I Need Help! Please!!! Sorry Really Long...

[forever21]

Hi toh...

Thanks 21 and yes I got DR this last week. I read it right away. It just confirms all that I've learned by reading on these web sights. I am really trying to work on all that it tells you to do. I just don't know if it what I am doing will work for my H.

Good. Read it again then. I still haven't read it enough times myself. Going by the book can help YOU try out what is best for YOUR sitch. You know it better than anyone else, and there is no one size fits all. You will learn to observe and find what is working and what isn't. Give things time.

I feel like I might be fooling myself into believing that my H could still love me or that he can think of 1 reason why he would ever want to R with me. I fear that I might be fooling myself thinking that this man will ever be able to say "I'm sorry, I screwed up" and come home.

Okay. Sounds to me like you are hanging on to the past. Totally normal. He likely isn't sure whether he loves you or not. So, I'd suggest you try to accept that he might not be thinking he loves you. That's okay. That can change. Feelings change. Try to be okay without his love right now... learn to live without it. Love is really an action anyway, so take this opportunity to learn to love yourself like you have never before. I know this is hard. And painful. You are going to become stronger through this though, and be so thankful for all of it.

I really don't know if I want to stay on this farm alone. But yet I really do not want to move to town. I am so confused on this issue.

What do you think you do want? Is there something besides those two options that you might prefer? Try something on for size here. There's no cost to dream. Take your time. Is there really any rush?

How do you support them lovingly while detaching from them?

You care about them, but you do not care for them. Refer to the website I posted the link for, on detaching and "letting go".

I think that I am doing this. It's just that I am naturally a home body. I don't have any single friends to hang out with. I don't want to leave the girls home all the time. And really not much to do alone around here. So I am home alot.

You can be creative with GAL. It's gonna take some effort on your part. It may take some pushing and motivating from some of us, here.... but you can find new things to do and you don't have to leave your girls home "all the time". Also, let your H be responsible some of the time. Is there anything you have wanted to do for a long time and just haven't done yet? An art class? Dancing? Book club? Volunteering? There are a lot of good ideas on this board for GALing.

Yes, it's hard at first to stop focusing on your H, or your M, or even the OW.... but it is what works. We will focus on whatever we are thinking about most. So... instead of trying to stop focusing on those things, start focusing on what you WANT to be doing... and that is... focusing on YOU. Because that is what you can control. You, you, you. What are YOUR goals?

Quote:
Your job is to make yourself so attractive, from an emotional and relationship standpoint that he eventually will stop to think about what he is doing.


I have read this but I really don't know how to go about doing this.

Here's another one of your response's to one of ngu's great points. Be patient with yourself. This stuff takes time. The information is here. You have read it, and you are starting to get it, but you aren't sold that it might work in your case. The only way you will know is by putting some things into action, and trying them out. I bet there are many things on your farm that a visitor could watch you doing first-hand and still say "I don't know how to go about doing that", but you know full well they could if they took the first step. It is just totally new to you. Baby steps.

Are there any ways that you have changed over the years that you miss about yourself? This might give you some ideas for goals for yourself.

Take care. Hugs, love, and peace. f21