I dont know if I am enabling this by continuing sex and threfore he get it from two fo us & why should he return..OR if its good I keep this connection so he will return and feel close?
I think this is a very fair question (and an important one) to be kicking around. If you want my two cents (and I'm not sure you do!), I think that it would be a healthier choice to refrain from sex until he is 110% recommitted to you and the M. Yes it sucks (for both of you), and yes it is a risky choice in terms of working things out, but if H can't respect this decision and it is a deal breaker for him, then I don't think he deserves getting you back (or getting intimacy from you). At this point, I feel like he is simply using you for sex -- he doesn't ever just ask to hang out, go to dinner, a movie, etc, does he? He is jealous of the possibility of you getting it from another man, and I'm sure this is playing a huge role in his current sexual advancements too (he wants assurance that you still want it from him too -- alpha male thing, but also an insecurity thing).
Okay, that being said, I'd like to hear the opinions of much more seasoned DBers, as well as other DBers on the whole (and it would be ideal if they had background knowledge of your sitch). I know you likely can't afford it, but if you could talk to a DB coach about the dynamics of your past and current R/M with H, and then ask this question to them, I think it would benefit you a bunch.
This is a question I have been kicking around in my head for a while now and here lately I cant seem to stop thinking about it and its giving me a real headache.
The only few times he has gone to the movies w/ ALL of us is when his GF has been out of town. There was a while there when he was hanging out at our house more than expected. He hangs out on his regular days of visitation. When before he would avoid me like the plague and instead would take the girls out to dinner or something on his days of visitation. I always know when she is away for he comes by unannounced on the weekends to hang out.
I wonder if what he said to me lately (complains of how miserable he is) is alie or what. He does seem very sad as of late.
Do this, ask H if he wants to accompany you for a dinner date. Take the kids to grandma and go tear up the town, but ask to get a feel if H is serious.
See the W, Listen to the W, but dont Speak back to the W. Bridle your tongue...
This is really sad but I wouldn't care if H was using me for sex!
We have barely had any in 3 years. When he announced last week that he was going to start dating I really chuckled because boy is the new woman going to be in for a shock...then again a good friend mentioned maybe its not women he will be dating...
I have to admit the idea of actually getting some for myself has been very entertaining but I feel that would ruin any chance of reconcillation I might have with H down the road. He is a jealous controlling creep and this would certainly paint me with a scarlet letter in his mind.
Anyway, you are an adult and as long as you are okay with the fact that it is what it is, then I don't thing there is anything wrong with you having relations with your husband...who hasn't had the "sex with an ex". Quite common. But I wouldn't put any eggs in that basket while he is still seeing the GF/OW. Just shows that if he will cheat on you, he will cheat on her and this seems to be a pattern. Has he had any IC? (sorry if this was mentioned before). Not that people don't change just he seems to be caught up in this particular pattern. Just don't get hurt in the process.
PS: Please be careful...who knows where this OW has been when she isn't with your H...eeewww. Sorry just had to throw that out there.
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
Sex, sex, sex. Chicki, if u say its been a while again, all us guys on a dry spell are going to hunt u down! JK!
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Well, if I have this serious talk w/ H like I want to regarding our sex only R, I will be risking NO sex at all! I think that is a risk I will have to take.
I want to tell him that I need more than just sex and I need him to commit 100% to me and our M. I dont think H has ever been the first to break it off with anyone. Just like in this A, I had to be the one to push him out of the house and go live w/ OW.
I dont know about you guys but thinking about the upcoming holidays kinda gets me sad. No Santa Clause to walk up to on Xmas day. I need to get out of this funk.
Chicki you are my hero! I love strong girls that aren't afraid to go after what they want. I know it will be tough giving up the lovin' but you might feel better about it if H finally removes his head from his rear and comes home for the right reasons and works on your M.
Like CVA, stop making us jealous with all this sex talk!
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
Thank you waw, but dont call me that until I actually do it!! I am gathering all my strength and courage.
You know I never actaully "felt" used after we have sex. If anything, this last time I felt like why did I give in even though I wasnt in the mood at the time.I hould of given him "the speech", but he did get me of guard and I wanst expecting him to iniate.
IMO I thought the last time kinda sucked anyways.I feel like Ive lost the "sychrinizing" way we use to move while having sex?? Do you understand? Now, or at least the last couple of times I felt like it took more hard work for me to get it "right".
Chicki, its been years...I barely remember what its like!
I do know what you are saying. I can remember something like that from back in the day. Even when H would occasionally throw me a bone it didn't feel right. Sort of like he wasn't into it?
Thats before the none at all kicked in. Now that H said he is going out and dating again I am almost tempted to do the same...there is only some many times I can watch the Transporter or Snatch...the damn disc skips...H can't figure out why
PS: Huge Jason Statham fan so that makes sense
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
