What are the voices in your head saying? What messages do you hear? What makes you think you are “unattractive, unsexy, unpassionate, bored, resentful?” Does your H say this to you, your mom, your dad?
I was really trying to get what you are implying here Cobra but I just don't see this as an issue. It's just me in this confused head of mine. I don't hear my H, or parents, saying any of these things to me. I say them to myself. I take responsibility. And regarding not feeling sexy etc, the weird part is I do naturally feel that way, feel very sexual, but I have felt the need to suppress it to protect...myself, I guess. Anyone who knows me now and knew how I was pre-bomb could tell you what I mean. My neighbor who I have become very close friends with still talks about how different I am. Before, I was totally shy, frumpy, in major mom mode. Again, probably because I was depressed and it was easier to suppress myself that face my f-ed up SL and M. Maybe I thought if I looked and acted asexual I would start to feel asexual and that would be better for the M. I wouldn't feel so bad about it all. Actually, I think a lot of woman (and men) do this in M so it's not that odd. Still, it didn't work for me. I still felt totally sexual. Masturbated quite regularly. Fantasized all the time. I was still me inside. Now, I am staying "out of my shell". I am sociable. I have more friends, interests. I dress much more sexy. Look better and feel better. The outside matches up better with how I feel inside. But not when it comes to my R with my H. That is still the one major part of my life that I feel is stuck. If I can't be sexual with my H I am screwed (no pun intended). I am just not who I AM as a person. I'm tired of not being me. I need to be 100% me. And having hot sex on a regular basis along with a strong emotional/intimate connection is what I consider important. Maybe even critical. The fact that I am even Thinking about ending my M because of this is huge. My love for the kids is the only thing that keeps me plugging away. But how long will this last? Not my love for them, but their need of me? Teen years? College? When? It's all still so far away it overwhelms me. I'm having a hard time just living day to day right now.
