Hi Breton-- I'm a new poster and have been struck by your story, since my H has run off with a "pyschological mess" also. He is 49, she is 31. He has always been someone who liked to "help" and solve problems, but I think he has become a chronic rescuer. Is your husband also someone who needs to "fix" people? I have been doing the DB independent, hands-off thing, but recently I've started to ask for more help with stuff around the house. I think this may be working, a little. I think those of us with rescuer spouses might need to show some need, because you can bet the psycho messes are showing tons of it!
