I wanted to post this here since I feel so strongly that this was so true in my case. It was posted by "Underdog" on WCW's thread.
Quote:
I can tell you from experience that detaching in a loving fashion isn't THAT hard once you've been able to do it effectively a few times. Taking that first step is very difficult, so why not give yourself some time? If you think about it, lovingly detaching is honoring a personal boundary--and you're so worth that effort. Not every bad action needs to have a selfish or unkind response. Even if you don't feel he deserves that, you do. Because how you treat him is going to come back to you hundredfold.
I'm sure I did tell him in the beginning that I honestly felt we could and should fix what was broken. But as you can guess, that fell on deaf ears and was a pretty desperate path with a cheeseless tunnel. I soon found DB/DR and started MC and decided to follow my instructions to the letter and just leave him be. So here's how he knew.
I acted AS IF there was nothing wrong with our set up. I acted AS IF I was hopeful about our outcome. I acted AS IF there were no elephant in our living room--for the simple fact that I walked a tightrope where either way might have pressured him into doing what I didn't want him to do. I have no regrets and it honestly was a 180 for me--I've typically been a realistic person who just acts on the obvious. I didn't want to assume that we were headed for divorce, so I acted as if we were eventually going to reconcile. With me so far?
What I didn't find out until much later was that this pi$$ed him off. He once again indicated that he felt I was going to get my way, ergo that would mean he lost the battle and the war. He said my blind hopefulness was--in his opinion--just another means of me not taking him or his actions seriously. Well, believe me that I was taking every bit of this journey very seriously. And what I had done in the past didn't work so I was more than willing to change how I interacted with him.
Let me say this after the fact--I do NOT blame myself for this outcome or how I played that hand of cards. I see now that he was effectively throwing things back in my face to take it off his back. No matter what I had chosen to do, he would have interpreted the mechanism to suit his purposes. What I'm trying to convey to you guys is that if your H is hell bent on this same type of MO, make sure that your actions are completely true to who you are and the person you want the world to see who you are. It's the only way you're going to get to the other side whole and believing in yourselves.
Now, if your H is truly looking to give you the benefit of the doubt and is making a solid and truthful attempt at healing, you're not going to be in my shoes. My only advice would be to make sure that your actions equal your words and they aren't conveying non-verbal thoughts that don't jive with those slippery WAHs. Let me give you one clear example. My actions were overall for the greater good, but the subliminal message underlying my entire belief system was that Mr. W. was out of his mind and he would eventually regain his sanity.
It didn't help that there were tons of posters way back when who referred to their spouses as aliens. I was a bit uncomfortable with that notion. Just because our spouses don't agree with us and our set of values does not make them crazy or insane. It may mean a lot of things that aren't altogether positive, but it does not mean they are crazy or wrong for feeling the way they feel. I didn't (and still don't) agree with the reasons why Mr. Wonderful left me. I still get angry with him for our divorce (our 17th wedding anniversary was this past Saturday and I only felt some lingering anger). But his truth was that he no longer wanted to be married to me.
I didn't and don't like the reasons why he chose door #3. I've changed and he's admitted that freely. But for the longest time, he said he felt no hope that we could ever fix what was wrong. It's too bad, because I did what God asked me to do and he would have reaped the benefits from it. But he reaped anyway, because I'm a much nicer and kinder friend now that I've come through the tunnel. He's still the father to my girls and for that fact alone, I will give him respect. I still feel he's depressed and needs some help. But he's not an alien or insane and because he no longer wants to be married to me doesn't mean there is something inherently wrong with me. I'm human and flawed, but I am lovable and worthy of a man's love. Just not his--and I deserve that and more from a spouse.
