Yeah, but the emotional is part of what I have to work on. One of my big 180s---for me, not just for the M---is sharing myself, even the scary stuff. So to get where I want to be, I have to share that stuff with H, regardless of how he responds. And he's asking me to share, so I'm not worried about that part. And he may just hear it and think, okay, but whatever he thinks, I have to talk.
So the emotional is the practical for me, the how do I move on from this part.
Then there's the practical-practical, the money stuff. Ugh.
You don't have to share emotional stuff with him. He has forfeited the right to ask, to know. Don't give him anything. It doesn't matter what he thinks - he's crazy. Find someone trustworthy to talk to. I chose my Mum.
Practical is way off at the mom. Plan your future for yourself. You need to know what you want from him before he goes.
You could also start with just one thing to share with H. Maybe make it something that's not about the R, but just about you, about your own future, or I don't know. If you never shared with your H, then this could be a good 180 for you. Especially if he's been asking for it.
And just because your not making as much as H now, doesn't mean you won't ever. You never know what may lie for you in the future. I've started a business and I haven't had a real job in 9 years. So who knows if I'll make more than my H in a couple years or not!? Don't limit yourself, you have a lot of potential and I can tell your a very smart lady.
about going somewhere to be sad. I'm not really sure. maybe staying at a hotel just one time might help. I don't want you to be sad, but sometimes you just need to let it all out. It can feel good to cry sometimes. But afterwards, don't continue to be down, pull yourself up and try to get that pma back up. Remember that during pms times it might be harder, but just knowing that time is coming around will help that it's more hormonal than just you.
take care
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Still intend to read through your sitch to get a grip on your slippery H, but did have one or two thoughts (I'll be brief, maybe).
You described your H as a rational relativist (or something close). Is there any way to logically explain your emotions to him so that he sees change as possible? I mean, explain yourself in logical terms (be Spock). It was interesting that he got why you thought there was hope in your M pretty quickly once you set it out in a way that he could grasp.
Also, good job on opening up more emotionally. You're in a weired sitch in that he wants to talk. It seems like his A was driven by emotion, not physical intimacy, maybe he was looking for that emotional connection he wasn't getting from you?
You had a great line about opening up emotionally and not living in fear and that you might get hurt opening up, but you will get just as hurt by staying closed off. I feel the same way. Better to live with an open heart than a closed one.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
I'm back at my mom's and haven't had a lot of time to post here.
Thanks for your thoughts; I'll get back to you individually soon. In the meantime, it's nice to be away from home and pretty much pretending all this stuff isn't happening at home. Not really, of course, but it's a nice break. I have to admit, though, I look at the home prices out here and think, wow, that's incredibly cheap....!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
It's good to be back home. I haven't posted since I got back because, to be honest, I'm not sure what to say. I'm in a weird place.
I was gone for a week, and I spent very little time thinking about H during that time. Once I thought, yeah, I could totally do this---be on my own with the kids, doing our thing, living life. I wondered whether it was just because H wasn't around.
When I walked in the house, it looked like no one had been there since we left---no dishes had been washed or left in the sink, no food gone, nothing, and my stomach went into knots. Turned my brain right away from that train of thought.
Now that I'm back, I've found that I just wish he were gone. Little things are bugging me---not putting food away, whatever---and I just feel like he's in my space, in a sense.
On the trip home, our plane was delayed for hours. I texted H to let him know (he was picking us up) and he sent message after message saying, "Buy the kids dinner! Get them some games! Buy a DVD player! Money's no object! Hang in there!" (those aren't quotes) and I kept responding with, "We're fine, just hanging out, no worries." He was trying to be supportive, I guess, but I felt like, good god, man, relax.
Hey, here's a potential insight: One of the things H didn't like about me was that in crisis, I freaked out. (This is based on two crises: leaving grad school and going into depression and having our first child and going into depression.) He's constantly watching me to see if I'll lose it, maybe trying to smooth the way, but always anxious that I'll flip out. I certainly haven't flipped out over our M crisis, which is good, but clearly if he's concerned I'll flip out over a delayed plane, he's still unconvinced.
Tonight's my night to go out, and I'm at a cafe by myself. I didn't want to go out. H could've gone out, but I would've liked to be able just to relax at home, something I can't easily do when he's around.
When we're having frequent R conversations, things feel much more relaxed between us (an anomaly on this board, I know). After a week of being away, we're back to awkward. I felt most comfortable when we were all-or-nothing: when I was practically ignoring him and going about my business or when we were together. This tightrope walk, balancing having R talks with GALing and working on PMA is proving really tough for me.
So I'm thinking about a few things right now: how can I get over the awkwardness and feel comfortable in my own home? How can I improve the tightrope-walking skills mentioned above?
And about what I'd been thinking about before---getting in touch with my sadness and sharing a bit of that with him---I'm completely unmotivated right now, just don't feel like making the effort, I think. I was reading Heim's thread today, where he had written how deeply he loves his W, and I thought, do I even care about H that much? Is it possible that I am so emotionally lazy or afraid that no one---at least not H---is worth the work to me? I'm just not feeling deeply in love right now.
Hey Nomo! Good to hear from you. Stop in anytime---I value your thoughts.
Hey ST!
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But afterwards, don't continue to be down, pull yourself up and try to get that pma back up.
I totally agree with this. Like I said, right now I'm less interested, but if I do decide to do this, I'll definitely have to get right back up. I'm just really wary of burying my feelings, which is my usual MO.
Hey CVA! How's it going, my alpha friend?
Hey Heim! I'm glad to hear from you. I know you're in a rough patch right now, and I'm confident you'll claw your way out.
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Is there any way to logically explain your emotions to him so that he sees change as possible? I mean, explain yourself in logical terms (be Spock).
Could you give me an example? Like, how would you say "I feel hurt that your desire for a 'natural connection' beats out all the positives in our R" in Spock? (Not that I'm thinking of saying that, people.)
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It seems like his A was driven by emotion, not physical intimacy, maybe he was looking for that emotional connection he wasn't getting from you?
I think this is it exactly, though he'd deny it, I assume (because the demise of our R had nothing to do with anything I did, remember?). Which brings us back to the emotional thing, which I'm lacking the motivation for, at the moment. I'll probably get it back, though, so this bears thinking about still. And while I can't make him feel emotional connection to me, if he is going to feel it, it's going to take some reaching out on my part. Damn.
Weird place, indeed. I'm just wondering how much I care, I think.
Looking forward to all input, as usual. Take care, everyone.
