Thanks Sue, LL, Lisa, Abby, Sage, and Jim.

Quoting Sue:
You have your w at home and she seems to want to work things out.
I know, Sue. But, unfortunately, the last week, I feel the operative word in your sentence here is "seems." I don't see her trying like she was only just a couple of weeks ago. Could it be the big R talk last weekend pushed her a little? Who knows...

Quoting LL:
if you did not forgive w you would not be working on the r in the fashion that you are...
I don't know. Is this true? I think I made a decision to try and forgive because I have two children I need to take care of. I'm not sure that I've forgiven yet. And unfortunately, somehow my forgiveness is tied to the level of effort she wants to put into our R. I feel more "forgiving" towards her when she's giving herself. Is this selfish? Maybe it's just the ying and yang of life, the fluidity of our Rs. Am I supposed to get past this? Problem is, I WILL NOT settle for an R that is unfulfilling. I've done this for too long.

Quoting LL:
should she have to do anymore than she is???
Yes. She needs to act like she wants to be with me, she needs to act like she loves me, she needs to not feel obligated to support my "love language," but just want to do it because it makes me happy. Basically, she needs to feel for me like I feel for her. Like I said, I will no longer settle for an unfulfilling R. I do know that this will take time, however...

Quoting LL:
there is a song...a sappy song...either mr big or ([censored] I hate when names jump away from me) more than words...I'll look it up for you if you don't know it.
You mean "More Than Words" by Extreme?

Quoting lisa:
my h is an only child and got away with a lot. i wonder if there is any research on was and their place in the family?
You know, Lisa, I've been thinking about this more and more lately. I think because my W is an only child, she was allowed freedoms and attention that I was not. She was more or less allowed to do things without having to think of anyone else except herself (such as having to compete with a sibling). She can be very self-centered, and thus, I think is part of the reason she felt justified in having an A. Why should she worry about me?

Quoting Abby:
What happens when you are stressed? Does anything in particular make it worse.
Not sure, Abby. For me, it's usually when a number of stresses are combined. Really, these things shouldn't get to me. With all I've been through the last year and a half, I think I can pretty much handle anything now.

Quoting Sage:
I also think that sometimes just being able to note that you're falling back into an old pattern is "good enough" at times -- seeing the old stuff emerge and recognizing it seems like a step in the right direction.
I think you're right, Sage. Thanks...

Quoting Jim:
I think there's a good possibility that she says those things to thank you, and show you that she knows what you're doing, and appreciates it. Am I way off the mark on this one?
Well, yeah, I think you're off the mark, Jim. It's like this...I used to be a pretty stressed and judgemental person. This caused friction with my W for obvious reasons. So, now I've really mellowed out. However, if I show stress now, my W feels she needs to let me know that I need to chill out...as though I'm not allowed to be stressed ever. I think this stems from her own fears of me going back to the old patterns...and her feeling tense when I exhibit these emotions. She's anticipating something worse than is really there because of the past. I guess I can only show her over time...and it will take time.

Thanks guys.

jethro