September 17th (our 13th anniversary) Our Anniversary. Cuddled with W after my shower in the morniing (found out this evening how uncomfortable this made her)
On the way home from work, pick up roses and a Chocolate Decadence slice of cake. When I get home, I give the roses to W. She wasn’t expecting anything and hasn’t gotten anything for me. This seems to make her uncomfortable. Have dinner. After dinner, I ask W to wait @ the table for a few minutes. Go and get the cake to share. Tell her that I got the cake after thinking about my comment to her last night. Said that we could both have our cake tonight. Started talking about us. Asked her why she had taken off her engagement ring. She said that she wasn’t comfortable with it yet. I ask her about her wedding band and mentioned that I was hoping that she would put it back on tonight. She said that she would be okay with that (hesitantly). She said that we weren’t in the same place. That she wasn’t ready to work on it like I was. I asked her if this meant that she was still emotionally attached to OG. She again brings up that the other relationship isn’t the issue. It is the underlying issues with our relationship. I tell her that I agree, but that I feel her emotional ties with OG are preventing her from putting in the effort to work on us. Ask her if she has spoken to him since the day she told him they should stop speaking. She said no. After a few minutes, she said that she did call him to see how he was doing. He’s back home and sleeping in his kid’s room. W asks if I would mind just her going to the counselor on Wednesday so that she could start sorting out some of her feelings. I talk about the need to start taking little steps forward to fix our R. Talk about some of what I have read and some of what the C said. That by beginning to do some of the little things, you can start working on getting some of the feelings back. Some things might not feel completely comfortable to start with, but in time it will start to feel more natural. I mention that we should set goals and identify little milestones that we could achieve so that we can start seeing progress.
Get ready for bed. In bed, I bring up W's rings. Pull out the wedding band. Tell her that I would love to see it back on her finger, but would rather she be the one to put it willingly back on. She says she appreciates that. I put the rings away in her drawer. She asks me why it is that I am still with her after all the things that have happened and that she has told me. I tell her that I made a commitment to her, that I want to keep the family together, that I want the kids to have to parents in the same house, that I know we can be happy again and that I love her. She again goes back to her thoughts that she should be feeling more for me. That the feelings for me haven’t been there for a long time. We talk for a while about this. I have an article called 'Seven Weeks to Sexual Heavan' that I had asked her to read. Thought that it might be a good way to start moving things forward. She is uncomfortable with it. Like she can’t even imagine doing these intimate and sexual things with me. It hurts. She says she’s not ready for this yet. We talk about some of the things that have happened in the past two weeks and some of the things that she said that I found very positive. I mentioned when she said how she would get upset when she would walk past me to go somewhere and not hug or kiss me and how this gave her an empty feeling. She said that she wasn’t sure if she was saying these things about me or just about her desires for a husband in general.
