With your understanding of differentiation, self validation, etc, why would you give someone else the power to determine what you like? Your statement seems to put you into a self fulfilling prophecy mode. Can I assume that you actually might like WASP types, but have built a wall against them because you were rejected by a WASP at some time? So now you react as if touching a hot stove, without testing whether the stove is even turned on or not. In other words, putting out the vibe that a WASP is going to reject you might be the factor that causes him to reject you.
Actually, kind of the opposite is true. I was trying to validate myself for being "nice" by thinking that I don't like WASP types because they don't like me. Really I don't like them because they bore me. Of course, I'm speaking more of a cultural type than an ethnic type. I once dated a guy whose main interests were golf, money, drinking and golf. I can't even remember the sex. Really, I shouldn't say that I'm not attracted to WASPs because what I'm really not attracted to is men who drink a good deal and therefore spend their recreational time doing things that would be deathly boring to anyone who doesn't like to drink. I would include my 2bx in this category. However, I also don't like an emphasis on Puritanical propriety or keeping up with the Jones's which I also throw into the WASP cultural basket because I find both of these tendencies lead to things that bore me also. Like gated communities with generic landscaping and repressed sexuality.
Quote:
Here’s another example of the same mind process, IMO. You obviously have created some sort of fantasy image of your NG, being semi-famous in his field, whatever that means. As long as you can maintain that image, he is attractive to you. Once the image is shattered, he is not. Nothing changed with him. The only thing that changed was the gap between your fantasy and reality.
No. Not true. He was attractive to me either way. The problem was that he was "too" attractive to me if I thought about the sexy things for which he was semi-famous. I wanted to just see him for who he was and I could much of the time but the combination of the great sex and ego-gratification gave me too much of a chemical buzz. It's not like I'm unique in that regard. Also, women are attracted to men who are successful for the same reason that men are attracted to women who are physically attractive. Understanding that factor doesn't negate it. We all can strive to be "better" than that but...
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
However, I also don't like an emphasis on Puritanical propriety or keeping up with the Jones's which I also throw into the WASP cultural basket because I find both of these tendencies lead to things that bore me also. Like gated communities with generic landscaping and repressed sexuality.
Sounds like a pretty broad generalization to me. I think you could find a lot of WASPs behind those gated communities who lead an exciting and sex filled life, without heavy drinking.
The problem was that he was "too" attractive to me if I thought about the sexy things for which he was semi-famous. I wanted to just see him for who he was and I could much of the time but the combination of the great sex and ego-gratification gave me too much of a chemical buzz.
So what are you saying... you couldn't handle it? What did driving into the inner city part of Detroit have to do with this? Did being in the inner city somehow negate your decision chemical buzz?
Actually, kind of the opposite is true. I was trying to validate myself for being "nice" by thinking that I don't like WASP types because they don't like me. Really I don't like them because they bore me. Of course, I'm speaking more of a cultural type than an ethnic type. I once dated a guy whose main interests were golf, money, drinking and golf. I can't even remember the sex. Really, I shouldn't say that I'm not attracted to WASPs because what I'm really not attracted to is men who drink a good deal and therefore spend their recreational time doing things that would be deathly boring to anyone who doesn't like to drink. I would include my 2bx in this category. However, I also don't like an emphasis on Puritanical propriety or keeping up with the Jones's which I also throw into the WASP cultural basket because I find both of these tendencies lead to things that bore me also. Like gated communities with generic landscaping and repressed sexuality.[..]
LOL. You and me both, sister. I'm also a bit of an anti-WASP. Golf and gated communities and sports tv are *shudder* my own personal nightmare. Funny thing is I never went for the "ethnic inner city" type either, and probably would have been equally bored with your NG because I only like classical music. Call me picky.
I'm culturally (FOO) WASP and look and dress WASP so the poor fellows would ask me out (back in the dating days) and would usually end up with metaphorical tomato sauce in their face. *g*
Its a good thing I'm off the market. I wasn't really nice to them. *muses*
Sounds like a pretty broad generalization to me. I think you could find a lot of WASPs behind those gated communities who lead an exciting and sex filled life, without heavy drinking.
Okay, let me clarify. I would never date a man who lived in a gated community because the whole concept of the gated community is in opposition to my value system. Also, I take back what I said before, I don't know why exactly but it is true that men to whom the words "ethnic" and "city" could be applied are disproportionately attracted to me. In the 36 hours since I re-opened my profile, I have received 5 serious responses (by serious I mean responses that are actual e-mails that reflect that the writer actually read my profile) of those 5 responses 3 were from men who are members of ethnic minorities. One of the more WASP types I found amusing because he said he was working on "not being a jack*ss and teaching his teenage son to not be a jack*ss" but the man is a complete cultural conservative so I won't date him.
More evidence: I live in rural/suburban white bread Michigan and since I have been single I have not initially approached any men myself for dates or e-mail interaction and the men I have dated or seriously communicated with have included a physicist raised in Israel, a teacher at an alternative school with a New York borough accent who was in the gang on which West Side Story was based, Jewish playwright/professor, African-American artist, peace activist of Middle Eastern descent, neuro-psychologist raised in Klinger's Hungarian neighborhood, man of Native American heritage who owned music stores in Chicago etc. Are you getting the picture? I like men who are counter-cultural, creative, liberal, artistic and intellectual and guys who fit that description can probably tell from my portrait even though I don't come right out and say anything like that and mostly just babble about biceps - lol.
Quote:
So what are you saying... you couldn't handle it? What did driving into the inner city part of Detroit have to do with this? Did being in the inner city somehow negate your decision chemical buzz?
I'm a total dopamine junkie. Driving through inner city Detroit on my way to have seriously hot sex is a total turn-on for me because it makes it more of an exciting adventure just like sneaking out of the house at midnight to meet my bf was an exciting adventure when I was 16. I'm not exactly proud of these tendencies in myself and I am going to try to focus more on emotional connection in the future.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Funny thing is I never went for the "ethnic inner city" type either, and probably would have been equally bored with your NG because I only like classical music. Call me picky.
Oh, I think you would like NG. The second time we had sex the music on his stereo was happy little love songs from circa the 1920s sung in French. It was just like I was in an erotic art film (sigh).
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Driving through inner city Detroit on my way to have seriously hot sex is a total turn-on for me because it makes it more of an exciting adventure just like sneaking out of the house at midnight to meet my bf was an exciting adventure when I was 16.
I get this… the spice of life, quest for adventure, break the molds. I have some of those tendencies too… but I still hold to the mainstream because that is the most stable ground for support of my family. You know those motorcycle gangs that meet all over the country, riding their Harleys with leather jackets, tattoos etc… most of those guys are upper middle class professionals – doctors, dentist, lawyers, executives. So you can merge the two worlds. I see no reason why that should be in opposition to anyone’s lifestyle. How do you know some of those guys replying to your ad don’t have a hidden wild side to them?
But I’m confused… I thought you got turned off by being in the inner city, that you had a different impression of NG as maybe living in a better section of town, or am I misunderstanding what turned you off?
Driving through inner city Detroit on my way to have seriously hot sex is a total turn-on for me because it makes it more of an exciting adventure just like sneaking out of the house at midnight to meet my bf was an exciting adventure when I was 16.
I get this… the spice of life, quest for adventure, break the molds. I have some of those tendencies too… but I still hold to the mainstream because that is the most stable ground for support of my family. You know those motorcycle gangs that meet all over the country, riding their Harleys with leather jackets, tattoos etc… most of those guys are upper middle class professionals – doctors, dentist, lawyers, executives. So you can merge the two worlds. I see no reason why that should be in opposition to anyone’s lifestyle. How do you know some of those guys replying to your ad don’t have a hidden wild side to them?
But I’m confused… I thought you got turned off by being in the inner city, that you had a different impression of NG as maybe living in a better section of town, or am I misunderstanding what turned you off?
I'm pretty darn close to the inner city of Detroit, probably the turn on was if she could arrive at here destination safely
But I’m confused… I thought you got turned off by being in the inner city, that you had a different impression of NG as maybe living in a better section of town, or am I misunderstanding what turned you off?
Nothing like that would ever turn me off. I'm a bit of an intellectual/artistic snob but I'm definitely not an elitist. Nothing about NG turned me off. I purposefully did things to chill myself out a bit because I was feeling like a 7th grader with a crush. For instance, his "art" is all over the internet and I kept accessing it and getting turned on so I made myself stop that behavior. For what it's worth, NG is at least as much of a romantic as me. He sent me e-mails that described our relationship in terms of a trip through Alice's looking glass and other things like that.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
OK, now I'm even more confused. With your H you didn't get the things NG is now giving you, and back when you were married, you would have given anything to have those things, but now that you do have them you don't want them? You seem to have a good understanding of chemical rush effects, you seem to be keeping your wants and needs in perspective, yet you can't handle the feeling of having a crush? What is it that you want? What more could you ask from a guy? What's wrong with getting turned on by seeing his artwork? I'm completely baffled by this.
