I was on my knees begging...and you know the rest.

[MissingMyHoney]

24 or so, Saturday evening went this way, I went to the dentist to do a deep cleaning of my teeth (right side). My right side of my mouth was still swollen after the procedure and W saw my face looked funny. I asked her what she wanted to eat for lunch and she said bbq but she also said I talked funny. I laughed and she cracked up. W laughed so hard that I was in tears laughing too. We had not had a good laugh like this in a very long time. W even took pics of the way I looked, kinda looking disfigured.

I ordered some bbq for a late lunch since we had a huge breakfast and we werent too hungry. We had lunch together and she really enjoyed that, then W said she has a lot of clothes that needed to be folded up. I went into the bedroom and began folding up the clothes and W sat on the bed and we were talking and she began to help. We have not done this in a very long time too. I felt so happy for once we can coordinate together and not be angry with each other. W said if I can put up the clothes in the dressers too and I did. I cleaned up the kitchen and asked D to help which she like to do.

Later, I told W is was going to church and W said if I can go on Sunday since she didnt wanted to be home alone. I said that is fine and I had planned to have a blockbuster night and eat bbq I had bought for lunch/dinner for us. W said she wanted a drink from Smoothie King so I looked for one and it was 7 miles from our location. W said she wanted to take a little drive since she had been doing her assignments and wanted to get away. I printed the map and we went off. I passed the Smoothie King by 1 block and W was telling me where to u-turn and I didnt listen to her but u-turned in a different direction. Then I was at a light and the street had both paved gravel and paved tar. One of my front tire didnt had good traction of the tar and screached. Immediately, W said 'you cant even control this car...' I said 'damn <@#$%^&*(> acutally held back my thought.' I proceeded to SK and parked the car.

I went into SK and was greeted by a cute college girl and she smiled at me. Im like this is nice from hearing crap about my driving to welcome to SK with a smile. I placed my order and wasnt being nice to the girl but was thinking hmmm I need to come to SK more often. It rebuilded my positive attitude and I went back into the car without being pissy about the comment.

We drove home and D was already asleep so I carried her to her bed. Prior to that, D was in the bedroom after clearing the bed of the clothes and W was telling D to tell me to leave the bedroom. W told her to tell Daddy to go away, D didnt do it and D said, mommy dont tell daddy to go away. D keep on telling W not to be telling daddy about anything and W was just shocked. Then D hugged me and kiss me on my cheek and held me so tight while looking at mommy and just being attached to her daddy.

I didnt tell W nothing about this but W made a smart remark by saying when daddy left then it was only you and I. As if D can remember so. I didnt even got into that conversation but it made me feel so special that D and I are closer than ever. I spend a lot of time with D and D is always out with me on weekends.

This is a good example of why I am willing to work on the M & R cause I cannot see our D hurt at this young age, D can go back to W and tell her that if H was willing to try even after he did all those things, why didnt you atleast try to work with him (whenever D gets older she can understand). I will left this decision up to W. As to I wont hold any guilts for W not wanting to make this right for our family. I dont instill on our D that mommy and daddy will not live together as to she is too young to understand.

I rememeber when I was 3 1/2 yrs old when my mom immigrated to US and I cried and cried. By 6, I could not recall who was my mom, I knew I had one but all my memories had faded. My grandmother was the mother I knew. I dont want to see this happend to our D and this is what I am trying to stress to my W. But W isnt seeing this in this perspective.

W is planning to leave within 14 days to be exact is approx 11 days from now. W is all excited by I am only playing it by ear. I cannot stop her and I cannot do a LRT on her. W needs to make the decision to forgive me and to start the healing process. Alone I have put in a lot of efforts.

Lastnight, W said her computer is not doing any updates. I asked her if she checked all her settings. W said yes but continued to say that ' did you f***** with my computer?' I said damn and shut up. I said positive attitude J, positive attitude. I left that guilt feeling up to her. W has her computer password protected and her cell phone too. If you dont have anything to hide, then why all the protection. W knows I can get into her cellphone and computer hence the accusations. I can do this if I want to but I chose not to since I dont need to be following up on her every move.

I asked W is she was finished with her assignments she said I should know since I am spying on her. I kept on watching the news and shut up. What a freaking response but its ok I dont need a coronary over her own guilt. I will keep on let her be and make her think that her computer is keylogged and I know everything she does on her computer. Let her have that sense that I know the only way she can come tru any feeling of guilt is to give me information I dont know.