Vacillations of a WAW Come Home III

[RJJ]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Jethro}}}}}}}}}}

Sounds like you are going through similar things to what LL has faced since her H came home. I found the lyrics to the song you guys were talking about...it is a beautiful song (thought this even before I paid attention to the words)...

rjj

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

[jethro]

Thanks, RJJ. Oddly enough, my W loves this song and I kind of learned how to play it on my guitar.

jethro

[lisakate32]

jethro, i found it interesting that you said your level of forgiveness equals her level of effort. i feel more forgiving when my h genuinly expresses remorse. this must be pretty common. i think some of us injured parties make a decision to forgive long before the actual forgiveness takes place.

i have learned it is a process for me that began when i commited to try to forgive. many times i have doubted i would be able to forgive. today i feel like i will be able to. also i realize i can not totally forgive somethings right now. i just can't. i can forgive my h's immaturity, and self-centered behavior. i know someday i will be able to forgive his screwing 2 other women. his telling of my personal secrets and vulnerabilities to #2, i can not. maybe someday.

i think you just have to keep reminding yourself that it is early in the game for you. being betrayed by your supposed soul mate is such a gut and heart wrenching experience. it can not be gotten over, but it can be trudged through. hopefully on the other side is a stronger, healthier relationship. that's what my therapist says, anyway! lisa

[sadbuthopeful]

Hi Jethro,

I haven't read much about your sitch because I have been wrapped up in mine. I leaned of my W's infidelities just last weekand I am having a very difficult time. RJJ was kind enough to stop by my thread and give me some encouragement as well as to advize me to read your sitch.

After only a little reading, I see why RJJ wanted me to do so. It helps to know that hope remains and that it is ok for me to be where I am and feeling what I am. I am in a terrifying and very lonely place, but just knowing there are others feeling as I do brings a little peace into this storm.

[jethro]

Hey everyone. Thanks Lisa...and SBH, I paid you a visit...

So, I had a little R talk last night with W. Really, this last week has been very difficult for me. I think that I'm seeing some of the old patterns in our R and am uncomfortable. I told this to my W last night and she again promised to work on things. It's frustrating because although I see her trying a little, she never really goes outside the box. You know what I mean? I do my best to try and make her happy...always have. She typically goes through the motions, but does it out of obligation, not because she wants to make me happy. I know I've said this before, but it's annoying. Also, she hasn't been trying too hard this last week...more going through the motions. I told her I will not settle for what our R was before...that I expect certain things. In fact, I told her that I wanted a W that loves me and tells me so, that wants to be with me, and wants to make me happy. Heck, I don't want this R if it's going to be crappy. It ain't worth it... I also made that clear (but I was nice about it)...

So, I have a question that's been haunting me lately: Do you guys ever think we'll be able to feel comfortable around our Ses again? I mean, totally comfortable? Right now, and I know the pain is still fresh, I feel as though our R will be tainted forever and that I will always have to be somewhat guarded. What say you? Is it that trust issue again?

jethro

[lostlove]

So, I have a question that's been haunting me lately: Do you guys ever think we'll be able to feel comfortable around our Ses again? I mean, totally comfortable? Right now, and I know the pain is still fresh, I feel as though our R will be tainted forever and that I will always have to be somewhat guarded. What say you? Is it that trust issue again?

so often we hit the same issue at the same time.

as I drove home from the store this afternoon...I was happy singing along with the radio and being goofy with son...it reminded me of the summer and thus reminding me of h having not been here...I was relieved to know that he is now home and "trying" but I was saddened and wondered will I always be reminded of this bad "thing". I decided to not spend the rest of my day stuck in the past...thought to myself..as I yawned...will I fall asleep again tonight...or will I stay awake with h?? what will we do??? then decided to just focus on how I was going to get all the bags and the kids in the house with out too much kaos...and don't ya know as I drove up the drive way h called on my cell...

ok jethro wtf is LL rambling all this onto your thread..because you see (gee LL actl like she knows it all doesn't she?) I could have sat and became "stuck" in the past but didn't and when I decided to shove it back there (at least this time) something nice happend (h's call)

will we always remember..yes and I think we should...will it always be painful...probably not....more like a little sad...like looking back at your youth...at times you miss it but you know you're better of now. (I hope)

when you feel things falling back into the old patterns...remember that it takes two to continue that pattern...sometimes it takes one to do the work...just because w may slip back to some old ways doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to go there too.

it does get easier...it does get better...it does take work and effort.

your doing fine jethro just keep dbng.

LL

[hoping]

Hey..Jethro..sorry things are kinda down for you..but the question you pose is one that I think about all the time..and h and I are seperated and I don't even know where it is heading..but I do wonder if he chooses to come back..will it always be there..whatever "it" is. When if ever will it be the same..but then we don't want all of the old m back..so we need to be able to mix the good things from the old m with the new.
I can see why d is so much easier in some ways..yet it is not what I want.We are all working our butts off and never feel like we are getting anywhere...yet we all are and we just don't see it..the rewards are there if we can foccus on good and not bad all the time.Oh such a journey..Hang in there.
Sue

[jroepel]

Hi Guy.

Stopped by to see how you were doing and drop a note on my thread. I'm sorry, it seems that you and W are going and growing through a rough area. You have come so far from where you two were. I'm in the middle of WWIII. I equate you and wife like a lawn mower and you have just hit that place of tall grass that chokes the mower. Why is the grass tall? It's that place in the past where the dog took his dump last month and now you have to get through it. You and she will. I have been watching your progress and your both working at it very hard. Regardless of what you both want your both there and commited to solving it. If you were not it would have been gone and over after she hit the kareokie (?) bar. There is still flame between you both. You'll get there. Maybe stop analyzing so much of what you want and just love. Remember when starting a fire that ember only blooms into a flame between the breaths that you put on it. I pray for you both. Also, pray for a cease fire on my end. I'll fill my thread in later.
Mr Metafore. Jim

[RJJ]

Hi Jethro,

After H and I had been dating for about a year, he broke up with me, and started seeing someone else, like right away (or sooner?). It damn near killed me (what is with my unhealthy obsession with this man who treats me like this?). Anyway, after a while, he came back, pleading his love for me. It took some time, but time did heal things. To the point where I felt sure enough to marry him. Time does heal.

In the meantime, here are some thoughts...

So, my W and I get into bed and are just relaxing. The light is on (as I always read), but I was on my back with my eyes closed. She was just laying next to me not saying anything, but looking at me.

She also said, "We'll work through this." I responded with the affirmative. In the past when she told me she would work on things her conviction was just not there. The words would come, but again, no action. This time it's very different. The words are different, how she says the words are different, and her actions when she speaks the words are different.

So, after the movie, we decided to come back to our place and play some games. We are driving separately and as I'm pulling into our garage, OUR song comes on the radio ("Heaven" by Brian Adams). We sat in the garage for a moment, looking at each other, and had some very sweet kisses. Then my sister and BIL came up the driveway and ruined the moment. Oh...well...

We get home and put the kids to bed. We end up downstairs talking...me on the couch...she on the Lazyboy. We talk a few minutes, exchange a few smiles, then all of a sudden she says, "You're sweet." I say, "Thanks. That's nice of you to say. Why do you say that?" Her response, "Because it's true." I said thanks again. Then, she stares at me for a moment, our eyes locked, and says, "I love you."

Hang in there Jethro!

rjj xo

[jethro]

Thanks a lot you guys. I'm feeling a bit better today. Oddly enough, I tend to feel better when I'm not around my W so much. I need to try and change this...

when you feel things falling back into the old patterns...remember that it takes two to continue that pattern...sometimes it takes one to do the work...just because w may slip back to some old ways doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to go there too.

I know. Admittedly, I'm the one to slip sometimes too, so I can't put all of the blame on my W. This stuff's hard!

but then we don't want all of the old m back..so we need to be able to mix the good things from the old m with the new.

I guess I just need to find the right recipe!

I equate you and wife like a lawn mower and you have just hit that place of tall grass that chokes the mower. Why is the grass tall? It's that place in the past where the dog took his dump last month and now you have to get through it.

LOL! Long time no talk, J-Ro. I'll have to pay you a visit...

In the meantime, here are some thoughts...

Thanks...I needed that. It's just that it seemed things were moving along pretty well, but then the old patterns began to set-in. I won't tolerate it any longer. I don't have the patience (ha) for it any longer, really. I'm trying to achieve something great and I don't want to be dragged down by someone who doesn't want to make that journey with me. I will say, however, that my W has been pretty good since I told her how I felt the other night. I guess she periodically needs a little wake-up call...and I guess I have to provide that wake-up call to her as I get mine from all of you guys!

Thanks everyone...

jethro