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Holding on to resentment from the past is not good. My W does this too. Drags up all her past complaints, can’t let things go, needs them to justify her anger, to justify her distance, to protect herself. At the heart of all this I believe is her inability to trust, her lack of faith in people. I don’t get that feeling from you, that you lack faith, rather you seem to hold onto your anger for other reasons which I’m not sure of.

I'm not exactly sure either although it is asking a lot to just trust H again after what happened. The resentment/anger is just a form of self-protection. If he does this again, I will have no one else to blame but myself, I feel like.
"Fool me once...."

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Does he get to express his feelings with you now? I’m asking whether HE feels he can, not whether YOU feel he can. I know your answer – “Yes, he can say anything he wants to me.” But he may not really feel this way. He may not even know how he feels about it. He may not know whether his is truly feel to say what he thinks or feels some level of intimidation because he has no good standard of “freedom” from which to judge, KWIM?

That is a great point. I even commented to him last night "You have masters degree in psychology and you are just realizing this crap." Or something like that. \:\/ It wasn't in a mean way and he took it the way it was intended. He basically said Corri's line "sometimes you can't see what you see until you see it." It's still a work in progress.
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Understanding his issues with his mom is a good start, but that is level 1. Level 2 is how did those feelings that he experienced with his mom translate into how he feels with you and treats you? Has he read NMMNG? Perhaps what is needed is for him to turn up his masculinity to better match yours.

I will look into the book, although he doesn't really read pop psych books. I think he may need to explore this topic more.
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If he believed he had a great mom, then I think there is a LOT of buried stuff. Kids who have an abusive mother do not come around to thinking she was great for no reason. The fact he once believed this points to his need to build a fantasy view of his past and block out the negative, for only in that way can he shut out the hurt and shame he felt as a kid.

So true. He does build up fantasy images. He did it with us and and he certainly did it with his parents. I specifically remember when we first met that he described his family as "The Cleevers" from leave it to Beaver. I have brought up since how distorted that view was and he agrees but doesn't really see how f-ed up his thinking was. It frustrates me that he doesn't really "get it." And why did he feel he needed to present that image to me? See how the beginning of our R was based on dishonesty? Maybe not intentional, but it was fake. I hate that.

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OK, so his mother had a temper, probably rages at the kids, put up a tough mean image of herself, which turned out to be all bluff. She was hiding her vulnerability and fears. Just a guess here, but I would bet she also turn to your H (since he was the people pleaser) to sooth and comfort her. She dumped all her problems on him and smothered him with more emotional baggage than a kid can handle. He was engulfed.

I don't know how much she actually raged. She is the type to plaster on that fake smile but also gives you that subtle look that H learned meant "act like everything is great or you are gonna get it later on." I see her do it to this day. Although sometimes she snaps at people because she can't hold that fake smile forever.
I remember when we were dating, I went over to his house (he was still living at home with his mom and sister) and his father had stopped by to pick something up from his mom. Well his mom thought her ex had taken something out of the house and started screaming "You Azzhole!" out the front door and my H was absolutely mortified. That is the only time I have ever seen his mom really lose her sh#t. I thought it was hilarious because this "Leave it to Beaver" family was anything but. It made them real. But H still swept it under the rug. In fact, he often said in our M that were were NOT going to be like that. He insisted it would be different. But clearly that was not to be.
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So what does he look for in a W? Someone independent, strong, like his mother, but not so he can rescue her, but so that strong women can stand on her own and not ask him of any emotional needs. He wants distance. Getting too close is dangerous for him. So he is the avoider, you the pursuer, even though you tend to run. Then you get ticked at him because he won’t respond to your “running away” style of pursuit (if you can follow that). Can you see where the work needs to be done for you and your H?

That is a good analysis. I'm still working on a strategy to get this on the right track. Please feel free to give me your suggestions.

LFL