StarvinMarvin, I think I may be able to help you -- or at least provide some insight.
First, I've been hanging around the community for a couple of weeks but this is my first time posting. Second, when I read your first post about she killed it, buried it and now wants to exhume it, I thought for a minute that it could have been my husband posting!
You see, my H and I have been in the same situation for years. He with a HD and me with a LD. Three months ago I found out he has been having an affair. He feels totally justified because I "didn't want him." At least that's what he thought...
No matter what the state of our marriage, I never wanted him to do that. My world was devastated. Until you've been through it, you can't imagine the hurt, turmoil and anger it causes. I told him I wished he had talked to me before taking such a drastic step. He said he tried. Well no, 99% of the time he criticized, put me down, even in front of my family! making comments about how I never wanted to touch him. It was so humiliating. Sometimes I wondered if he even liked me, let alone, loved me. And he wonders why I didn't want to be intimate with him? But I never equated the angry/critical attitude with the sex problem. To me they were two separate issues.
The one thing that went through my mind when I learned about the affair was wonder WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Why don't I want sex? The second thing I did was to buy 3 books: 2 on sexual inhibition and 1 on affairs. I read the books on inhibition first. It was like they were written for me! Finally I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
I know now that my LD was caused by the problems in our marriage and our relationship. Our marriage didn't start out too bad as far as sex (altho I never wanted it as much as my H), but it got worse over the years. It was caused by hidden anger, insecurity (from the treatment from my H), lack of self-confidence, poor self-image, etc. The affair made me take a serious look at myself and why I had problems. Before that I was confused and lost. I buried myself in being a mom, my career and other activities.
I then decided to turn myself around. The books I got were my self-help bibles. And, because the affair was out in the open, I was finally able to face my problems and talk to my husband about them and us. The books, and my determination, are giving me my sex drive back.
So, 3 weeks after d-day, when I found out about the affair, we started having sex again. It's been pretty good. I am enjoying it and am gaining confidence! I still get scared and unsure from time to time but I keep telling myself I am a sensual person and everyone deserves it! It's a part of life.
But like you, my husband is confused. It just "blows his mind" that all of a sudden "I want him again." He doesn't trust it. At first he accused me of not wanting the embarrassment of a divorce and that I didn't really want it or was faking it. He's asked me about this again and again.
I told him what I had read. I told him the affair made me face my problems and our problems. He doesn't like to read, but I've read to him a little from my books. I told him I was lonely for so long, too, but didn't know what to do about it. I've told him how his anger affected me, and that it was at the core of my LD. He admitted he was angry at me, too. Our relationship had been getting worse and worse. I knew that -- but I didn't know what to do. I couldn't reach him (he also has a drinking problem). The affair gave me the chance to get out the feelings that had been building up in me for so long, too. it was nice to finally talk to my husband about what I didn't like about our relationship, too.
We have talked and talked about it, but he keeps questioning it! And still I keep trying to explain...trying to find the magical answer that will put it to bed for him. But so far I have not found it. I've explained that affair was like my 9-11 wake-up call. It was either "crap or get off the pot" if you know that expression!
I did think seriously before initiating sex about the reasons. Ok -- my husbad had an affair -- it was because something was seriously wrong with our relationship -- now what do I do? Did I love him? What did I want? After sifting through the anger from the past few years, the pain and hurt of the affair, etc., I realized I DID LOVE HIM. Although I had not really let myself feel that love for a long time. When I think back on where we let our relationship go, I am overwhelmed. It is just so incredibly STUPID.
And, the more he questioned me, the more I thought about it. I have seriously asked myself why again and again. I've taken a good look inside my heart, and not just my head (counseling has helped, too). NO - I am not just doing it because I don't want to lose him and don't want a divorce. I want it because I want to be a new person. I want it because it feels good. I want to have romance, passion and intimacy. I don't want angry, pent-up feelings to get in my or our way again. I want it because the reasons I married him 22 years ago are still there. I love him.
In addition to the sex, we are talking. We've talked about our problems, we've talked about the past (the good times) and even a bit about the future. We spend more time together. Talk on the phone more at work. I am trying to follow the steps in DR, etc. So, along with the sex I am working on our relationship -- he has to see that. I am waiting for him to see that it's not just the sex or that I don't just want a divorce. I want a better marriage and relationship.
One thing that may be helping him trust it again is the fact that I am obviously enjoying our refound intimacy immensely -- I have found passion again! Women may be able to fake an orgasm now and then, but true passion you just can't fake. And that is what I've pointed that out to him, too. How could I have spent so many years so inhibited, with a LD, and then suddenly decide to start enjoying it? I'm not that good of an actor! If the reason for our problems was because I no longer loved him, I could have admitted that and initiated separation.
Although it sounds like our reconciliation may be going smoothly, I know I have a way to go to earn his trust. But I also have trust issues with him because of the infidelity. My efforts are also hampered by the fact that the other woman is still in the picture. I have chosen to charge full steam ahead in spite of this. But because of that sometimes it feels more like sex and not love. So it has not been an easy ride for me. But I am sticking to my guns. I married him for a reason and I know those reasons are still alive! But if we don't make it, I know that I'll still be a better person because I have found my lost sensuality.
So I agree with the other posters about giving it some time. Perhaps your wife needs to decide where her heart lies. From what you've said I'm not sure how much other interest she is showing, unless you just didn't mention it. Does she seem truly interested in the entire package -- the relationship, the marriage and sex? You need to know WHY she has the intererst now. And, in the DR book, it says if the spouse expresses doubt about sudden changes, that is is natural. And, if the person doing the changing keeps on track, the spouse will see that it really is a change. It takes time.You're rebuilding.
So this is where my determination lies: I found where my truly heart lies, decided what I wanted and am going for it. I don't think there has been anything else in my life for which I have been dedicated so zealously. I've also read a book called Divorce Busters, which has helped a lot. Hopefully it's not too late.
Give yourself time. Give yourself time to reconnect, to rebuild, to think, etc. Don't make any decisions overnight. Hopefully you're also having some conversations with your wife about this too, just like my husband has been with me.
