I've mostly been posting in the "newcomers" section under the subject "so discouraged" if you need some history, but wanted to get some advice on the A. If the pronouns are confusing it is because this is a same-sex partnership. Were were together for 7 years until two weeks ago.
Found out more today about the extent of lying she has done. It turns out that she had been actively pursuing the OP since I discovered the suspicious e-mail in mid-July. The OP told a mutual friend that it was a friendly thing until my partner crossed a line. Then it went from flirting to a type of EA. I had asked my partner to cease all contact with the OP and remove OP from her social network "friends". She removed the friends contact and told me she was no longer in contact with the OP in any way. But apparently she never stopped phoning the OP. The OP told the mutual friend that my partner was relentlessly pursuing her and she was disturbed by the fact that my partner was even calling her at work, calls that she was uncomfortable with and could get in trouble for. The OP said her friends are telling her to run in the opposite direction, and that my partner is way more into this than she is. The OP even mentioned being disturbed by my partner's mood swings (she IS quite moody, but I'm assuming she's on her best behavior right now, and this is already bugging the OP? She ain't seen nothing yet--the mood swings are actually considerably better than they used to be). But...after a while the OP said she was flattered by the attention and did not want to hurt my partner's feelings, so has allowed this to become a physical affair. The OP apparently wanted/wants to call me, as she was a friend of mine, but the mutual friend told her that wasn't a good idea. My partner would be so crushed by this if she knew. She definitely has laid the groundwork to make this a relationship with the OP, but apparently that is not what the OP ultimately has in mind, though her actions are saying different and for all I know by now she could be into it as well. The OP left her relationship a year ago and says she enjoys the current showering of attention.
My partner is adament she has done nothing wrong because she broke up with me before "anything happened", so I have "no right to feel betrayed or disrespected". Right. She laid out all the plans and groundwork and had an EA, then moments before she got physical, she broke it off with me and thinks that she "has not done anything wrong". I asked her point blank just over a week ago if she was seeing this person and she said no, she just had coffee with her. I asked if she was lying to me and she said "no, I wouldn't lie to you about that." But I know now that she did lie, has been lying, and is still lying. She called me Thursday morning and didn't seem to want to get off the phone--in fact I ended the call. She just wanted to chat and chat. I realize now that she spent this past Wednesday night with the OP, but when I asked what she did that night (after she had asked me the same on Thursday morning), she said "nothing fabulous". Not terribly flattering to the OP... LIAR!!
How do I get past the lies? I'm still pretty much under my "veil of apathy", but it's the realization of all the lies that is crushing my spirit. Until now, I thought--knew--that she was honest to a fault. Who is this person?
How many other people have been told by their spouses that "it's over", "we're done", "I broke us up before anything happened so I did nothing wrong", "we will NEVER get back together", only to have their spouse backtrack on all these "certainties"? My partner complained to friends she was dissatisfied in the routine of our relationship for quite a while, but never told me. It feels like she was making excuses to behave badly should the opportunity arise, because she was acting very differently here than she implied to friends.
I'm doing my best to GAL but my mind keeps churning with images of them. At least now I know it's been going on for at least two weeks, so the anticipation/anxiety of them being intimate is over, but it's been replaced by a feeling of her slipping further and further away. We "co-parent" a small zoo of 2 dogs and 5 cats that we both love dearly, and she just walked away. She likes getting together to walk the dogs, but when I found out about the A and all the lies two days ago, I cancelled the scheduled walk and left her a note saying that I can respect her need for independence, but I can't allow myself to be disrespected and played for a fool at the same time. She flipped, and said I had no business shutting her off from the things she needs (stuff from the house that I told her I would get to her this week because I didn't want to see her for a bit). I have given her access to what she wants when she wants it right up until this past Friday, but I just needed space for a bit to absorb what I now know. I left the crucial things she needed on the porch with a note. It is a 180 from what I'd normally do, but she was so angry that I did that. Then later she texted to ask if I was OK. I feel manipulated: if anger doesn't work on me, she'll try kindness. If that doesn't work, she try venom. Why do WAS's turn so unrecognizable?
She went over to my parents' home twice this week just to hang out, but spends nights at the OPs, except for the times the OP said she couldn't (again, I think the OP is wary, but is getting caught up in all the flattery).
In other people's experience, how long does this type of affair last? I'm not waiting by the door, but I'm not closing it completely--I still have hopes that she will take time to work on herself and be alone for a while to see she can be independent. Why she had to swing from one lifeline to the next amazes me because she is so highly critical of others who do exactly what she is doing!!! I am REALLLLY trying to GAL, but the thought of them together just makes me physically ill...
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
Do i stop all contact entirely? I don't want to deprive her of the dogs and vice versa, but how do I proceed with maintaining my dignity, not writing her off, but taking my space, all while missing her terribly? Can this turn around? Does this ever happen even after a slew of words like those she threw at me (see above)? I know she's there at the OP's right now. How do people get through this?
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
I wanted to respond to you but didn't know what to say. I feel your pain in your post and im sorry for that. Affairs can last a long time or maybe not. My H didn't have an actual affair but some other issues..
SO I don't know what advice I can give other than to say keeping posting and journaling, it will help you get things out. There are a lot of good people on this board that may have some better advice than I could give. Continue to gal.... get your mind off things.
Take care.
TAL
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Thnaks--I appreciate your taking the time to respond. Hopefully some other people who have been told the same things as I've been will have some inspiration as well, because it's so discouraging to be up against someone who's a brick wall. She seems so angry at me--disproportionately so, even to the point that she's making stuff up to be angry about. For example, she has told people that I am constantly phoning/e-mailing/texting her, when in reality I have not contacted her first other than two times: once, when my car broke down I texted her for the roadside assistance number because she had the card number in her wallet, and the second time was to tell her I wouldn't be home one evening if she wanted to go spend some time with the dogs. Other than that, it is she who has called/texted me. Fortunately, I had been out with one friend all day and didn't even have my phone with me, and my partner told that friend the following day that I had called her (my partner) all the previous day. My friend knew that wasn't true, and told me what my partner said because she was so shocked that my partner would make that up. So why is she making up reasons to be angry? I have always been so accommodating, certainly too much so because apparently, although she needed so much financial and emotional support for her business for the past 4 years, my enabling her caused her to not stand on her own two feet and now she resents me for that. She is like a stranger right now, and I just want to have the best friend back that I could talk to about anything, not this irrational person who has taken to making up stories and being totally self absorbed (her latest statement to a friend who asked simply how she was: "I'm happy, that's all that matters isn't it? Now that I have to take care of myself, maybe I'll be more inspired to make things work in my business."). No mention of the affair (she thinks that friend doesn't know). And she hasn't been very inspired so far, because she didn't do any work at all last week and when she had the opportunity to make some money she turned it down. She then called me to complain that she had to get her business landlord to not cash her rent cheque because it would bounce. She was out of town since Friday and came back tonight and she has not been in contact. I assume she is at the OP's. I never knew she had it in her to be so callous.
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
I think you should really detach. GAL.. just not be around for her. She needs so know what she is missing out on. You need to get on with what makes you happy and stay busy.
She sounds quite immature. That she has no regard for your feelings at all... that's why you need to gal.
Good luck and I hope you start to heal your heart.
TAL
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Thanks TAL. I guess she's more immature than I ever thought her capable of. Guess that's why she's taken up with someone 11 years younger than me (me: 38; her: 36; OP: 27). It also explains her trying to relive her glory days of her early 20s in the weeks prior to her leaving.
She texted me numerous times today for various reasons. I responded twice to direct questions. Her first text was "We need to talk. Are you up to it?" I expect that she intended to tell me that she was officially seeing the OP, so she hasn't yet read the e-mail I sent telling her I know all about it and how long it's been going on and that she's lied to me and I know it. I told her I was not up to talking, and she should read her e-mail. In it, I told her to let me know when she'd be able to treat me like someone she respects and then we would talk when I was ready.
The advice from all seems to be consistent- GAL, GAL, GAL. And I'm doing that...it's just those pesky hours between 10:00 PM and 8:00 AM when sleeping should happen where my mind really goes wild, knowing where she is and with whom.
I posted this in the newcomers section, but realize that this forum may be more appropriate: What happens in the case where the new found soulmate doesn't exactly reciprocate the feelings of the cheating partner? What if they are just there because they like the attention, but the writing's on the wall that they are in it for the short term? I'm not pinning hopes on this at all--my question is more, what happens to the cheating partner when they realize that the person they chose to leave for in turn rejects them? Is there an MO? The cheaters all seem to operate from the same script from what I can see, but I'm curious to hear from people what happened to them when their S cheated, said it was over for good, then wound up rejected themselves. What happened next? I used to believe in karma, but I'm not so sure I do anymore. Not just in situations in my life, but in so many situations I've seen, the "good" one always loses, and the "bad" one always wins. I guess I'm just looking for some kind of "what goes around, comes around" stories, if anyone has any. And did the cheating spouse attempt to come back to the marriage. Maybe I'm being a bit sadistic. But she's texted me 8 times today (only 2 of which I responded to), and I'm ticked at being so nice and swallowing my hurt and anger and answering so civilly (though coolly)when I really want to reach through the phone and throttle her. Which is why I post here.
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
Plenty of cheating spouses do return. but sometimes one needs to consider the pros and cons of a situation. Especially when there are no children to consider. In a situation where one is dating, or there are no children (human that is, although I do think of my dog as "almost human"), trying to keep a family together is less of an issue. Some "pros" might be a relatively good history, the person is remorseful and truly wants to be with you, etc.... "Cons" might be... continues to lie, lied in the past, moving on might be easier than forgiving, etc...
All the advice about GALing is good. Another thing, all decisions should be made over time. Breaking it entirely apart, or reconnecting should be something thought carefully about over a period of time. Give space to work through anger and spiraling emotions.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
The advice from all seems to be consistent- GAL, GAL, GAL. And I'm doing that...it's just those pesky hours between 10:00 PM and 8:00 AM when sleeping should happen where my mind really goes wild, knowing where she is and with whom.
Welcome, Tara---
I hope that this doesn't come off as a plug for the pharmaceutical industry ,with purty flowers and soft lighting and little lambs frisking---but the best thing I did in the early part of my breakup was to put in a hysterical call to my doctor, putting her on notice that I was going to become a hopeless alcoholic if she didn't give me something for the anxiety I was feeling. She prescribed clonazepam, or something like that, and of course I washed it down with---I won't say what...but it did the trick, and I started sleeping, finally.
Do not underestimate the power of sleep. You absolutely MUST have sleep if you're going to get through this. Sleep first, then GAL, if you can. I understand that people do a lot of their problem-solving at night, in their sleep. That's what happened with me, I think. I started to remember my dreams vividly, and they were about aspects of my marriage. Sometimes I'd wake up incredibly refreshed, and sometimes I was haggard just from working and re-working through something painful.
As for affairs, and how long they last, my experience is that they don't last long. But my husband may have an unusually brief attention span. He has had several affairs, and is living with his current girlfriend. From what I can tell, he was passionately in love with her for six or eight months. I don't quite know where they are now, in the course of their love. I do know that this chick could talk the ear off a donkey, and that STBXH likes to sit quietly and read, whenever he is not manic---in which case, he likes to talk about how clever he is, and what a wonderful guitar player, and how many chicks he's scored. So, when I envision an evening spent by these two crooked souls, together, along with the cat and the parakeet and the gerbil, all squawking away, I have to say...karma seems real. I wouldn't quit believing in it, if I were you.
I'm trying to think of my partner and the OP talking,because I don't think they have much to talk about. However, I don't think they're doing much talking...therein lies the problem...
An aquaintance forwarded me my partner's response to "how's it going?" (I've changed the names to protect the not-so-innocent):
"I left about 2 weeks ago. I have been seeing OP) pretty much since the day it happened. Tara is aware if the fact that I am involved, needless to say, things are a bit awkward right now. I have to say that she is being pretty good about it but there are stories going around that are not true and that make (OP) and I look like monsters. I moved out immediately and am living with a friend right now for 6 months. I am happy. Broke but happy. I realize that once you are happy everything else just falls into place. I miss the dogs and the cats."
While I did not need to see that, I have now. Is this par for the course? Saying how bloody happy she is to be rid of me? "Everything else falls into place"? She is on the fast track to bankruptcy and has lost the respect of everyone she knows! As for the supposed stories going around--all anyone knows is what the OP and my partner have said. People are drawing their own conclusions because they have my partner's number and know what's going on.
She walked out of our house and into the OP's--what happened to the independence she so craved? I hope this crashes and burns in a hurry. Can the OP be this stupid to be involved with someone who had just minutes before been holding me? In spite of her friends telling her to run in the opposite direction? I obviosly can't count on my partner to have any sense, but the OP is a (now)former friend of mine who seemed to have a good head on her shoulders, in spite of the fact that she's so much younger. It's one thing to be involved with someone, and over the course of the relationship endure financial hardship. But to get involved with someone who is so heavy into debt, knowing that she has a history of financial dependence and that she's swinging from one lifeline to the next? GAL, GAL, GAL, I know... I'm still doing that. But does anyone want to wager on how long they'll last, just for kicks?
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
Yeah it par for the course. Here's the truth from Luke 17:33, "Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it" In otherwords, when you pursue something you loose it including happiness. If we pursue our spouses we loose them. Likewise when they seek happiness at the expense of everything else they loose both happiness and everything else.
For kicks, affairs typically are 6-18mos. But that's a statistic your mileage may vary.
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
