Bear with me for a series of posts to catch up on the last week. I'll start with last Wednesday after the JC session. If you read my previous threads, you'll see that the session was a bit rough.
Woke up Wednesday (9/12) before the alarm and going to leave without saying goodbye. On the way out, was looking for something in W's car and noticed she had bought the bed linens that she had talked about. Made me very confused, so I went back upstairs to talk to her. Told her that I had seen them in the car. She asked why I had gotten up so early. Told her that last night had bothered me. She says she’s trying to figure out if she should follow her heart or mind and that both have conflicting messages. I tell her that it seems that we are both having the same emotional roller coaster but for different reasons. For me, she gives me hope that things will work out and then dashes that by turning around her actions. In her case, she see the hope for the future and wants to work on things, but then gets scared / confused and pulls back. We talk about In Love compared to Lust and Love. I wish she would read the books.
I snooped again. Saw some text messages to her friend on Monday. She asked how things were going. W replied that it was good that she wasn’t in work as she had been crying all day. Then W texted something about never having felt so heartbroken.
I believe she told OG that morning that they shouldn't talk anymore.
Emailed W in the morning about an event and mentioning that I wanted to do dinner at home for our anniversary (9/17). Never got a reply from her. After the session last night, this made me very uncomfortable.
Got home and brought S to karate. Text message from W that she is just leaving work (now 6PM). I wondered why she was leaving so late.
Get home and MIL calls. I talk to her for about ten minutes. She’s wondering how things are and hasn’t spoken to W since Sunday. Tell her that the counseling didn’t go well. She asks if I still want to work things out to which I say yes. We talk a bit about counseling. She suggested a counselor to W that comes highly recommended. W comes home and talks to her M for awhile. After she gets off the phone, I ask her what she wants from pizza joint. As we are standing on the porch talking, she is standing very close to me. Closer than she needs to be. S and I go to pick up some pizza.
After dinner, W asks if I was wondering why she had left work so late. Told I had wondered, but had actually forgotten. She tells me that she had found my thread on the DB site and that she had been reading a lot of it. She had gotten to the point where we were in OBX. She starts telling me that she knows where she should be, but it is a difficult decision. She wants to be with the kids and with me. Tells me that she is happy that I fought so hard and was so patient, but also that it made her angry at times. She wanted me to sometimes just let go or tell her to go so that the decision to leave would be easier for her. She questions if she will be able to get the ‘In Love’ feelings back, but wants to try for us and for the kids. I mention to her something that the counselor had said about doing things that might not feel natural or awkward, but doing these things will lead to the feelings. We talk a bit about the session. I tell her that I thought some of the questions the counselor asked were inappropriate for a joint session. That I knew deep down the answer that W gave, but I wasn’t ready to hear them from Cindi. Cindi agreed, but also mentioned that she was happy that she was able to express these feelings / thoughts at this point. She couldn’t have said it in front of me unless another person was asking the questions. Talks about how she would get angry with me when I would say that I was partially responsible for the way she was feeling. She didn’t want me to have any responsibility for that. I guess if she admitted to that, then there would be something that I could change to help fix things. She tells me that she needs some time to sort through her feelings about OG. Not time away, but just some time without me pressuring for changes / results.
After getting ready for bed, I ask W what her expectations are for physical touch in this period of giving space. She says that cuddling in bed is a good start. I ask her about a massage with no strings attached. That would be a good start also.
September 13th On my way out in the morning, I say goodbye to W in the bathroom. She initiates a kiss.
Some texts and emails from her throughout the day. W have some errands to run for wedding on weekend so W suggests we meet at mall for dinner. I pick up the kids and meet her at the mall. Nice time. When W gets home and she listens to a voice mail on the phone. It is a guy from a bank. She tells me she had looked into the possibility of refinancing the house and now has mortgage brokers calling her all the time. After getting for bed I initiate a snuggle. Seems okay.
September 14th In morning on the way out, W again initiates a goodbye kiss.
We go to a wedding rehearsal and dinner that night. Nice dinner. Talked to W's sister. She told me that W apologized and thanked her for being there for me. This surprised me that it came so soon.
Went out to a bar afterwards. Things felt comfortable with W. Some casual touching talking. W and I danced some, but she really didn’t seem that into it. Need to change my expectations.
Outstanding overall, interesting enough one of the big hurdles in our recovery has been my W. does not have that "feeling" for me. Let me just say since I was on the other side earlier this year. You can get the feeling back, but you have to "want" it. I mean want it. If she does that, she can get it back.
I recommend alcohol at the house as a substitute to help get that "feeling" back. Romantic stuff also! I am confident it will get better for you guys just keep it up! Glad to see some good news.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
September 15th Off to BIL's wedding. I brought S to restaurant for pictures. W showed up later from hotel. Hardly said hi. Walked past and got involved with other things. Ceremony went quickly. Felt very much like an outsider for half of the night. During pictures of our family, W had her hand on my leg, but in a fist and not really touching me. I told her she could touch my leg. She seemed to get a bit angry at this and said she was trying to not make it obvious that she wasn’t wearing her ring.
After dinner when the slow songs started playing, I asked W if she wanted to dance. She did. She cried on my shoulder the whole time. Happy crying I think. We danced pretty much the rest of the night. Everything seemed great. W's sister told me at one point that W had thought I was going to give her wedding band back that evening. I told SIL that I had been planning on putting her engagement ring back on her finger. She was thrilled. Towards the end of the night, during a slow song, I did get a chance to put the ring out back on W's finger. She did seem happy that I did this and after dancing she went to show it to her family. Everyone (including W) seemed very happy.
After the wedding, we all took the shuttle back to the hotel. We were supposed to keep partying there, but after getting the kids in bed, W was too tired and didn’t want to go. She told me to go have fun with everyone from the wedding. I went down to the bar and then back to the one of the rooms. Had a few more drinks and then headed back to our room. W asleep.
September 16th Normal day. Doing stuff around the house and yard. W seemed a bit distant all day. Got the kids in bed, made guacamole and watched TV. I tried doing a romantic gesture. Put on our wedding song during and asked W to dance in the candlelight. She was very hesitant and seemed uncomfortable with the dancing. Think that was a mistake. Talked a bit. She’s not ready. Talked in bed a little bit. Talked about the frustration I was having. Told her that when I looked at her and felt the desire I do, I felt like I was looking in the bakery store window at a delicious cake that I couldn’t have.
September 17th (our 13th anniversary) Our Anniversary. Cuddled with W after my shower in the morniing (found out this evening how uncomfortable this made her)
On the way home from work, pick up roses and a Chocolate Decadence slice of cake. When I get home, I give the roses to W. She wasn’t expecting anything and hasn’t gotten anything for me. This seems to make her uncomfortable. Have dinner. After dinner, I ask W to wait @ the table for a few minutes. Go and get the cake to share. Tell her that I got the cake after thinking about my comment to her last night. Said that we could both have our cake tonight. Started talking about us. Asked her why she had taken off her engagement ring. She said that she wasn’t comfortable with it yet. I ask her about her wedding band and mentioned that I was hoping that she would put it back on tonight. She said that she would be okay with that (hesitantly). She said that we weren’t in the same place. That she wasn’t ready to work on it like I was. I asked her if this meant that she was still emotionally attached to OG. She again brings up that the other relationship isn’t the issue. It is the underlying issues with our relationship. I tell her that I agree, but that I feel her emotional ties with OG are preventing her from putting in the effort to work on us. Ask her if she has spoken to him since the day she told him they should stop speaking. She said no. After a few minutes, she said that she did call him to see how he was doing. He’s back home and sleeping in his kid’s room. W asks if I would mind just her going to the counselor on Wednesday so that she could start sorting out some of her feelings. I talk about the need to start taking little steps forward to fix our R. Talk about some of what I have read and some of what the C said. That by beginning to do some of the little things, you can start working on getting some of the feelings back. Some things might not feel completely comfortable to start with, but in time it will start to feel more natural. I mention that we should set goals and identify little milestones that we could achieve so that we can start seeing progress.
Get ready for bed. In bed, I bring up W's rings. Pull out the wedding band. Tell her that I would love to see it back on her finger, but would rather she be the one to put it willingly back on. She says she appreciates that. I put the rings away in her drawer. She asks me why it is that I am still with her after all the things that have happened and that she has told me. I tell her that I made a commitment to her, that I want to keep the family together, that I want the kids to have to parents in the same house, that I know we can be happy again and that I love her. She again goes back to her thoughts that she should be feeling more for me. That the feelings for me haven’t been there for a long time. We talk for a while about this. I have an article called 'Seven Weeks to Sexual Heavan' that I had asked her to read. Thought that it might be a good way to start moving things forward. She is uncomfortable with it. Like she can’t even imagine doing these intimate and sexual things with me. It hurts. She says she’s not ready for this yet. We talk about some of the things that have happened in the past two weeks and some of the things that she said that I found very positive. I mentioned when she said how she would get upset when she would walk past me to go somewhere and not hug or kiss me and how this gave her an empty feeling. She said that she wasn’t sure if she was saying these things about me or just about her desires for a husband in general.
If there is one thing you do, please,please make sure you stick to the retro weekend, it will have a big impact on your relationship! There has been a lot of waffleing in my marriage, especially by my H...he returned to the ow and said he wanted to leave. I truly believe this was because of the guilt, and feeling he didn't deserve any better then her. The retro weekend will help her to get past that, to excep and move on to something that has such promise to be wonderful! I am only a couple of days post weekend, but in my heart and sould I believe that we are going to be ok, more then I ever have in the last year!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
