Upgrading the Crazy Eddie Drive

[Crazy Eddie]

OK, I think I've finally worked out what a boundary is and what it's for.

It's not a threat, although a threat may or may not be needed. It's exactly what its name implies - an unambiguous line, one that no observer can have any reasonable doubt as to whether it's been crossed or not, and one that cannot be crossed accidentally.

I created one for the kids the other day. We all share a computer, and after listening to one too many arguments over who had what turn and who hogged the machine and who didn't get a "real" turn, I wrote a simple Java app that waits for the number of seconds you specify and then pops up a large window that says "Your time is expired. Please log off and let someone else have a turn". This window cannot be closed, and minimizing it causes it to pop right back up... the way to get rid of it is to log off. I set the time to twenty minutes and dropped a shortcut to it into each kid's Start menu in their Startup folder, so the timer would start as soon as they logged in.

My 11 year old thought it was an excellent idea. Not because she wouldn't enjoy having the computer to herself, or because she enjoys being a child, but because she doesn't enjoy feeling like she got screwed out of something that should be hers and she doesn't enjoy arguments over the issue that don't have a definite, predictable conclusion. That's why people appreciate boundaries... so they don't have to deal with ambiguity over whether they, or anyone else, is on the right side of it. Her 6 year old brother didn't quite "get" it... he smiled and pointed out that the window doesn't stop you from doing anything, and can be moved right off the screen. Of course you can also remove it from the start menu, or kill it in the Task Manager, or simply log out and log back in again. That's not the point. The point is that you can't possibly do any of that accidentally... you'll know you're doing it, and everyone else will know you're doing it deliberately, and any argument about it will have a definite, predictable conclusion.

The threat backing it up is an entirely separate matter. Once they know that the line is unambiguous and there's no way for them to cross it without it being clear that they've done so in a premeditated fashion, they'll know that any threat attached to it can and will be carried out without any hesitation or doubt.

You can see how different this is than "I will not live in a sex-starved marriage". What does that mean? Does she have to participate once a week? Twice a week? Do blowjobs count? Does she have to get into x, y, or z position? Does she have to touch you there? Does she have to smile or scream? What if she's busy with something more important? What counts as "more important"? What if she slacks off... what counts as "slacking off"? If you're not sure, then how's she supposed to figure it out?

"She's supposed to just want to do it" doesn't work, not if she's still trying to figure out how to get from where she's at to where you'll both be happy.

Or how about "no cheating"? That can be subject to endless levels of interpretation. Suppose someone puts the moves on her... does she have to slap him or can she just ignore it? What counts as "putting the moves on her"? Does laughing at it count as "flirting" or playing "hard to get" or does it count as "shooting him down"? What if he sneaks up on her and taps her on the shoulder... can she laugh, or is that considered flirting as well? What if he wants to talk about X and you won't discuss it... is it okay to talk about it with her? What if someone talks about having sex but doesn't explicitly mention any desire to have sex with any particular person? What about watching a video of someone having sex? Some of this is inherently hard, and some of this can be worked out in advance but sometimes isn't.

(In my case, I've decided, and declared, that if she cuts off daily affection or weekly sex or frequent emotional intimacy with yours truly, it's unacceptable whether she's intimate with someone else or closes herself off from everyone. What she's "allowed" to do otherwise is still kind of fuzzy, although the phrase "turnabout is fair play" has served well enough thus far)