Do wonders never cease?...

[theoden]

And have you decided what to do about the secret keeping side of things?

Not sure.

I have several friends who are pressing me to tell OM's wife, his church and his seminary to shut down any possibility of him geting into position as pastor and doing this to other people.

--Theoden

[saffie]

I find it so hard to believe that he is still pursuing that path considering what he is doing. However Theo that really is not your resposibility. Your responsibility is to you and your family.

I know as a person you put others often before yourself but I think in this situation you have to put yourself and your family first. If it will bring your wife up short if you expose the situation, and that would probably work to your advantage, then go for it; but don't do it for others. It really is time to put yourself and your family first. Once you are healed you will be able to go on and help others more effectively.

Saffie

[mcojh]

Saffie-

In a way I disagree with you. Does Theo and for that matter all of us have a reponsibility to disclose what this type of guy is doing? He is trying to be a Pastor. That is a responsibility of huge proportion. Does he deserve this position? He will be in the position to counsel married couples.

He shouldn't be allowed in the pulpit. But the hard thing is, how will it impact the current sitch Theo is in.......

[theoden]

Guys,

Thanks...that's the crux.

Will it help or hurt?

Dunno.

As it stands, my wife is still speaking to him, though it seems the relationship is waning.

She wants a separation 12-18 months down the line.

Truthfully, if we could afford two households now -- I'd file for D and expose the guy.

With this 12-18 months wierdness....I dont know.

[saffie]

mc

Perhaps it is those people who are putting pressure on Theo to expose this guy who should expose him. At the moment I think Theo needs to look after his family first. Eventually this other guys true attitude will come out but should Theo risk his marriage for that when it will resolve itself sooner or later anyway?

Lets face it there are many men who live within the religious community and do many worse things - look at how the Catholic church protect and cover up after their priests who abuse children.

The truth about this guy will come out one way or another, why should Theo be pressurised into doing it when it may be the death nell on his marriage?

Saffie

[theoden]

Saffie,

Well the death-knell is 12-18 months away.

I think the others are pressuring me, not for the marriage's sake, but for the church's sake (the greater good).

Of course, perhaps, having the OW's wife know and his spiritual community know, he may come to his senses and back off.

That's why I call this the nuclear option.

--Theoden

[saffie]

I understand that it is for the church's sake but it kind of puts you and your marriage in the position of the sacrificial lamb.

Only you know whether thats the right thing to do. The guy can't really believe what he preaches if he can carry on like this.

Saffie

[runningoutoftime]

I personally don't know how some of you can hold all these secrets in. The moment I knew about my H's affair was the moment I started calling everyone on the planet to tell them about it (His mom, sisters, my family, friends, co-workers, yada yada...).

Hey LO, ask your husband what he thinks about having an "open marriage." And when you discuss this with him talk about it as if you think it might be the answer to all your problems. He doesn't need to feel guilty or bad about maintaining contact with OW, and you don't need to be upset about him keeping contact with her since you both have this "agreement".. of course, he can't be upset about you talking with any other men ... It's the perfect answer!

I mentioned this to my H in the early weeks of reconciliation and he was not too pleased with the idea. Funny how they can dish this stuff out, but they can't take it.

[lester]

Running, I so agree that they can dish it but not take it. I’m usually not bold enough for something like that but I’m getting closer and may actually use that. I like it… Another poster (forget who) told MIL that he’d be okay there was some young hot thing that was interested in him. I talked to my MIL recently (I think I’m going to stop -- she seems real preachy/emotional over it) she keeps going on about how bad this situation is and “what is she thinking?” and is telling her whole family. Wife told MIL btw not me I only talked to her like this weekend. It’s weird it seems my mom, her mom and her friends are harder on her than I am. To be honest, when she’s saying that I “will find someone easily”… I should be like damn straight and the next one will be able to cook

[Originally I wrote I "will find someone easy" sorry for the typo or freudian slip]

Humor's good... I mean we can't fix them might as well laugh. Reminds me of one of her "confessions". She told me she went out golfing with him (of course lied about who she was with originally) and she just had to tell them how upset she was over how harsh her friend was being because of her cheating and then they kissed. I was said, "so it went like this? ohh [betty] is really getting on my nerves {smooch} {smooch}" made the faces and sounds too. She said, "Are you making fun of me?" I said, just repeating what you said... but yeah. It's actually kind of amusing some of the stupid things she says and does. Humor helps

[runningoutoftime]

I seriously would never want an open marriage, and I never seriously wanted to date others or try some alternative type of marriage (too much drama), but just getting my husband's thoughts on the idea, creating a mirror situation with me doing the same things, and questioning the whole concept was interesting. Also, since my husband had always seen me as "the mom," or the one holding the fabric of the marriage together, the fixer, the "stable one".... it was kind of neat for me to let go and take on a different role. By questioning things and acting differently (mysterious) I got to "try out" or act like the "more wild" one (without actually being "wild" or doing these things).... Just talking about them positively and presenting them as possible answers ("Hey we can co-parent, but still have a life with others! How much easier!!! And we can both find happiness" Gag me!!!!) it forced him to see me and the marriage in a different light. Just the idea that I *could* do the same thing. And what that would feel like. Of course, in my situation I didn't have anything to lose so I could do this. I was soooo detached.

Lester, I'm glad to hear you are detached enough to see the humor in it. I felt the same way about some of the things my husband used to say. Sometimes just the contradictions and lack of logic (this from a scientist!), would be so funny. And the crazy accusations. I'd just shake my head (when he couldn't see me) and think, what a nut!!!!