Here are some things I ponder. I don’t go home for at least 9 months yet, so it’s not imminent that I need to answer these questions immediately.
1. I wonder when it’s time to go home, how will I broach the “Where will I live” topic. It may just have to be a direct: “I’d like to come home”. This will most likely be followed by “The children are adjusted to you not being in the house and I am too. They got happier every day when you were away. It would not be good for them”
2. I read FaithfulHusbands thread after seeing him here for the first time in months. He reconciled after about 10 months. How do you ever get over the awkwardness of the whole thing if you do try to reconcile. I’d have no issue, but you’ve read about my W (those here with me for a period of time)…dressing in the closet when I left, piling pillows a mile high in between us in bed, tearing the bedroom apart, throwing stuff through the wall, angry all the time. I’d pick her up from work every day at the train station. She looked like she had sucked on lemons all day, every day as she headed into the car. Got in only to be robotic. Would not even say “be safe” as I headed off to Iraq. Her hatred toward me over the previous year still stings: “I know you tried, but your best sucked”, “Don’t you want to find someone who knocks your socks off?” (WHAT?) “You’re not a bad guy, you just don’t satisfy my emotional needs”, the old favorite “We have nothing in common” I once said to a marriage counselor back in 2003 “W is like an improvised spouse device. (Like IEDs here in Iraq). You never know where it will go off, for what reason of how long it will last. The whole thing was exacerbated by my D17, who was completely out of control, and magnified everything.
Maybe time and distance…who knows? Our Chaplain here and FaithfulH believe “time is on your side” She has been almost civil the past couple of times I called. No expectations..for what.
3. I don’t ever want to tell my kids that I want or wanted a divorce, nor do I feel I have to, but it makes it seem like I’m turning the kids against her if I don’t try to say the usual stuff. I really want her to do it if that’s what she wants. She once told me “I’ll need your help on this one” (explaining to the kids that SHE wanted a divorce) I know I had stuff to improve. I get that, but I don’t want any part of ever telling my kids this was any part of my idea.
4. I don’t want the awkward set up like before I left. Three nights a week at my old house. Shuffle the kids around while she stayed away, fix dinner, pay for the food, clean up and then go back to my closet-like apartment to get 4 hours of sleep to go to work the next day. When I would be ready to go home, she would not be home, and would get angry if I went home with the kids alone. Ds were 16 and 15 at the time, S was 8. I don’t want that kind of life for anyone. If she never wants back, I want to try to have a happy life without her, and that means find someone to share some time with. Seeing the kids this way is absolutely draining for everyone.
Well, all for now. Always good to hear from my friends here on the site. You guys have kept my head above water for over a year now. I really love you guys for that. I’ve said it before, you’re better than the $185 therapist I used to see: “Well, FLTC, what do YOU think?”
