What is wrong with dating/fcking while you look for The One? You already know what you are looking for in a man; uh huh, I saw your list... kind of like Santa Claus. And if you don't date a bit, how are you going to find out if he meets any of the criteria?
And if for some reason you think the person might have the qualities on Your List... then you are going to have to show a bit of discipline (which you get from your Swan, btw. Cows don't give a sh!t one way or the other), and NOT have hot monkey sex before you make your initial assessment. It can usually be done within 5 dates.
... But you ARE a guy with a problem. And that problem needs to be solved.
So if you keep looking at yourself as someone who is NOT a programmer, rather than a guy with a problem to be solved, you are, and will remain at the mercy of others. Kind of sounds like a victim, doesn't it?
uh...as much as when I'm a "victim" of tooth decay, I'm at the mercy of the dentist. so what's your point?
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They're willing to pay me. But I'm NOT a freelancer (web site designer for hire, or even for free, for that matter) anymore. And that's when they come out of the woodwork.
Corri
ok, ya got me. why do people seek from you that which you are not {anymore}?
uh...as much as when I'm a "victim" of tooth decay, I'm at the mercy of the dentist. so what's your point?
Oh... do I have to have a point? Because if I did, that must mean I'd have a purpose, I would understand well the point I am making... and I would stay with it until I made it. Because I have a point. I have a purpose.
Otherwise, I'm just kind of babbling and confusing the hell out of everyone who cares to listen to me... just kind of saying... well, I'm NOT quiet, at least...
Just curious to know what your fear is of claiming 'Who You Are,' and then BEING that. Maybe you don't know, and that's okay... but for the people in your life... especially ones you profess to love, it helps quite a bit for you to at least say... "I don't know."
And maybe you ARE in fact... this very confused man who says to the world, "I AM Who I SAY I am NOT, in any given moment." And then that would help, too... cuz then I know not to believe you, and I don't waste my time with guessing games. We all move on with life.
Ah. But... you sure do get a lot of ATTENTION when you are at the mercy of others, huh? Or at least when you can CONVINCE the world you are at its mercy... {nod}.
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as much as when I'm a "victim" of tooth decay, I'm at the mercy of the dentist.
I don't see how you are at his mercy. You and he are solving your tooth problem.
And if that is what you and your co-workers are doing right now... solving this problem TOGETHER, it would help a great deal if you just said that. The way you laid it out the other day made it sound like the whole thing was YOUR issue to solve. And we all know, you are NOT a programmer. Hm. Yeah. But Cac, hey... what if you were a Network Engineer AND a problem solver? Then all of a sudden, the phrase, "I'm NOT a programmer," is irrelevant... and not even worth stating.
ok, ya got me. why do people seek from you that which you are not {anymore}?
Because. Duh. I have yet to state what I AM now. All I have said is What I AM NOT... because I'm not quite sure what it is I AM now... and I'm not quite ready to let go of What I Was.
It's like I'm straddling a fence... trying to BE both sides of it, enjoy both sides of it... and ignore the fact that the fence is digging me in the azz.
By saying "I'm NOT this or that..." I'm trying to leave my options open. In so doing, all it will do, if I choose to stay on the fence, is make me confused, scatter my energy... and keep me from whole-heartedly pursuing what, to me, I AM now.
What is wrong with dating/fcking while you look for The One?
Well, according to the book there is nothing wrong with dating around but if you f*ck a guy you don't really like or you're not sure if you like the chemicals might make you start thinking that you do like him, thus the title of the book. So, unless you can f*ck like a man without any emotional connection you might want to think twice. For instance, I can't be like BF because when men cuddle with me I have to cuddle back and thereby risk seriously high levels of oxytocin. Okay, that doesn't sound very differentiated so let me rephrase. When men cuddle with me I will pretty much always choose to cuddle back because otherwise I will feel like I am sending some cold *ss karma out into the universe. So I guess my value system states "I will not have sex with men with whom I am unwilling to cuddle."
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And if for some reason you think the person might have the qualities on Your List... then you are going to have to show a bit of discipline (which you get from your Swan, btw. Cows don't give a sh!t one way or the other), and NOT have hot monkey sex before you make your initial assessment. It can usually be done within 5 dates.
Actually, many of my dating guides have indicated that the more mature male will generally not try to initiate sex until after a few dates because they've been around the block themselves a few times and understand the downside of the whole chemical thing too. I am quite certain that I can avoid initiating sex now that I am no longer in need of validation. Actually, I do have a certain level of reserve. For instance, I can't even think of a time when I touched a boy/man for the first time before he touched me and I pretty much don't ever let men to whom I'm not attracted get near me. I'm generally just HIGHLY sexually responsive and VERY easily aroused. It's funny because I was sort of whining to my sister along the lines of "How am I going to find another guy who will make me orgasm 8x?" and she pointed out to me that I'm the one who orgasmed 8x so it shouldn't be that hard.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
What I hear you saying is... "I'd like to give into my impulses, and blame it on something else..." instead of you OWNING the fact that you are a sexual woman... but a sexual woman with criteria. And I don't know that you've ever really looked at it that way before, because the man you were married to... required no criteria. kwis?
This whole criteria thing is new to you... you have not had to have a criteria for the last 19 years of your life. Sorry, honey, I don't like it either, but... discipline is the staple of life.
Discipline is to accept full responsibility for your own zoo... even when/if you make mistakes. Like... thinking you had a cow, when really you had a swan.
And when you DO make mistakes... you own them, you feel bad... you flog yourself... but then you forgive yourself... get up, wipe your azz off... and try again.
That sounds simple. It does take a bit of time, however.
When men cuddle with me I will pretty much always choose to cuddle back because otherwise I will feel like I am sending some cold *ss karma out into the universe. So I guess my value system states "I will not have sex with men with whom I am unwilling to cuddle."
That sounds like an eminently sensible rule. How do you like cuddling on the way to the main event? If you really like it, you can just say that you'll cuddle before you have sex, and automatically filter out the guys with whom you don't want to cuddle.
Now how soon do you know whether you'd like to cuddle him? Do you think that is a more reliable indicator for you than your desire to have sex?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
