Hey all. Well, things have been staying at an even keel, not really moving forward, but not really moving backwards. Although, it seems my W has been a little distant with me lately...not like a WAW distance, but distant nonetheless. I still have not heard another ILY initiated by her, unless I say so first or mention that it's nice to hear it. So, I won't say it to her, as I just wonder if it's pressure.

I never told you guys about a conversation I had with her last Saturday night when we went out for dinner. I was kind of down from last weekend because of all the R talk that I didn't want to post it. In any case, we were talking about what I needed in order for me to feel like were were okay now. You guys know what I mean. There's a difference between knowing you're going in the right direction, then knowing you're there and still moving forward positively. We are not there yet. She tried to get me to tell her how I would know this and I didn't really tell her. Basically, I think she would have to tell me how much she loves me and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. That's it, but it's certainly more than I can ask right now.

This led me to ask her if she's waiting for me to tell her I forgive her. Her reply was that "I want you to tell me when you're ready." So, I just nodded and we went on to other conversation. I just don't feel comfortable with saying it yet. I need more time. I still feel very hurt by her infidelity sometimes.

Monday the old Jethro came out and acted stressed around the W. I think it's because of a mom problem I'm having right now (I know how you feel Umbrella). Later that night in bed my W said, "I don't want to see the old Jethro come back because I like the new one." She says this sometimes because I'm sure she doubts my changes are permanent. Frankly, I sometimes doubt them too. Do you guys feel the same way? In any case, I asked her if she thought they were not permanent and she said she thought they were. Then I simply asked her not to say that anymore. I KNOW what I need to do and don't need to be reminded (didn't tell that to her, though). Actually, it freaks me out when she says this...hmmm...gotta wonder why...

So, I'm a little bummed because I'm not sure if we're going back to some of the same patterns we used to have (with me being stressed the other day and my W's distance), or that it's just me thinking this, and that they're are bumps along the way and it's no big deal in the long run. I don't really feel stressed right now or anything...used to big time. I don't know. It's my D's 5th b-day today, the entire clan is sick at home, and I need a big PMA boost.

jethro