why I think about you about a
hundred times a day (but have never told anyone that part before). I
am trying so hard to look happy, but am slowly dying on the inside.

"Then why don't you come home?" You must be wondering. I just can't,
even though I think about that often. What would others think? That
I am a baby and needed my mother? Besides, I do not know how to
break it off with you-know-who, who does not know that I am even
writing you. If I came home, I would have a hard, hard time putting
all this behind me. Would you be patient enough to let me heal? I
am so afraid that if I ever came home (but I am never coming home) I
would do something and you would want me gone again. It will (I mean
it would, sorry) take time and a lot of work from both of us. Did I
tell you I dreamed about you and I praying together? It was only a
dream.

The best I have ever felt in a long time is when I heard that you
were praying for me. My prayers right now only go as high as the
ceiling, so I do not pray, but I know God is still there. He did not
go away just because I turned my back on Him, but I was ashamed to
really seek Him after all that I did. I know that God would never
allow me in Heaven now, so thanks for your prayers that are keeping
me alive on this earth.

What does "standing" mean? You need to get on with your life. I
stopped believing in fairy tales a long time ago. I am never going
to come home, but would like for us to be friends. I will call you
to talk about our being friends-just friends. No, I can't because
you-know-who forbids me to call. I do not know why there is such a
strange pull on my life from that corner.

I could come over and talk to you. That would feel good. I need to
lie to get out, so that would make you like the other person, so I
can't do that either. I feel like a caged animal most of the time.
Would you want me home just as I am, confused and all? Probably
not, after all that I have done to us.

I think this needs to be delivered in person, maybe left at your
(our) door. I will bring my things with me, just in case I happen to
see you and you say yes to my coming home. I can get out of this
other mess later, if you are willing.

Know what? My heart beats fast and I feel lighter when I plan how I
could come home. It is like the weight is off of me. This may be
another of many false starts, but I am practicing coming home today.
Sure hope you are ready to receive me, warts and all.

From someone who really never stopped loving you,
Your spouse, lover, friend, and protector