Bear with me for a series of posts to catch up on the last week. I'll start with last Wednesday after the JC session. If you read my previous threads, you'll see that the session was a bit rough.
Woke up Wednesday (9/12) before the alarm and going to leave without saying goodbye. On the way out, was looking for something in W's car and noticed she had bought the bed linens that she had talked about. Made me very confused, so I went back upstairs to talk to her. Told her that I had seen them in the car. She asked why I had gotten up so early. Told her that last night had bothered me. She says she’s trying to figure out if she should follow her heart or mind and that both have conflicting messages. I tell her that it seems that we are both having the same emotional roller coaster but for different reasons. For me, she gives me hope that things will work out and then dashes that by turning around her actions. In her case, she see the hope for the future and wants to work on things, but then gets scared / confused and pulls back. We talk about In Love compared to Lust and Love. I wish she would read the books.
I snooped again. Saw some text messages to her friend on Monday. She asked how things were going. W replied that it was good that she wasn’t in work as she had been crying all day. Then W texted something about never having felt so heartbroken.
I believe she told OG that morning that they shouldn't talk anymore.
Emailed W in the morning about an event and mentioning that I wanted to do dinner at home for our anniversary (9/17). Never got a reply from her. After the session last night, this made me very uncomfortable.
Got home and brought S to karate. Text message from W that she is just leaving work (now 6PM). I wondered why she was leaving so late.
Get home and MIL calls. I talk to her for about ten minutes. She’s wondering how things are and hasn’t spoken to W since Sunday. Tell her that the counseling didn’t go well. She asks if I still want to work things out to which I say yes. We talk a bit about counseling. She suggested a counselor to W that comes highly recommended. W comes home and talks to her M for awhile. After she gets off the phone, I ask her what she wants from pizza joint. As we are standing on the porch talking, she is standing very close to me. Closer than she needs to be. S and I go to pick up some pizza.
After dinner, W asks if I was wondering why she had left work so late. Told I had wondered, but had actually forgotten. She tells me that she had found my thread on the DB site and that she had been reading a lot of it. She had gotten to the point where we were in OBX. She starts telling me that she knows where she should be, but it is a difficult decision. She wants to be with the kids and with me. Tells me that she is happy that I fought so hard and was so patient, but also that it made her angry at times. She wanted me to sometimes just let go or tell her to go so that the decision to leave would be easier for her. She questions if she will be able to get the ‘In Love’ feelings back, but wants to try for us and for the kids. I mention to her something that the counselor had said about doing things that might not feel natural or awkward, but doing these things will lead to the feelings. We talk a bit about the session. I tell her that I thought some of the questions the counselor asked were inappropriate for a joint session. That I knew deep down the answer that W gave, but I wasn’t ready to hear them from Cindi. Cindi agreed, but also mentioned that she was happy that she was able to express these feelings / thoughts at this point. She couldn’t have said it in front of me unless another person was asking the questions. Talks about how she would get angry with me when I would say that I was partially responsible for the way she was feeling. She didn’t want me to have any responsibility for that. I guess if she admitted to that, then there would be something that I could change to help fix things. She tells me that she needs some time to sort through her feelings about OG. Not time away, but just some time without me pressuring for changes / results.
After getting ready for bed, I ask W what her expectations are for physical touch in this period of giving space. She says that cuddling in bed is a good start. I ask her about a massage with no strings attached. That would be a good start also.
