Ok Bryan - I am LRT right now and acting as if. Plus it is too new our S I think for me to be asking that. I really want to but I will not. I just want him to see that changes. I will have to re-read that section. I have been focusing more on the earlier chapters.
How are you doing Bryan? Have you decided upon you plan for the upcoming months. I really think things are looking good for you and you should just stay patient a bit longer. The move is long way off so you have some time to let it go for now and just concentrate on trying to be happy and be a better you and giving her the space she needs to come around.
I was kind of a wreck for the first couple of days this week but fortunately I was able to keep most of that here or with friends, away from her. I think it was the comedown from having things during my visit go so positive and then having to come back to my life and the reality that nothing in our sitch really changed; all I did was plant a seed of doubt. Talked to my IC and my DB coach today so that really helped get my head on right. Helped me see the positive that I'd been overlooking.
Plan right now is more of the same with maybe one or two slight tweaks. So that's time and patience on my part. I am thankful that things have improved as much as they have because this time a month ago, D was a done deal. Now, she says she still wants it but that she's thinking.
On a personal note, I feel like I've made some positive improvements on how I deal with emotions. I've always been the typical heart-on-sleeve kind of person and it hasn't served me well in the past. I still get crazy swings but I've been able to walk myself through them (or crawl as the case may be) with much more success. I remember reading somewhere that the sense of empowerment that comes with no longer being ruled by emtions is fantastic. I'm just getting a glimpse of it and it is better than I thought it would be.
I've been thinking about something and wanted to see what you all thought. W and I agreed that we let the friendship really languish over the course of the M and so any reconciliation effort has to start by rebuilding the friendship. That's what we've been focusing on and I think doing a pretty good job with. Now I'm a little concerned about getting stuck in the friend zone with her, that she'll see me more as a friend than a H. Has this happened to anyone? Is it a legit concern or the product of my impatience? Thanks.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
Hi Bryan, Read through most of your thread. DR and LRT definitely promote being her best friend. This also is in line with rebuilding your relationship based on friendship. I think it is a great sign that she agreed that in order to reconcile you must start there. Did she suggest that or did you? I hear in your posts that it has been hard for you when she asks for calmness from you and doesn't want to hear you being rude or moody or whatever. I think that's her way of dealing with the guilt. She wants you to be happy and upbeat so she doesn't have to think about how she has hurt you.
I know in my sitch, my H doesn't come around if I have been particularly moody or weepy. If I break down and cry he doesn't show up for days at a time. I have learned through DB/DR and my coaching that I must be his best friend while continuing to have my own life. I know avoid at all costs any tendency to be down or moody when I see or talk to him. I am just his friend and will see where it goes.
I think it is fabulous to be her friend. She may just fall in love with you again.
And long term marriages benefit from having a strong friendship as the foundation. It's what gives you respect for the other person and what gets you through the tough times.
Hope this helps even a little.
M 45 H 44 M 11 T 14 Bomb 3/07 My sad story More details
Hi Bryan I am struggling with this right now too. We have never fought much or anything and remain good friend even now. That is our issue. He says we grew apart and have become just room mates. So he moved out. We still act the same when we see each other for the swap of our S. My problem is how do you get back what you had if you are friends That is such a great question. I feel as if there is nothing I can do to make that step back.
I can not wait to see what suggestions you get here. I wish I could help some with this but like you I am struggling to bridge that gap myself.
Thanks guys, that does help. Lissie, I talked to Jody, one of the DB coaches, the other day and she suggested somethig to me that might help you. DR talks about thinking about what we're about to do or say in terms of moving us closer to or further from our goals. Jody suggested a slightly different approach, she said think about "will this make me sexy to (fill in blank)". Sounds like you got the friends thing down, maybe you need to take a look at punching up the sexy factor a little.
NGU, I agree it's good to be her friend but sometimes it's really tough to do that AND be upbeat. The past couple of weeks, she's been frequently mentioning things she's doing or buying or planning now that we're seperated and her resources and plans are hers alone. That hurts and I since I can't muster enthusiam about those things, I generally don't say anything at all. I like that she confides in me as a friend but as her H, I can't get excited about her removing me from her life like that.
Bryan, I completely understand. My H does the same thing. It hurts more than I can say. It is in those moments, that if you can reach down really deep and be happy for her, that you will lay the foundation for her to realize you are her friend and that's where the seeds of doubt about what she is doing will begin to take hold.
I am so sorry it hurts so badly. I'm not so sure it means she is removing you from her life. If she felt lost to your M perhaps she is finding herself for the first time in a long time. That is a good thing. In order for the R to heal she has to be whole and then decide about coming back. Finding herself (IMHO) is a good sign that that could happen. And the fact that she is confiding in you is great. I know it's hard but better than if she weren't sharing anything with you, now that would be bad.
I am working with Jody also and she is fabulous, don't you think?
We are here for you. Cheering you on and being upbeat when you can't be. Hang in there. Chris
M 45 H 44 M 11 T 14 Bomb 3/07 My sad story More details
I'm so confused with her right now. Sometimes, it seems like she really misses me and wants to be with me and sometimes I feel like I'm an annoyance that she has to deal with. Could just be my insecurity. In any case, creating an effective game plan has become difficult because it seems like she keeps changing the field on me. On some days, a soft touch and open heart do the trick but if I bring that every time, I get hurt and then I'm off my game. I guess I don't understand how to detach. I don't want to continue to get hurt but I feel I need to maintain the level of openness and concern that has already worked to draw her closer. Seems like they're mutually exclusive things to my untrained brain.
Bryan, I know it is really difficult. You must try to 'act as if'. Focus on your goal. Do not let her actions of uncertainty, confusion, etc. change your behavior. It is that tenacity and unwavering belief in yourself and the outcome you want that will draw her back.
I am not saying it is easy. No one here says it is easy. But if you want her back that is what it is going to take.
Keep reading different posts. Whether you are religious or not there are some really good posts on the Prayer Circle which talk about things getting harder before they get easier. You will be tested, by God, the Universe, whatever you think of the Higher Power, to be certain you want what you are going after and you believe that it can be yours and that you are willing to do what it takes. God can only do FOR you that which he can do THROUGH you.
Another resource that I found FABULOUS is The Secret. Have you watched the video? It has transformed my approach to life and partly why I can believe reconciliation is still possible when on the surface you wouldn't think so. Check out http://www.thesecret.tv. I am in no way affiliated with it, so it isn't like I am promoting something I'll benefit from. But it will help with your focus. Order it today. It will change your life.
Hang in there, keep reading and posting. And never, never, never give up.
M 45 H 44 M 11 T 14 Bomb 3/07 My sad story More details
HI Bryan I have to laugh about you suggesting I sex it up some since that is the conclusion I came to this weekend after reading so many internet sites that my eyes were crossed. I need to make myself more appealing to him since that is one of the things he said about us. We grew apart and were more like friends so that right there tells me I need to make myself look better for him etc. So that is my new plan. Of course I decide this on Sunday when I did not feel well and had a jammie day and looked horrible and he shows up that night to see our S. So I did not exactly start off on the right foot but today I am dressed to the nines and ready to see what happens. I hope that helps us out some plus it makes me feel better about myself and I have gotten a ton of complements today at work so I think this is good.
I know what you mean about not knowing what works and what doesn't work. I mean I feel like I walk on egg shells around him all the time. I just try to go with the flow and be neutral. If it appears that he wants me to be happy then I try to be and get excited for him. It is really quite confusing but I think that Notgivnup has a point that we just have to focus on our goal and keep that in mind. It will get harder before it gets easier but we have to just keep the end result in mind no matter what.
