I have a challenge fellow DB’ers. I am separated from the W at her insistence and she is an emotional and physical wreck, claiming that I am the sole cause of her distress. She needs space, has requested space, and I am figuring out that this is what is needed if I am to have any chance. It’s been 6 weeks since I moved out and she got an attorney less than a week after I moved out. Trust has evaporated. Blame spews forth at any convenient moment, revisionism rules, and I’ve figured out, a bit late, that I need to back off or bail during those bad moments. There are times, however, when she calls and wants to talk about her life, activities, and generally be the pleasant person which is her mold and why I fell in love with and married her.
My challenge is that we own a business together that is very challenging. Decisions need to be made daily, and she is not very available to get things done, yet demands she be included. Neither one of us is willing to leave the business and neither of us want to sell it. I could run it without her, but she won’t let go, back away or permit me to run it. It is the primary cause of our current setbacks, if not the cause of our stress from way back. My criticisms of her work, patronizing manner and impatience were what broke the marriage. I know she needs space, but it is difficult when she demands to be in on every decision (I work at this business, she from home), blames me for every bad business decision for the past 5 years, and generally is making up for years of “abuse” by verbally berating me at every turn. Passive aggressivity was pleasant compared to the open hostility at this juncture. It is only with me that she has ever been like this. She hates it. I need to defuse this dynamic or I am in deep doo-doo . . .
Take your time, just because she has an attorney doesn't mean anything, yet. I think my only advice is that if you haven't read DR or DB, go buy it and read it now. Give her the space she wants without argument, otherwise you lose just by speaking. I think it would be hard to run a business in this case, but seems neither of you want to change, it so work with it. Stop as you say, criticizing her work, patronizing her and learn patients. It is a tough road you are on, but you say she calls you and wants to talk, let her talk and just listen, let her get whatever it is out of her system and see where it leads.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
Wow, I don't think I've seen a sitch like yours before. I think the only thing you can do is to to be nice. Include her in all of the decisions she wants in on, don't react to any of her verbal jousting. Smile a lot, even if you don't feel like it. It'll make you feel better and, eventually, it'll get her to think about what she's doing that hasn't been very nice. Smile, smile, smile.
Business owners.. need to act businesslike. and keep "business hours".
if she was someone you did not know, other than have a "business relationship" with.. how would you handle it?
The first thing that comes to my own mind, would be to set up fixed meeting times, for "business matters", either once or twice a week. (for one hour, or shorter if all business matters have been dealt with. But you BOTH have to agree to end it early.)
That way, things may not get discussed "right away".. but at least you can have the certainty that they will be discussed.
That is a professional, business level method of handling it, i think. I'm sure there are others, too.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Thanks for the great advice fellow DB'ers . . . business-like is a great suggestion. Today was horrible. Every single email with any decision that I cc'd her on (she works from home) turned into a reprimand, berating session, blaming flame. She wanted to "talk" after work, but she had that horrid look of someone about to pour acid into a wound, so I asked if we could schedule a time, and she wouldn't do anything sooner than Saturday, and that was only to let me get a few things from the house.
Unfortunately, we have much going on at the biz. She wants to be included in every decision, which is fine except that she won't answer the phone or email when a decision needs to be made, and each decision is a time to go over the past.
She said she stopped seeing her counselor so she would have more money to spend on her attorneys (yes, 2). And she threatened to "bury" the busininess, make us sell all our assets and was so hateful, I was scared to even talk to her. Any chance she got today to go over past episodes, times she was over ruled on business decisions (from years ago - even though I started the biz and lead it for the past 15 years). It looks like it gets to the attorneys.
I'm doing everything I can from the advise that I have been given on this board and in the DB book - although I'm only up to page 152 right now - things just seem like they are moving too fast downward and I can't save this, nor find the time to finish the book!
I wish there was a way that I could create some space. If it weren't for this unhealthy business connection. I can't get room to show her that I am changing, being much more patient, respectful, not blaming. She takes it as an opportunity to dig deeper, firing personal assaults.
I can't believe in how much pain she is. Sorry does nothing except piss her off.
