Growing up is hard to do

[peaceful_spirit]

Thanks peeps. I'm having a bit of a hard time today. I know H is just going to go back to OW again. And then i started thinking through the whole parenting plan thing and losing that control of knowing where my kids are at all times.

I hate this Jeckle/Hyde sh!t. That is what makes me crazy. When he's Jeckle (that's the good one, right?) I love him and feel good with him. But Hyde... get his a$$ away from me - FAST! But now I'm starting to think that only Jeckle comes out to play after he's done something wrong. After he's come back from being with the whore, he bends over backwards for me - for about a week.

F this sh!t.

[butterflymom]

Just caught up on your thread. Sounds like you're going through what I went through a couple of months ago. A return and then a leave again.

It sucks.

I blamed myself too, for putting too much pressure.

You can't do that.

My H would have left regardless. I'm convinced. It wouldn't have mattered if I did everything perfectly according to the DB manual.

He would have left again.

He wasn't ready yet, and yours isn't either.

It gets easier knowing they are back with OW. Still sucks, but it does get easier.

hang in there.

BFM

[peaceful_spirit]

My H is such a jerk.

I have a strong suspicion that he wasn't at work yesterday. I had forwraded him an email yesterday from his brother's wife announcing the sex of their baby. He never responded. So when he got home, I asked if he got my email. he said no. Then I noticed jeans and sox rolled up in a ball in the back seat of his car. Now, we all know he's capable of that level of deception.

I didn't say anything until this morning. I noticed that he had logged his laptop in last night. Now, why after spending a full day at work would he come home and check email - ON A FRIDAY! He would not do that.

So, I accused him this morning. He was all nasty. He told me I'm at the height of suspicion right now. I said becuase he is not trustworthy and his words mean zip because all he does is lie. He continued to be nasty to me.

I said, "I can't wait until you'r out of my life so you can stop causing me such misery".

I know it wasn't the wisest move on my part, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. He's such a f-ing liar. I can't believe he has treated me this horribly. I can't believe I've allowed it for so long.

I'm sad and angry. I just want to smack him (but I won't).

He's going to look at appartments today.

[angelica]

PS I hope that what I am about to post won't offend you.

You want your h to change, but you also know that he has problems with commitment and truth. This may be part of MLC that is not yet resolved, or due to other psychological issues that he does not appear to willing to engage with.

COnfronting people about these issues is useless. If he were an alcoholic it would be pointless confronting him about a secret drinking binge, much as you would long to do so.

Why not ask him if he was at work yesterday? He could either lie, or tell you the truth. You are fighting the wrong battle here. You cannot 'make' your husband into someone truthful. His behaviour is pathological, and HE needs to recognise the damage he is doing to himself and all his other relationships

Think of him as someone with an addicition to deceit, and [possibly] to the OW. Think of it as crack cocaine. He probably doens't like it either, at a fundamental level, but he has erected all sorts of defences to 'permit'himself to behave like this. This has to be worked through, not fixed.

I hate to see you like this. I truly think that he has to go and sort himself out, but the reason that you are so hurt, I suspect is that you love him so much. Can you find a way to tell him this?

Power struggling over a serious behaviour pattern like this wont fix him, and will only hurt you.

A

[hopefloats7]

My H is such a jerk.

I have a strong suspicion that he wasn't at work yesterday. I had forwraded him an email yesterday from his brother's wife announcing the sex of their baby. He never responded. So when he got home, I asked if he got my email. he said no. Then I noticed jeans and sox rolled up in a ball in the back seat of his car. Now, we all know he's capable of that level of deception.

I didn't say anything until this morning. I noticed that he had logged his laptop in last night. Now, why after spending a full day at work would he come home and check email - ON A FRIDAY! He would not do that.

So, I accused him this morning. He was all nasty. He told me I'm at the height of suspicion right now. I said becuase he is not trustworthy and his words mean zip because all he does is lie. He continued to be nasty to me.

I said, "I can't wait until you'r out of my life so you can stop causing me such misery".

I know it wasn't the wisest move on my part, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. He's such a f-ing liar. I can't believe he has treated me this horribly. I can't believe I've allowed it for so long.

I'm sad and angry. I just want to smack him (but I won't).

He's going to look at appartments today.

PS,

Ok, before I say anything I want to preface it by telling you I understand that desire to snoop, suspect, and spew. And I know your anger for your H is based upon hurt.

What you have to do from hereon is NOT snoop. Don't send him emails to see if he responds from work. That is snooping in a roundabout way and will only lead to what happened yesterday. You don't need this kind of stress.

Don't worry what clothes are balled up in his car. How pathetic is it that he is living that way in the first place? But it is all part of the crisis. My H carried around a duffle bag like a hobo for a year.

I am going to tell you something: He IS going to do awful things right now. He IS going to lie to your face if you call him on it. Believe me when I tell you, you cannot change it by loving him more, snooping, pressuring him to be better. It is not his time to be better...yet.

You're at that point where you have to let go and you don't want to, and I remember it well.

He is watching you and remembering the words you say to him right now. I didn't think my H was doing this, but he was. They all watch to see how we react. Honey, you need to stop reacting at all. Act like you don't see a darn thing. Just go about life and don't act like a wife to him right now. If you try to call him on what he is doing, he is going to run away FAST.

Yes, he is a jerk right now but this is replay. Welcome to Jerkland.

You have to detach and save yourself from the insanity or you will make yourself sick. I did. It got bad. Once I stopped, I was a LOT better.

[RealJourney]

PS, Everyone is making good points. Your H is in replay because it is easier. The lying is his survival defense mechanism, one which he is not proud of underneath. We all feel better when we are operating from the best part of ourselves, and he has lowered himself once more. And when you react to his actions, he picks up that you can be brought down too.

It is important to show him that he does not get to you and that you are moving forward and living life the way it was meant to be. This is healthy for you and your boys.

Let go of his shenanigans.

[peaceful_spirit]

You girls are all right. Your words really resonate with me, so I really thank you for your continued support. I am still trying to fix him. When will I let go of that urge? So, I tell him these things in hopes they'll sink in. But he just doesn't want to hear them.

I had another little blow up at him today. I told him that I'm really angry at him and that's why I'm making all these snide remarkes. I told him that while I know him moving out is the right thing to do and that I'm at peace with my decision, I am still really sad. I told him that I am working through it in my own way. He was talking about how I had said mean things to him. I told him that I won't always be this angry at him and that I'll work through it in time, but that's how I feel now. Then I apologzed for blowing up at him and told him that I am having a whole range of emotions and that he needed to respect that. He said okay.

The rest of the day, we peacefully coexisted around the house. He went to see an appartment this morning. He said he liked it, but is hesitant to act on it. Maybe he wants to see other places.

So, I bought some mums to plant. So, I spend much of the afternoon gardening. The kids and H were inside sleeping. Then I cooked dinner and we ate as a family. H and I have conversations, but for the most part, I am not where he is. I don't know if that's good or bad or what. IN other words, it's not like we're hanging out together. He was downstairs with the kids most of the night, and I was up here cleaning up. Then I had a hot bath and right now I feel so relaxed.

I'm feeling a little better now emotionally speaking. He is going away tomorrow until Friday night. S3's birthday is on Monday. I bought all his bday gifts. H hasn't even asked me what I got him, nor did he get him anything on his own. So he'll be gone on S3's birthday and we'll spend it without him.

Anyway, I know I need to stop "talking" to H. I jsut can't help it sometimes. I actually said "f- you, j*rk off" to him today. I have never really spoken to him that way. He just made me SO freaking mad.

Clearly, I need to regroup and get control of my emotions. I'm working on it. But it's so hard when he's here. I am so glad he's going away for the week.

I am so thankful for my great friends, both on this board and off, and my family. I have more support than I could ever ask for.

[angelica]

PS - It is a question of letting go of the rope. Actually, easier to do when you are living separately. COntinue to work on yourself. Remember that 'your enemy is your soul's best friend'. Dealing with the things that upset you can force you to address the things in you that need working on.

This is not to defend your h's lying and manipulative behaviour, but to control how it affects you and your response to it.

The next few weeks will probably be tough, and then I hope you will start to reap the benefits of not being in this destructive cycle with your h.

[peaceful_spirit]

Angelica,
Very well put. I know all I have control over is my reaction to H's behavior.

H left today for Boston. We were quite friendly to each other today. He slept downstairs again (which he will continue to do until he moves out). We ate breakfast together and had pleasant conversations. I ran a few errands this morning. Shortly after I got back, H left for Boston. He'll be gone until Friday night (thank GOD).

As he was getting in his car, he asked me if I was all set for S3's birthday. So, I opened my car and showed him all the stuff I bought. Wow, it must be easy to be a dad only when it's convenient to him.

So, this afternoon I did some gardening, made cupcakes with S3, hung with the neighbors in front of their fireplace. Then ended my night putting together the stuff I got S3.

I'm in good spirits.

[whitelight]

Angelica,

I have been reading your posts on this thread, wow, really powerful stuff. Thanks for posting. It's very helpful.

((((PS))))