Always ends with me saying something like, "we've *at least* got to be able to *talk* about it...".
Well since it always ends that way, obviously its not a working solution. She does NOT have to be able to talk about it. She can choose to not talk about it. She does choose to not talk about it. So. Where does that leave you? You can't make her.... anything. You *shouldn't* let her put that burden on you. You can only choose what is acceptable to you.
Do you really want her words, or do you want her actions? Personally, most of the time, I am thinking 'close you mouth and show me.'
Well I'm certainly NOT allowed to initiate it right now, so who the hell else is going to do it? The postman? The elderly couple next door? Our cat?
Does the postman always ring twice? LOL. I'm not laughing at your frustration. But I am glad you are funny when you are frustrated.
How are you NOT allowed to initiate? NoOne prevents me from initiating. They can turn me down, they can ignore me, they can play hard to get, they can defer, they can laugh at me, they can try to ridicule me, they can try to preemptively block (which just means they are already thinking/fantasizing/planning about it), but NoOne can stop you from initiating.
I don't understand what you mean you are not allowed to initiate. Is she going to leave if you initiate. Fine. Is she going to file if you initiate? Fine. At least you will know, she doesn't want a R with you. I do understand anger/hurt from rejection.
No, I didn't say anything because I'd only have a gotten a blank response. What is a blank response? Ignoring you? Do you normally go away when she ignores you? Animal trainers call that LRS. Are you well trained?
Yep. And no deal. What do you mean no deal? boundaries are not subject to deals. What are your boundaries? In your letter did you just put out a list of wants, or did you state boundaries. x cheated on me. x wanted a divorce. we were separated. I didn't want the M to end, yet I REQUIRED, no ifs, ands or buts, her agreeing to counseling, prior to her moving back in with me. Seems slightly counter productive. It's not.
Got delayed. My mistake. It was my boundary, unenforced for 4 months. Not much of a boundary eh?
Some things to think about. Why do you think if the R doesn't work out YOU have to leave, and/or go live with you parents? Right now it seems as if you think the only way to implement a boundary is to leave. Its not. You have other options. Your abrogating yourself. I don't know much, but I know enough about UK divorce law to know that. Its still coming back to you valuing yourself. That is really where you can focus the majority of your attention and energies. Do what it takes to improve your self worth. Not your entitlement. They are different.
It's nothing at all to do with me, and she also denies ordering it. However, I have caught her flicking through it a couple times and when she sees that I've noticed her, or when I playfully ask her if she's seen anything in there that she's like, she'll feign disgust at some of the stuff in there and put the catalogue away. Like she's putting on some kind of 'innocent/prude' act for me to see.
Yeah. Some serious contradictions going on there. You ever wonder why women pretend to be innocent, heck they even tell you 'I never think about OM/cheating/wanting someone else' and then get angry when you trust them?
I wonder about it. Then I use my curiosity and check to see if its real. Actually nowadays, I just yank em right the Fcck out of their 'innocence' game. They surrender, and we are both satisfied. I'm trying to remember an example..... the first one that comes to mind was in an elevator in a casino in Palm Springs... pffffff ......with x...relevance...
[jeopardy music]
My situation with x did not turn around until I held her responsible for her actions every time she tried to pawn them off on some excuse, and also let her know without a shadow of a doubt that I saw her clearly for what she was. Who she was... same difference...Trying to remember.
Ahh. She thought I never noticed what was going on with her and OM. I saw it waaayyyy before she ever realized it. We had an argument in which she impinged on my awareness, and I lost control of my op sec. [headshake] I have a strict rule about requiring mind reading in a R. I wont do it. I tell em up front repeatedly. I'm not a woman. If its not verbally communicated its not real. (I broke my rule when I went about the reconcil.)
Her mistake, thinking I wasn't to begin with, (of all people she should have known better, who knows maybe she did...) and then accusing me of it. I recounted every instance... going back to the first one. (You could call that spanking the monkey, but it was more along the lines of hammering) Added some descriptive names that I probably didn't need to, about who was really unaware, and what their actions make them. *blush*
The look on her face when she knew she was known and understood, though. *shock* *grief* *rage* at which point bf exited stage right.--------->
There was some probably justifiable anger. And more that wasn't. Own what is yours, and not one gram more.
Things changed pretty dramatically after that.
Your W has kids, and had an affair, there is nothing 'innocent' about her. Its up to you how you want to handle the BS she shovels at you. Lovingly detached is the best way. The sooner you do it, the better chance you have at being lovingly detached. The longer you wait, the more likely you are to pop and do something self destructive.
Who do you think the act is for? What benefit does the act give to the actor?
On another note, Maybe some of the women will confirm or deny, but my general impression from my experiences and readings is that women find men who MB to be pathetic/sad/not masculine. OTOH, women whose H have affairs don't think of their H's as being pathetic and un masculine. A laundry list of other names comes to mind, but not those.
This is not encouragement to have an affair, nor is it suggesting you don't MB. Just something to think about.
I posted this link before; I think #6 applies to you. Post
At this point, there is a fine line between requiring respect and stomping your foot and hurting the OP with your entitlement.
Be a real man, not a pr!ck. (Ive already filled the position, we seem to have an excess currently)
