WAW1978-Part 4

[Nugget]

WAW, seems like he is heading the opposite direction of what you want. I am sorry about that, but there is always that chance he will turn around :).

As far as him dropping of D at sitter while he goes out, maybe you can suggest to him that you would prefer that he left her with you instead. Reassure him that it is no big deal for him to go do his thing, but you would feel more at ease if she was with you and not a sitter.

[Steel_Box]

Hey WAW,
Sorry it's so tough right now. I was reading through and understand how it is tough to be in your sitch. I seem to find myself on the opposite side of the coin. I don't know if it will give you any insight into what he is thinking but I'll try to explain a little of how I am and maybe something will spark an idea for you.

There was a point where I went through the house and took down all pictures of her. It hurt to see them, and I also told myself that if she wasn't going to be around then there was no need to have reminders. As we stand now my W is making attempts to work on our R.

Now that she is back on board so to speak it seems more difficult for me to be patient and detached. It is almost as if I am looking at things from a pespective of "you said you want to work on this... then start working. I've done my part for a while and now its your turn to feel lost and in the dark!" I also catch myself thinking that she should be moving down the path faster. Intellectually I know that it was a long road downhill before she dropped the bomb, but emotionally it was a very fast turnaround, and I guess I expect her reversal to be just as fast. Now don't get me wrong, I know without question that this is the wrong attitude to have, and I don't consciously think this way. It seems to me that all of the hurt and doubt, and resentment that I suppressed in the beginning in order to DB has found a dark corner in my subconsious to hide and lobb out gernades. I want things to work, I wouldn't be here and done the things I have if I didn't, but I feel like we have reversed roles and now as she comes towards me - I back up. Maybe it is a fear that I don't want to put myself in a position where I am vulnerable of being hurt by her again. Maybe I am testing her to see if she truly wants this, or if it is just comfortable or convienent. I really don't know.

I know that I am confused by the fact that as hard as I worked to fix my issues and prepare myself for a better life, while she attempts to work with me on our R & M, I am less interested.

Is it possible that he is doing something along these lines. Being defense or spiteful simply as an armour to prevent himself from being hurt?

[Heimlich]

I think I am the one trying to save things and he has just given up

As I've said all along, i think you've always been the one wanting to save your M. Your H, thus far, is/was OK with having a M and willing to take you back into a R but without having to do anything on his end to acknowledge that R and M was an unhappy one for you. That's not fair to you. You've tried, and are trying, don't get down on yourself.

I think Steel, and others before, are onto something in that your H is responding defensively and still trying to control the situation. As we keep saying, hopefully he'll wake up.

If he's moving forward with the separation, it's time for him to come to grips with the finances. Don't quite get the you paying for the house that he's living in. That doesn't seem fair. If he can't afford to live there, perhaps it's time to sell. This man sounds like he still wants to be with you, but is just so damn stubborn he doesn't know how to do it.

Regarding your D, it's his time, I'd let it go other than mentioning that if he's going to go out (whatever he's doing and you don't have to ask), that you'd like the chance to spend time with your D if he has plans.

HD is nice. It's actually even nicer once you get it home . . .

BD

[Gone Dancin']

your H is responding defensively and still trying to control the situation. As we keep saying, hopefully he'll wake up.

This man sounds like he still wants to be with you, but is just so damn stubborn he doesn't know how to do it.

Spot on, IMHO. Your H has too much pride in him still, and just isn't willing (able?) to swallow it. He's thinking that these current actions of his will "whack some sense into you" or something -- I know this because I basically did the exact same thing with W. He is going through an angry phase, and he will need to work through it before he can begin letting his guard down and opening himself up to self-criticism and humility regarding your R/M.

Take care, waw -- and can I now tentatively place you on the DB ski/board event list?

GD

[waw1978]

Thank you all for your insight. I think you are right...the angry phase. Still trying to control me through his actions. Oh well. Like many LBS, I am going to take page from you guys and backoff and let him have his space. I guess this is where I end on the fence. Starting out as WAW trying to work things out and then having my LBS flip to the WAH...Maybe he will come to grips that this punishing behavior is not the way to lure me back. I am still hanging tough for the time being.

Depending on dates & location the ski trip could be a possibility. Keep me posted on the info and I will let you know for sure once I assess time off & finances. Thanks again. It would be nice to put faces to all of your screen names

[Nomopo]

Hola! Hope you're well.

[waw1978]

Hey Nomo.

Always good to hear from ya.

I am hanging in here. Just waiting for the LBS anger to subside and be able to move forward. He says he wants full separation and to date others. Its his turn to want his space and I am just letting him have it. Even though I never felt like he stopped trying to control me, even this seems like one more attempt to pressure and control me. But I am not letting it bother me. Going on with my life...GAL'ing, and getting some hobbies. Trying to find out who I am now and what makes me happy. Really concentrating on me and not worrying so much about what others think.

We will see where it leads. H still going to MC, even though he said he wanted to quit. Holding steady. I am the one who started this but we both need to fix it.

[waw1978]

Oh and apparently I have taken to being risque on others threads. Maybe I am just a little bit pent up.

[Heimlich]

A "little" pent up? I'm a little pent up, you're working on 3 years. Egads, I almost pity your next man.
BD

[waw1978]

Thats why I a looking at young...21/22 maybe up to 25. Someone who won't be horrified at the idea of well you know...

I decided to ask the H about his night out, and whether or not he left D4 with a sitter on his night. He completely skirted the question and I decided that I really didn't care to pursue it any further but I would have offered to take her if he was going to leave her with a sitter. But I felt like that was overstepping. Yes, its my child but I am trying to give him his space...so I am going to let him spend his time with her as he wishes. As long as she is not in any danger I am not going to complain.

Going out with some college friends tonight. Do some networking...GAL stuff. Not think about H being out on the town "meeting chicks"...insert laughter here...Anyway hope you all are doing well today.