OK, now I'm even more confused. With your H you didn't get the things NG is now giving you, and back when you were married, you would have given anything to have those things, but now that you do have them you don't want them? You seem to have a good understanding of chemical rush effects, you seem to be keeping your wants and needs in perspective, yet you can't handle the feeling of having a crush? What is it that you want? What more could you ask from a guy? What's wrong with getting turned on by seeing his artwork? I'm completely baffled by this.
NG was romantic, affectionate, honest (as far as I know), generous, fun, interesting, beyond great in bed etc. but he seemed hesitant to commit to actually forming a relationship with me so I didn't trust him enough to want to be "in love" with him. However, I should note that I don't blame him for being hesitant because my behavior was pretty sketchy from Date 1 because I started out interacting with him still in a mode just half a step above seeking sexual validation. For instance, I accidentally initiated sex with him on our first date by asking for meta-sexual-validation like a curious monkey in a lab coat making notes on a clipboard. However, I can't feel too bad about such behavior because I know I'll never repeat it because I'll never be in such an incredibly odd state of mind again. I am now quite certain that a significantly large proportion of men who would want to date me would also want to have sex with me so I shall just assume that they all do rather than vice versa and concern myself with other matters.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
