I might be wrong, but I don't think most people in affairs were originally seeking one. From what I've read, statistically most people don't approve of them. I think first a connection occurs and those involved convince themselves it's just innocent friendship, but then in time the boundries blur and are crossed.
On the other hand, I think spouses who cheat are responsible for allowing that line to be crossed. They aren't forced to go there. In the past, I have been "pursued" at work and even found it flattering. But if I felt any attraction on either side I made sure I was never alone with the person, ignored or joked away the flirting and would avoid social situations that had even a remote chance of leading to crossed boundries. That was a decision.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
