I think it may because if I accept him for him and our M, that I know I'm shutting the door on another life. On having more. On having "an out."
LFL, what is the more? What is it that you think is out there that you can't have within your M?
Don't sell your H short. My XW, after she ended our M and remarried 5 weeks after the D was final, will still get angry and make remarks to me about how I am doing things now and why could I not do them in our M. She acts like I am doing this to spite her. That I can do things with the kids and fearless that I could never do with her.
I grew. I have a better understanding of what it means to be in an R. I learned alot about myself and my contributions to the end of my M. I learned this during my S and wanted to be a better man in my M but my XW had already moved on and was selfish enough not to give our M a chance for the kids. I do respect you for that. My kids are doing okay but they do hurt and I hurt seeing them put in a position that was not their choice.
I told fearless many times how much like her H I was in my M. If I can learn and grow I know you and your H can too. I know you can stay for the kids AND be happy.
I am the man who is loving my kids and will keep them from continuing this cycle of destruction.
I think that Mojo will end up with a better husband.
Or in a cozy little cottage cuddled up in a chair with a fat little dog, cup of tea and cookie on a tray nearby, writing a memoir of her mid-life sexual adventures.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
My H is still trying. But I just can't let him in. It's me. I know it is. I'm the one with bigger problems. I can't accept what he gives. Why? Why? Why?
I keep questioning whether my "happy states" are just a bunch of BS to cover up my pain. That the way I REALLY feel is unattractive, unsexy, unpassionate, bored, resentful, etc.
What are the voices in your head saying? What messages do you hear? What makes you think you are “unattractive, unsexy, unpassionate, bored, resentful?” Does your H say this to you, your mom, your dad?
Or in a cozy little cottage cuddled up in a chair with a fat little dog, cup of tea and cookie on a tray nearby, writing a memoir of her mid-life sexual adventures.
Thanks everyone for your comments. I'll try and respond separately because I really appreciate all of your feedback.
Nop:
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you have to gauge just how much of the crap is being generated by you in the "find a better mate" equation. That's a bit tricky to do.
I know. It's very tricky. The problem I keep coming back to is that I don't like myself sometimes when I am with him. I lose myself. That is not his fault. But I can't seem to get passed it. And I definitely lose myself sexually. I'm just not who I feel I am inside when I am around him. And now on top of that mountain is the fact that part of me doesn't feel good about taking him back. I know it is better for the kids but not necessarily for me.
why not give yourself permission to really evaluate everything else in your life (besides your relationship with your H). Are all your relationships with friends and family as good as you want? What about work? Anything more or less you can do there? What about hobbies and outside interests? What ARE your passions????
I really feel like I am maintaining more independence from H since our reconcilation. But not as much as I would like. I think I have reverted somewhat because I am a little depressed about taking on this whole M again. I just feel like I might regret it down the road and then I feel sh*tty for even thinking that way. I have gotten into work/hobbbies/interests but that is no substitute for what I feel is lacking. I want a passioante RELATIONSHIP, not passion in every other part of my life. Yes, it can distract me for a while but I ALWAYS come back to this issue. Always.
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Raven is an amazing man!! But (ironically?) we would have never found each other or connected the way we did if we hadn't been the Left Behind Spouses.
Maybe it was fate. Similar circumstances led to your bond but why him and why now? Sure it's lots of hard work and lots of pain to sort through,but you did find each other. So that's something good.
I think it may because if I accept him for him and our M, that I know I'm shutting the door on another life. On having more. On having "an out."
Raven:
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LFL, what is the more? What is it that you think is out there that you can't have within your M?
I don't think anything in particular is "out there". I just am tired of the "in here." And I am not blaming my H. Just like you said about you and your ExW, she questioned why it didn't work in Your M. Maybe it wasn't You or Her but the two of you together that just wasn't going to work. Each of you apart could find a better R with someone who was a better match for you. Not perfect. Just someone who could help you feel like the person you are and want to be. I'm still trying to figure out if that is possible with my H.
Or in a cozy little cottage cuddled up in a chair with a fat little dog, cup of tea and cookie on a tray nearby, writing a memoir of her mid-life sexual adventures.
Hey, if that makes you happy Mojo, more power to you. But I doubt that is your destiny.
What are the voices in your head saying? What messages do you hear? What makes you think you are “unattractive, unsexy, unpassionate, bored, resentful?” Does your H say this to you, your mom, your dad?
I was really trying to get what you are implying here Cobra but I just don't see this as an issue. It's just me in this confused head of mine. I don't hear my H, or parents, saying any of these things to me. I say them to myself. I take responsibility. And regarding not feeling sexy etc, the weird part is I do naturally feel that way, feel very sexual, but I have felt the need to suppress it to protect...myself, I guess. Anyone who knows me now and knew how I was pre-bomb could tell you what I mean. My neighbor who I have become very close friends with still talks about how different I am. Before, I was totally shy, frumpy, in major mom mode. Again, probably because I was depressed and it was easier to suppress myself that face my f-ed up SL and M. Maybe I thought if I looked and acted asexual I would start to feel asexual and that would be better for the M. I wouldn't feel so bad about it all. Actually, I think a lot of woman (and men) do this in M so it's not that odd. Still, it didn't work for me. I still felt totally sexual. Masturbated quite regularly. Fantasized all the time. I was still me inside. Now, I am staying "out of my shell". I am sociable. I have more friends, interests. I dress much more sexy. Look better and feel better. The outside matches up better with how I feel inside. But not when it comes to my R with my H. That is still the one major part of my life that I feel is stuck. If I can't be sexual with my H I am screwed (no pun intended). I am just not who I AM as a person. I'm tired of not being me. I need to be 100% me. And having hot sex on a regular basis along with a strong emotional/intimate connection is what I consider important. Maybe even critical. The fact that I am even Thinking about ending my M because of this is huge. My love for the kids is the only thing that keeps me plugging away. But how long will this last? Not my love for them, but their need of me? Teen years? College? When? It's all still so far away it overwhelms me. I'm having a hard time just living day to day right now.
