I bit my tongue on asking H how he felt about the OW during the three months when I THOUGHT they were broken up. Am I ever glad I did. I actually expected that he would have said he DID miss her and think about her, that would have been natural in my mind.
But since he WAS still in contact and lying about it, who knows what he would have said!
This time HE'S the one who has assured me that he doesn't miss her or long for her. I'm sure it helps that she turned out to be a controlling black-mailer .
And hey, "sometimes" is a lot better than "constantly"!
I'll admit that thoughts of the OW still pop into my head on a regular basis but now that H and I have pretty much gotten everything out between us - we have an agreement to not bring it up unless it's something important. I'm not saying we don't bring it up at all, it's just that we don't continue to constantly bring it up. I don't ask him if he's thinking about her or if he misses her, he doesn't talk about their time together.
Bringing up the issue only hurts both of us when we're working on moving on with our R and our lives and get what happened behind us - I think we're both doing a good job on that. But we are both working on it. I know I put a lot of effort into it.
Quote: I guess the response I'm looking for is, "A little, but I miss him less and less with each passing day."
uhm...jethro
Quote: This led me to ask if she still missed OM. She told me she did sometimes.
ok so tell me really how different is "sometimes" from "less and less"
hmmmm? don't think there's much of a difference...she used her words...you wanted to hear what you wanted to hear so didn't realize that she said exactly what you were looking to hear.
sometimes=less and less with each passing day
and I'd bet that it would be less and less if someone would stop asking about him too...
and yes I know I am here calling the kettle black...but hey we are here to help eachother even as we are learning ourselves right??
Quoting MAL:What would you hope to gain by asking that?
I'm gauging the situation, MAL. I've done this the whole time I've DB'd. By pinging her on certain issues or probing with specific questions, I'm able to determine where we stand.
So, your next question would naturally be, what did I determine from this question? Right? Well, simply put, I have work ahead of me. I think the more my W gravitates towards settling in with me, the more she will no longer miss the OM. I also think that I will begin to hear those ILYs too. Point is, we're just not there yet. I may see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's only a glimmer.
Quoting SB:And hey, "sometimes" is a lot better than "constantly"!
Yup!
Quoting Calystra:I'm not saying we don't bring it up at all, it's just that we don't continue to constantly bring it up.
I agree that there's a time and place for these conversations and sometimes they happen at inopportune moments.
Quoting LL:ok so tell me really how different is "sometimes" from "less and less"
Ahh...some hair-splitting semantics... Difference is, saying "less and less" suggests that she's getting over it, where saying "sometimes" does not suggest the same thing. You see? And you're right about me wanting to hear what I want to hear. Perhaps she did mean what I wanted to hear.
Quoting LL:and I'd bet that it would be less and less if someone would stop asking about him too...
hey, i was just in the tub and i thought of you, er your sitch, and i think i know why you ask that ?. have you ever had a pimple in your ear that you kept sticking your finger in there to see if it still killed? well, it's like that. you keep poking at the "pimple" seeing if it still hurts. and yours still does, because your w's answer. it's human nature. but in the future...DON'T PICK THAT PIMPLE, IT COULD LEAVE A SCAR AND HINDER HEALING. ok, now i can get some icecream! lisa
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ok, now i can get some icecream! lisa 